


27.99x86.93

by Moonbreeze19



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: X & Y | Pokemon X & Y Versions
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Minor Character Death, NaNoWriMo, Pokemon Video Game Championship | VGC, VGC AU, alain deserves better, as literally always, yes another one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 53,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27355387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonbreeze19/pseuds/Moonbreeze19
Summary: Rin Yukino is convinced she’s hit her peak, and there’s only one thing left in her way before she’s truly the best of the best - the Pokémon World Championships. And considering her near flawless performance all season, she wants to consider that trophy as good as hers.Alain Viard knows he lost his one shot last year. After the whole world seemingly came crashing down, he couldn’t help that but feel that he failed. Top 4 wasn’t good enough - he could have, and should have, won it all. Now, his entire 2020 season has been nothing short of a mess, and he doesn’t expect Worlds to change that.But somehow, under their layers of faux confidence and unspoken fear, they both know nothing short of one thing. Anything can happen on the Worlds’ stage. You could fall from the summit, or rise higher than you ever have before. And they don’t quite understand that they’ll do it all together, for each other.Because in the end, a star can’t shine without a galaxy to belong to.♢ -------------------------- ♢Alain/Original Character VGC AU, NaNoWriMo 2020 (Completed)
Relationships: Alain/Rin (OC), Alan | Alain/Original Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to 27.99x86.93, my NaNoWriMo project for 2020! Because the name is a confusing mess, you can refer to this fic as Everest (27.99x86.93 are the rounded coordinates of Mt. Everest), that's what I do sometimes :P This is my second year doing NaNoWriMo, and after hitting 51k on November 30th last year, I'm really hoping to get through it again! The goal is 40-50k - the plot and outline doesn't have a lot of content to write, so reaching for 50k is gonna be difficult. Because of that, the idea here is simply to finish the fic by the end of the month!
> 
> But anyways, this is my second VGC AU. I wrote Rematch about a year ago, and I've definitely improved _a lot_ since then. The same rules around the universe apply - simplified game storyline so that characters won't find themselves in the games, Pokemon World based geography, Zones (instead of continents) for the sake of International Championships. Also, there's no COVID-19. It takes place in 2020, but hey, if I don't want to write an entire fic that takes place during a pandemic, I'm not going to :P 
> 
> (Also, characters from Rematch will be mentioned/referenced, and this fic may contain spoilers for it. However, Rematch knowledge is definitely not required to read!)
> 
> Anyways, I hope everyone enjoys! 
> 
> Notes:  
> \- Rated T for mostly just for language!  
> \- This is an AU of a fic I wrote two months ago called Supernova, which was a collab (and therefore will likely not be posted), and took place in the regular Pokemon universe post-Ignire.  
> \- Both main characters are around 19 at the time of this story.
> 
> Official Alarin Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3tPPrpqDgMDVeZOaFqPT75?si=lx8q1gM_ToGHUOdXuykjUQ

_ ♢ ------- When you fall… -------♢ _

_ “The 2020 Pokémon World Championships will take place on August 14–16 in Wyndon, Galar, in the ExCeL Wyndon events center, featuring the best Pokémon TCG and VGC players from all around the globe. Players will compete for thousands of dollars in prizes, return invitations for the following year’s Worlds, and the title of Pokémon World Champion.” _

“The title of Pokémon World Champion.”

Pokemon World Champion. 

The title of  _ Champion.  _

Neither of them are going to fail, ever again. And they shouldn’t have failed, the first time.

Rin Yukino. 

Alain Viard.

It’s their second shot, to shine. Welcome to the battlefield. 

_ ♢ ------- Do you rise, all the way to the peak? -------♢ _

Midnight. August 14th, 2020. The hall is dead silent, and Rin should be any place but here. But she’s never been the type to care, and she has no plans to change that anytime soon. She does nothing - nothing but stare, at the dark, empty abyss. The quiet, the tranquility, the moment of it being nobody but just her, and her alone. She breathes, in and out. Then she closes her hand around the cold, silver metal that lies around her neck, and traces the edge of the charm with one finger. Another breath. 

She’s going to win, this year. Of course she will. She’s practiced, so, so hard. Nobody can stop her - not when she’s on fire like this. She won’t let them. She won’t let them - let  _ anyone  _ \- take it. Because this is her chance, her peak. Her shot. She wants  _ nothing  _ \- absolutely  _ nothing  _ \- but to win. That’s all she’s here for. She’ll prove herself, to nobody but her own demons, and then she’ll rise, higher than anybody else ever has before. 

And Rin doesn’t smile - she never does - but she does look, for a long moment. For a moment, she almost wonders if she’s happy. If she’s… proud. If she can be. But inside, she knows. She can’t be proud. She can’t be proud until she wins it all, of course. Then she’ll rejoice, then she’ll move on, and then she’ll get better and better. She wants her name set in stone, for years and years to come. This is only the first step. 

And so she’ll win. She wants to say she will. She wants to have the courage that he seemingly once did, because now that he’s gone, the door is all wide open. It’s her second chance. She won’t fail, this time. Not everyone gets to try again. So Rin breathes, takes one last look, and turns. She’s ready. She knows she is. The question is, is the World? 

_ ♢ ------- Or do you burn, break, and crash, all the way to the ground? -------♢ _

On April 28th, 2019, Alain failed. It’s August 14th, 2020, and he knows he’s going to fail again. He can’t expect anything different. He’s not good enough, if he wasn’t back then. If his best last year wasn’t enough, then will it ever be? Of course not. He’d be a fool to assume otherwise. And regardless of the mistakes he’s made, the lives he’s taken, he not stupid enough for  _ that.  _

He’s only here because he has to be. He’ll fight, because they all expect him to. They, meaning the eyes of the whole world. The ones who watched him lose 2-0 in Top 4 last year, the ones who looked past his fake smile when he gripped his 3rd place trophy tighter and tighter, just trying not to crack and trying to pretend that he didn’t already know it was all over for him, anyways. And come morning time, maybe he’ll win a match or two. But he knows he won’t smile. It’s hard, near impossible to, when he knows how much that smile can cost him. Or what it can cost someone else. But at the same time, he’ll try. For show. For no other reason, of course. Yet... is that true?

Has he missed it, over the past year? Has he missed this? It’s quiet, and dark. It always is, the night before an event, especially of this scale. Worlds is big. He feels bad, for throwing this year’s shot down the drain. But he doesn’t have the energy to even try anymore. And if he fails, he fails. He won’t get back up this time. He’s done. 

And, at this point? He doesn't realize, that everything he’s forced himself to think has been nothing more than a lie. Because his heart’s too far gone to tell him.

Maybe, someday, somebody will pick it back up. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

**_And it’s your choice. You can find your light and shine, if you just try. The question is… will you?_ ** ****

♢ -------------------------- ♢

And they’ll both shine, brighter than the whole sky full of stars. 

Together. 


	2. i will fight / i will fight for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And damnit, she has so many questions she wants to ask him. But she can’t. She can’t be like that. That’s not… her. At least, not the _her_ that people know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hi i exist

_♢ ------- Pain means you’re growing... -------♢_

_August 17th, 2019 - Manalo Conference Center, Alola Region_

The HP bar is red for less than a second. It goes from green, to yellow, to… empty. Gone. Rin swears in Kantonian, and falls backwards in her chair. Her Xerneas crumbles, drops to the ground. It disappears in a blue flash, and then it’s over. The screen fades to black. Lose is under her avatar, and win above her opponents. It’s _over._ 4-3. She went 4-3. 

_You have got to be fucking kidding me._

She should have won. She should have Top Cut. But no, of course not. Instead, she failed. Because Top 32 isn’t good enough - it’s never good enough. The only thing _good enough_ is first. And if she had won that one, _single_ match, then maybe she would have stood a chance-

“Good game,” is what her opponent says. But Rin fixes her face into careful neutrality, and shakes his hand. Nods once. 

“You too.” And it’s fair. He played well. But… But Rin played her best too, and she doesn’t and can’t understand why she lost. Everything about that match was perfect. She did everything right. So why… Why did she lose?

_It’s because you’re not good enough. You’re just not good enough. Just get your act together, you-_

“Sorry for knocking you out of Top Cut.” Oh. Ha. Funny he says that. But there wasn’t going to space for both of them, anyways. And now, Rin’s not even going to single elimination. To Top Cut. Instead, she’ll be one of a dozen who all fell just flat, with a 4-3 record, landing in Top 32. She just needed one more win. What the hell is wrong with her? 

_Do better. Do better, Yukino. You can do better than this._

But “it’s fine” is how she lies, forcing her pride and pain down her throat. Her fakeness is obvious, she can tell, in the way a trace of sympathy flashes across her opponent’s face. But she doesn’t look twice at it, and instead powers off and packs up her 3DS. “Good luck,” she says. And yeah, she’s upset. But she means it. She’d rather lose to the Champion in the final round of Swiss than for him to not even get past Top 16. Gives her more credibility, that way. More momentum. The 2020 season starts in just a month. She’ll be ready. 

_And you won’t fail, this time. You’ll get stronger. Smarter. Better. And you’ll win, finally, because you deserve to._

And maybe she knows that’s not true. She doesn’t deserve it - not more than anyone else does, she can assume. Rin’s smart enough to know that everyone who ranked higher than her today has worked just as hard as she has, if not harder. But it’s reassuring. It’s a spark. Because she can look up at the banners, the decals, the posters. 

Pokemon World Championships, 2019. She’ll be back, next year. She’ll be ready. She won’t lose to somebody like Gold ever again. Instead, she’ll win. She’ll be…

Then somebody brushes past her shoulder, and she stiffens. Then they’re gone. Rin turns, and then she smiles, ever so slightly, as he walks farther and farther away. Then she turns back forwards and scans the room, eyes landing on another guy with black hair. He smiles, shakes his opponent’s hand, and signs a match slip. She looks back behind her, and the other one is gone. She’s not surprised. But she knows there’s at least two Kalosians headed to Top Cut. And… And if she has her cards in the right place, one of them will win. 

Also, she can finish her last sentence, now. 

_I’ll be the third one. I want X’s reputation. I want his title. And I want…_ She runs one hand through her hair, and places the other on the silver charm on her chest. Then she smiles. _I want Alain Viard’s courage._

And next year, she’ll beat them both. She’ll be Kalos’ Queen.

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 13th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region_

Rin takes her Switch in one hand, and slides it back into the case, zipping it shut. She slings her purse over her right shoulder, and then stands up. Her team’s ready as it can be. She’s beyond ready, too. It’s nearly 5 pm, and she wants to check in as early as possible. Then she’ll have time to buckle down and practice in her hotel room for a few hours, and then go to sleep. She starts walking towards the exit of the hotel lobby, and then freezes. She turns, looking to the right, and at _who,_ exactly, sits in the far corner. She narrows her eyes, and then blinks. Once. Twice. 

_What the actual fuck._

And she’s not dumb. She knew he won Top 4 last year, and a guaranteed invite to Worlds. But still, _why_ -

He stands, and Rin doesn’t even think. She just walks up, because she’s not stupid. She doesn’t understand. The door was _open._ So why is he here, and why is she suddenly _scared_ -

 _Stop. Stop, you fucking idiot. You’re fine._ She breathes, and then stops. 

“Hey. Alain, right?” She plasters a casual, neutral expression all over her face, and he stares at her for a second. There are so many things fake about her right now. She knows exactly who he is. She’s not casual _,_ she’s not friendly. She’s confused and stupidly scared out of her fucking mind. But… he doesn’t need to know that, does she?

“Right. And you are…?” Okay, low blow, but fair. She doesn’t change her expression, as he eyes her skeptically. 

“Yukino Rin. Top 32 at Worlds last year, and Top 16 at Z4IC.” She doesn’t mention that both of those records count as _failures_ to her. And she’s a nobody compared to him, anyways. “You know, I was just…” She pauses, feigning thoughtfulness for just a second. “Surprised, I guess. To see you here. Where have you _been,_ all season?” And yeah, it’s passive aggressive as hell. But who cares. He gets the message, clearly, she knows as his eyes narrow. She could have sworn that there was something else that crossed his face, but she can’t be sure. And everybody knows how good Alain Viard has always been at hiding his every emotion. She’s just like him, in that regard. 

“Just busy, with real life things,” he says vaguely and coldly. “Did you want something?” And no, she didn’t. Not really. Rin just…

_I don’t understand. I get that you were invited, but you didn’t even qualify in the regular season. You don’t have Travel Awards, you came out here of your own accord, you had no reason-_

“Are you going to registration?” And she doesn’t even know where the words come from, _why_ she says it. It’s like for a moment, she isn’t even the one thinking anymore. But he stares at her, in nothing but possible slight surprise, and nods. 

“Yeah. You?” She nods, but doesn’t speak. Instead, she just thinks. And damnit, she has so many questions she wants to ask him. But she can’t. She can’t be like that. That’s not… _her._ At least, not the her that people know. 

“Cool, I guess. Wanna come with?” And she’s almost surprised, when the words leave his mouth. Her? But why the fuck would he want to hang out with _her_ , when she just-

She breathes, and then shrugs, forcing her brain to shut the hell up. “Sure,” she says. Calmly. Coolly. As if her brain isn’t fucking _exploding_ right now. 

“ ‘k.” And yeah, neither of them talks for a long, empty moment. Her heels click across the floor, and she walks the path to the convention center for the actual event. But she does think. She thinks _a lot._ And she just… 

_I don’t understand._

Because Rin knows that when Alain’s back, he’s _back._ And he’s going to win. And that means it’s good as over for her, before it’s even begun. 

_♢ ------- ...Fear means you’re risking. -------♢_

_August 18th, 2019 - Hano Grand Resort, Alola Region_

They both lost. _They both lost._ And Rin lays awake, at 1 AM the night before Finals Day, just thinking. 

_How the fuck did both X and Alain lose?_

X losing isn’t as surprising to her, she could say, as others may have expected it to be. He placed Top 16 - which is good. Good, for sure. Top 8 was absolutely _stacked,_ and she’s not surprised he didn't quite make it. And, well… 

Well, he lost to Moon Fuyuki, who’s _really_ damn good. She’s only 16, and she’s already made it to finals once. Or actually, twice now. Two years in a row. On one hand, Rin hopes - and thinks - that she’ll win. 

But _Alain._ Alain lost, Top 4, to Satoshi Red. Everyone knows Red at this point. He’s good. He’s the best. But damnit, Rin thought maybe Alain stood a shot. He always has this confidence about him, the surefooted determination that got him through the Top Cut of nearly every tournament he entered. Or rather, flat out _every_ tournament he entered _._ And she knows he’s better than X is. She knew, and she was so, so sure he would win Z4IC ‘19. He didn’t. He dropped out. She doesn’t know why, and maybe she never will. But he dropped out in the fucking _Finals._ But she’s over it. Totally over it. 

(But really, how? Why? Why did he waste an opportunity like that? Nobody just… dropped out. Not ever. Especially not in the finals of Internats.)

But she’d be lying if she didn’t know. She knew people hated him. Inside, sometimes, she kinda did too. He just… gave up, or something. Threw away his chance at being an International _Champion._ How could he even do that? How could he do that, when hundreds of others would have done anything to be in his place? She knows, because she was one of them. But yeah, the community came after him. It was a pretty big damn deal. And all - all Rin wanted - was to see him win Worlds. If she couldn’t win, she wanted to see him prove them all wrong and _win._ To prove that he was good enough, and always had been. And well…

There’s no shame in losing to Red, she knows. And she wants to think that Alain knew how important winning there was for him - for his career, for his reputation more than anything. But damn, she wishes he had _won_. 

She looks up to him. She always has, since she started playing. She knew nothing about him, except for that he was good _._ He was Kalos’ best - the next Diantha, supposedly, was either going to be him or X. They were rivals, and it was unspoken that Internats was their final match of the 2019 season. Then Alain dropped, but Rin doesn’t want to think about that anymore. But she does know that while he did well, she wants to learn. She wants to learn from his mistakes. And she wants to get better, stronger, smarter. She wants to win Worlds next year, because Alain _couldn’t._ She wants his cold, self assured confidence. The precise, perfectly timed Protects, Wide Guards and switches, and just the…

The aura. To have people look at you, and expect that you’re there for one reason only. _To win._ And that’s going to be her, next season. She’ll take X’s reputation, his international title. And she’ll be Alain, but she’ll be better. She hopes. She’ll try her best, and maybe one day, she’ll beat him, too.

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 13th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

They’ve talked, a little bit. Just from their scattered conversation, Rin is easily able to pick up that he’s here alone, and that he’s only talking to _her_ because there’s nobody else, anyways. She wonders what happened to X, but she’s not going to bring that up. Instead, she just chats, calmly and casually, ignoring the questions swirling in her brain and the way her heart races in a way she can pretty much only attribute to the first hint of nervousness she’s even felt all day. But then, while they’re standing in line for badge pickup, is when he says what makes her heart nearly stop. 

“I’m not going to win.” And she freezes, she really does. _“I’m not going to win.”_ Because right then, is when Rin knows. 

_He’s changed._

What happened, she wants to ask? _What happened to you?_ Because this isn’t him. This isn’t _Alain._ This isn’t the guy who went 7-0-0 at Worlds last year, and this isn’t the guy who 2-0ed his Z4IC ‘19 semifinal match. And this isn’t the one who said he’d be the best. That he’d win Worlds, and he wouldn’t stop until he did. And so she doesn’t…

_She doesn’t understand._

“Why do you say that?” But at the same time, Rin just remembers. She remembers how easy it is to just fake, to pretend. So that’s exactly what she does - as if that meant nothing, coming from him. As if she’s just curious. Inside, she’s a whole lot more than that. 

“You said it yourself. I’ve been… nobody, all season long. Pretty sure everyone forgot about me after Worlds last year.” Immediately, Rin’s eyes widened. She snorts. 

“Forgot about you?” He stares at her. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Nobody _forgot_ about you, and especially not… Well, you probably don’t need me to say it. But the drop.” And she’s impressed, she can’t even lie. He doesn’t even flinch. Instead, he just blinks twice, quickly, and then turns slightly away. Pauses for a moment. Then he turns back to her, and shrugs. 

“Okay, sure. They didn’t forget. But - Rin, right? Rin, get this. I’m not here to win or anything. I’m not good enough for all of that. I’m just here, because…” He pauses, again. “Because I feel like I should be. Honestly, that’s about it. And so like…” He looks her over, once. “I know you were surprised to see me, and I know you were… afraid, because me _existing_ seems to shut the door on a whole shit ton of people. Or at least, that’s what you think. But damnit, you’ll be fine. You’re the one who placed Top 8 at a Regional with a _Gardevoir._ ” She freezes. 

He knows her. _He knows her._ Since when did _Alain Viard_ know her? 

“I’ll try and stay out of your way, okay? Pretend I’m like… not even here. I’m basically not, anyways. I don’t even plan on making Day 2.” 

And it’s so, so interesting to her. He says it so nonchalantly, so blankly. It’s flat, and the words are… empty. But at the same time, Rin can’t help but feel they aren’t. There has to be more. There has to be. Because since when did somebody like him just… give up? And yet, she still nods. Just pretends that she understands. Because of course that _all_ makes sense. (It doesn’t. It really doesn’t. But she’s good at pretending.)

“ ‘K, sure.” She’s not sure. She’s not sure in the slightest. But they do fall back into silence, and they do wait, standing, for a long empty moment. She looks down, without even thinking. And then she can’t help but speak again. 

“You know, I think you’re dumber than people realize.” He stares at her and she shrugs, and doesn’t look back. “You don’t think you’re gonna make Day 2. Excuse me? _Excuse me?_ Do you have any idea how _stupid_ you sound? Last year, you-” She pauses. “You said you didn’t plan on losing a single match, all throughout Worlds. And you said that you, at the very least, had faith in yourself, your skills, your playing. Everybody knew it, clearly, including _you._ You’re really fucking good, Alain. Trust me. Because now that you showed up, the competition just got a whole lot stiffer.” 

And the thing about _Alain_ that drew Rin to him, from the very start - he had this aura of cool, collected confidence. Like he knew he would win every tournament he entered, every match he played. And then he did. And just like that, everyone knew his name. He was, without a doubt, the strongest and most consistent player of the entire 2019 season. And when Rin thinks back on herself, a year ago - she remembers that all she wanted was to be like _him._ For everyone to know her name, the way they did his. For them to see her, the same way. The one who always, always won. The one who was so, so sure of herself - and rightfully so. It wasn’t arrogance - not if it was properly placed. And when 2020 started, Alain just… stopped. Competed, maybe once or twice. Failed, each and every time. And then he was gone. 

Nobody heard anything from him for months, and nobody saw him on the Ranked Ladder. While all the top players made Rental Teams, competed in Regionals - silence. Absolute radio silence. So Rin just moved along. She thought positively, too. The door was open. This was her shot. He was gone, she could take his place. And while her performance at Z4IC far from met her expectations, she was ready. Supposedly. Ready for Worlds, since it was her last shot. She wasn’t… she wasn't the best, not yet. But she’s now on the radar, in a way that she never has been before. She’s climbing, rising higher and higher. And if she can win Worlds, then…

“It’s not _talent,_ Rin,” Alain says coldly, breaking her train of thought. And she’s taken aback, ever so slightly, but the sudden ice in his tone. But she doesn’t let it show - she never does. “It’s practice. It’s cold, hard, practice. I did well last season because I _tried._ And so yeah, I have a team. I follow the meta, watch the streams. Dendemille Regionals, you and the Gardevoir. I know that much. But I don’t…” He pauses. “I play. A little bit. Not enough. Just… whenever I want to. Not for five hours a day or something, like I used to.” _Five hours._ Damn. How did his brain even _work_ for five hours? Then again, Swiss Day 1 is even longer. Rin’s not looking forward to it, in the slightest. He continues.

“But I’m out of practice. And without practice, I’m nothing. You don’t win if you don’t train, you know?” And yeah, she gets that. The harder you work, the better you are. But Rin still doesn’t understand what happened to the Alain from last year. Where he went. How can one change, so, so much, in just… a season? Yet she nods, anyways. As far as he’s concerned, she’s nobody. Just another hotshot, just another player climbing the ranks in pursuit of the spot he left behind. 

“Yeah, I get it.” But she also doesn’t think he could have just… forgotten. Forgotten how good he was. And it’s only been a year - at least some of that has to carry over, right? And sure, VGC 2020 is different from 2019. But _still._

On the other hand, she’s not going to push it. They probably won’t even talk, past today. She doesn’t know why they are, in the first place. She could ask, but she’s not sure if she wants to know. Instead, she just sighs, and waits. The lines moves, slightly. Then she waits some more. Fun times, in the registration line. Fun times. 

(Not really.)

 _♢ ------- Tears mean it mattered. -------_ _♢_

_August 18th, 2019 - Manalo Conference Center, Alola Region_

Rin can’t lie. It’s harder to enjoy the Finals than she would have hoped. It’s probably because she’s still at least a tad salty about her 4-3 record, and the fact that both X and Alain fell short. Admittedly, they were knocked out by Moon and Red, both of which are playing on stage at that exact moment, but still. Still. Worlds went… far from how she had hoped. Probably far from all of Kalos had hoped. After all, Alain was the best shot they’d had at winning in a long time, ever since Diantha lost six years ago. Then he lost, too. Maybe Rin got her hopes up too high - Kanto has always dominated the World Championships, alongside Galar, who was as off the radar as they had ever been this year. So she’s not surprised it’s two Kantonians on the Finals stage (well, Moon’s also Alolan. But she’s playing for Kanto this year, so either way). But she hates that between X and Alain, neither one of them was enough. And where does that put her? 

_You need to do better, Rin. Do better._

She’s going to have to improve. And a lot. She already knows her next year is going to be a rush of constant VGC, her final year of high school, and college prep. It’s not looking fun, but then again, she doesn’t really do _‘fun.’_ She had fun with VGC, back when she first started. Now she does it mostly because it helps take her mind off everything else, though it admittedly probably stresses her out more than it calms her down. Whatever. She’s getting better, and she can’t stop now. And meanwhile, on the big screen, Red’s Xerneas falls to a Moongeist Beam. Moon Fuyuki takes Game One. 

They’re good, she knows. They’re better than she is. It was dumb to hope to _win_ Worlds, maybe. Probably. But Rin does swear to be as good as they are, one day. She won’t stop until she is. And just like Alain, she’s not stopping until she’s first. The best. The Champion. And until then, it doesn’t matter what - or who - stands in her way. Even herself. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 13th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Rin sighs, and places her switch case carefully into her backpack before pulling it on, slotting the promo card from the competitor kit into her wallet. Yeah, she’s like that. So what? She turns to Alain, who barely even looks at her. Okay, fine. She checks the time. 6:20. That means she can get instant ramen or something from a convenience store, and then lock down and practice, for probably a good four hours. Not bad. 

“Well, it was nice talking to you,” she says. Was it? For some reason, she felt it was, even though she doesn’t even _like_ talking to people. “Good luck in Swiss tomorrow, I guess. Maybe I’ll see you at some point.” He does turn to face her, at that point, and doesn’t reply for a second. 

“Do you have dinner plans?” He asks, calmly and blankly. Rin stares. Well, she _kinda_ does-

Okay, she doesn’t. 

“Not really,” she says vaguely. “I was just gonna grab something quick and practice for a few hours before Swiss tomorrow. Why?” _Why,_ as if she doesn’t already know. She does. She doesn’t really get it, but she does. 

“Oh. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out, or something. Just like… for fun. Night before Worlds, all that. I don’t know.” Huh. Interesting. Rin stares, and waits.

“But no pressure or anything. I mean-” Alain pauses, and breathes. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. But it’s Worlds. I get the whole practice thing, but, again - _Worlds._ You’re supposed to hang out with people, or something like that.” Okay, yeah. She just never really got that. What was the appeal? Why would you waste time, when you could be practicing? Improving? Why is she even thinking, thinking of saying _yes,_ when she knows inside that that’s just… stupid? Stupid. She’s so, so stupid. It shouldn’t be this hard, to just say… no. And it’s not hard. That can’t be what this is. She’s just thinking, just lost in thought, just-

“You okay?” Oh. Right. Rin nods, and tosses her hair over her shoulder. For a moment, she could have sworn Alain actually sounded concerned. She was probably just imagining things. Whatever. 

“Fine. I’m just…” She shrugs, as nonchalantly as she can. “I probably shouldn’t, you know. Go with you. I should practice, and I know I’m gonna regret it if I don’t.” Alain doesn’t speak. “I don’t want to be rude or anything but like-”

“ Nah, I get it.” He cuts her off, and meets her in the eye. His gaze is blank, but for just a moment, Rin could have sworn there was something else. She almost would have said nervousness, but she knows Alain doesn’t do _nervous._ “Of course. I do get it. You don’t have to. But I was just thinking… You can practice later if you really want. But take a break, even for just an hour. I know it doesn’t seem worth it, but it is.” She tightens her jaw, and swallows. And he isn’t supposed to be getting to her. She isn’t supposed to have her guard down this low. In fact, she’s surprised he does, too. Part of her feels like this isn’t even him. But regardless, Rin forces her pride and newfound fear down her throat, and focuses. 

“Right. But I’m…” Fuck, she’s so gonna regret this tomorrow. She doesn’t even understand what compels her to speak, to admit what she’s about to say. She does it anyway. “I’m not here to waste time having fun. I’m here to win. That’s it. And I-” She’s almost sorry. Almost. She takes a deep breath, and then looks him right in the eye. “I think you, of all people, should understand that.” And he actually flinches. He does, and Rin’s almost impressed with herself. Then she reminds herself that she doesn’t actually _mean_ to hurt people, especially not him-

“If you’re trying to be _me_ , Rin, it’s working,” he says, voice dropping. She fights the urge to bite her lip, and instead just watches. “Cold, determined, confident. Set on winning, and winning alone. Am I right?” And she hates it, she hates the fact that he got it all just right. Every single thing. _Damnit._ “And if that’s how you’re trying to get to me, trying to _hurt me,_ too - it’s working. So are you happy now?” And _that’s_ when she really feels bad. 

_I wasn’t. I don’t want to hurt people. I just…_ She looks back up at him, the faintest, barely perceptible touch of hurt in the back of his eyes, that even she would nearly never be able to pick up. And that’s when she almost just feels like running. 

She _hates_ herself. 

_♢ ------- Take what hurts you... -------♢_

_August 18th, 2019 - Manalo Conference Center, Alola Region_

Alain places third. Rin watches the Closing Ceremony with a straight, blank face. Next to him, Moon gets second, and admittedly, Rin does feel a bit bad. Second, two years in a row? It has to hurt. But Moon’s smiling, regardless. And maybe if Rin knew her better, she’d be able to really tell - but from what she picks up, from her spot in the second row - she’s _actually_ happy. Unlike Alain. 

And admittedly, maybe it’s just her imagination. Maybe it’s just her, trying too hard to pick up on things that aren’t really there. But she can’t help but think that the smile he wears isn’t real, isn’t the bright, rare grin that she saw when he won his semifinal match at Internats, or when he went 7-0-0 on stream, during Day 2 Swiss. There were so, so many things off about it all. And yeah, maybe the average person wouldn’t have been able to tell. But Rin knows she’s perceptive, and she knows she’s good at catching a lie. Maybe because she’s equally as good at telling them. But lastly, she also knows - she knows she’s seen him really smile, even if just twice, and that it dazzled her in a way it really, really shouldn’t have. And she does notice the way his hands get paler, tenser. The way he just fixes his gaze on the far end of the room, behind the crowd, towards the doors. His eyes don’t move, even once. He’s just… there. Not even present. And that’s why Rin, suddenly, just knows. 

_Alain had to win._

Because for all of the victories, all of the undefeated Swiss records - it didn’t mean anything if your reputation was in pieces. And yeah, that’s what Internats did to him. That’s what the drop did. Nobody understood, and nobody even tried to. They didn’t care why he did it. And admittedly, was Rin any better? But she understood. She understood, because inside, she was the same. She knew, and he knew, too. Worlds was his shot. He could win, and then prove that the hate - the pure, unadulterated hate - it hadn’t gotten to him. He could prove that he would have won, prove that everyone should know better than to throw him down. And then…

_Well, then he lost._

And third place was good. It was really, really fucking good. For all of Rin’s ambition, her drive - she knows she might never reach the top one day. Third is _good_ (Top 32 is not. She’s still pissed at herself. She should have done better). And yet, at the same time, it’s not enough. Not for him. Not for somebody who needed _first_ the way he did. 

And yeah, it’s an inference. She doesn’t know him, not in the way she almost wishes she did. But she does know - she does know that what’s up there, the way he forces a smile, fixes his gaze as far from Satoshi Red and Moon Fuyuki as he possibly can - that it can’t be true, genuine happiness. Joy. Pride. Any of that. And if she was in his place, how would she feel? Admittedly, she’d be the same. Third isn’t good enough, when that means you’re still two spots too low from being the person you have to be. And while third is good - the highest a Kalosian has placed since Diantha, unsurprisingly - some people have that mentality that it's just… not good enough. 

And Rin knows, because she’s one of them. And maybe, if she’s seeing it all just right, Alain is too. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 13th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

_“And if that’s how you’re trying to get to me, trying to hurt me, too - it’s working. So are you happy now?”_

And so “I’m sorry” is really all she can say, Rin knows. She thinks, too. What did she just do? What did she just say? And why… Why did she hurt him, when that was the last thing she wanted to do? 

She wants to tell him. She wants to tell him that she’s been on his side, ever since the drop. Because yeah, she was pissed. He threw away the shot she would have done anything to take. But nobody, forfeit or not - deserved what he got. She has faith - faith that he had his reasons. A good reason. And she’s looked up to him for long enough to not just leave him behind. And so why can’t she say it? Because she doesn’t know how. Because she’s afraid. It’s a whole slew of things, all of which Rin really, really does not know. And when Alain doesn’t say a thing, she makes herself keep talking. 

“I’m really sorry, and I don’t know why I said that. It was rude, insensitive, and I-”

“You know what? It’s fine.” And the pure, cold ice that laces his tone is enough to convince her the exact otherwise. Because he can’t be _fine_ if he sounds like that. He can’t be. And the way his eyes narrow, and the way he suddenly turns, and doesn’t even look her in the eye - well, Rin knows she fucked up. Does she understand how, or why? No. Not really. She knows she said a pretty bitchy thing, but she doesn’t understand why it hit him so hard. And while she wants to question it, wants to know - she isn’t stupid. She gets that she needs to drop it. Apologize. Move on. 

And so it’s safe to say that she won’t be talking much to him for the rest of the week, likely forever. Not when their careful, barely existent relationship, one that could hardly even teeter on friendship - ended with a plummet from the ice. So Rin just nods, grips the strap of her bag a little tighter, and runs the other hand through her hair, through the turquoise tinted ends. She does risk one more glance, up. He still won’t look at her, but she can almost picture his eyes, and the way that they’ll be filled with an anger and frustration she can’t even begin to understand. And he just turns, ready to go. She expects him, really, to just say one last thing. 

“Good luck tomorrow.” And he does nearly go, after that. She thinks he will, for a second. Then he stops, six feet away. Turns and looks back over his shoulder, eyes eerily close to empty. He tightens his jaw, and then breathes. “And if nothing else, Rin? Please remember what I told you.” Then he’s gone, for real. Rin just stares. Stares, and tries not to think about what she just did, how she just screwed up. But she does think, about how he left. 

Good luck. Well, he probably doesn’t mean it. Because even if he considers himself out of the race for first, and even if, when she tries, Rin can almost convince herself to do the same - he doesn’t like her. That much is obvious. She was rude, she hit a nerve. She may not understand, but she knows that much. He can’t possibly mean it. 

And then... he wants her to remember. To remember… what? What, exactly? They talked, for an hour. He said a lot of _things._ But… 

Well, she does know. Rin can’t lie to herself - not like that. She knows exactly what he meant. 

Because really, he just wants her to take a break, even if just for an hour. To let go, to have fun. And he wants her to breathe. So does she trust him, really? Does she? After all, he ruined his own reputation with one single move, fell short just when he needed it the most. He made mistakes, where Rin can’t and will never afford to. And yet… 

And yet, he’s Alain. Alain Viard. She’s looked up to him, for years. And if he tells her to _breathe,_ maybe she will. 

And, at the very least - maybe she owes him that much. 

_♢ ------- And let it help you. -------♢_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise i'll post more consistently lol but i'm halfway through chapter 6 writing wise, which is nice? and i wanna do a long author's note but i'm lazy so that's all bye :P


	3. don't get too close / it's dark inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And no. It’s not the same, not exactly. It’s not… It’s not the pain of loss, the pain of loss all while knowing that the people you always turned to will do nothing but tear you apart. Instead, it’s just… Well, Alain guesses it’s really just the same idea. The idea of letting everyone down, and nobody harder than yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would do chapter summaries but i'm too lazy lol

_♢ ------- They say it’s what you make… -------♢_

_August 17th, 2019 - Manalo Conference Center, Alola Region_

Alain Viard doesn’t smile. He doesn’t show emotion. He lives by that, because he knows it sets him apart from the rest of them. But while he watches his opponent’s Yveltal drop, drop to a Dragon Ascent from his Mega Rayquaza - he’s _happy._ He’s so, so happy. He doesn’t even think about what happened the last time he was this happy, doesn’t think about how much it cost him and what he lost. He just smiles, for real. He grins. The crowd absolutely erupts. In his headset, he hears his opponent swear, and he does admittedly feel a little bad. But they’d come to the agreement - play their last round, for the sake of seeding, and give the crowd one last good game, to end Day 2’s Swiss. Alain couldn’t bring himself to _expect_ a win - he knew he was good, but he also knew that the second his mind drifted, it was all over. But he just… played. He won. It was a tight set, for sure, and Gladion Aether put up a real damn good fight - but he _won._ 7-0. Seed 1, or possibly 2. 

_Let’s. Fucking. Go._

And so he shakes his opponent’s hand, tells him good game - because it was. And then he packs up his 3DS, shoving it into his pockets, and looks out once at the crowd. Smiles, again. 7-0. On stream. Undefeated, _all tournament long._ He’s going to win. He’s going to win the whole damn thing. Because what happened - what happened after Internats - he won’t let them get to him. He’ll keep going, he'll get stronger. At least, that’s what he thinks, hopes. Inside…

Well, inside, is that really true? 

He’s not even going to think about it, not now. He’s happy. He’s never happy. He’ll take it, while it lasts. 

_♢ ------- I say it’s up to fate. -------♢_

_August 14th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

It’s Day 1. Day 1 of Worlds 2020. And Alain’s… here. Why is he here? Does he even want to be? He feels like he has to - has to compete, one last time. He’ll fail, he knows. But he’ll compete. Because maybe, just maybe, he can do that one thing right. 

Or maybe not. He always seems to do the _wrong_ thing - he saw that, yesterday. He fucked up, again. He always did. Because he tried, he tried so, so hard, and he knows it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t Rin’s fault. She wouldn’t have known. But fuck, it _hurt._ It hurt so much. Because Alain knows who he used to be, who Rin tries to follow. He saw it in her eyes, in her voice, in every word she said. 

And he also knows, that person - that person she’s trying to be - is the monster he wishes he’d never even become. And nothing hurts more than to see her, tearing herself apart from the inside, when all he wants to do is help her. And he can’t. Because he’s weak, he’s _stupid._ He tries, and he fails, every damn time. Because suddenly, the words start getting to him, and everything starts caving down. There’s nothing he can do but crack, nothing he can do but break. Fall. And by the time he gets himself together, it’s far too late. When he realizes her _sorry_ was real, genuine, that she meant it, unlike what _he_ said before disappearing completely - it’s so, so late. He lost his shot. 

That’s why he should have known better, known better than to try and talk to her. No matter what they said - no matter what _Mairin_ said - he was better off alone, anyways. He couldn’t do anything for other people except hurt them. They couldn’t do anything for him, because he was broken. Beyond saving. 

And yet…

And yet, at the same time, he knows inside. He knows that he should say something. He doesn’t want to leave Rin like that. He doesn’t know, he doesn't understand, why he can’t bring himself to end things the way he did yesterday. Maybe it’s because he knows she’s falling, falling down the same path he did, and if nothing else, he wants to save her. Because he couldn’t save himself. But he does stare at her, blankly. Because it’s the second day in the row they’ve met, accidentally. Unless yesterday wasn’t an accident. She did approach him, but anything beyond their initial conversation wasn’t meant to be. Clearly. Not after he ruined it like that. And then, wordlessly, Rin just… turns to go. And it hurts him in a way it really should not. 

“Wait.” And much to his surprise, she does. She stops. There’s no other acknowledgement, except for that, but he’ll take it. And Alain takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I cracked yesterday. I don’t…” He pauses, and immediately regrets everything he just said. What the fuck is he doing, like _this-_

“It’s fine.” He can’t tell if she’s lying or not. It’s emotionless, almost. Empty. “I know what I said, I know what I did - but I’m not rude enough to blame it on _you._ And so I know you probably don’t want to see me right now, you probably don’t _care._ But good luck. You probably don’t need it, but good luck. I hope you make Day 2.” And then, somehow, she disappears into the crowd. Gone, as if she was never even there. Alain stares at the space she’s left behind, and hears her voice, over and over. He doesn’t miss her. Why would he _miss her?_ He’s fine, that’s not _it_ , he can’t miss somebody he doesn’t even know-

 _Focus, Alain. Focus. Breathe._ He does. He breathes, slowly, and lets the world around him just fade to black. Better. He’s doing better. Then he nods, to nobody but himself, and heads towards the stage. It’s opening ceremony time, and he’ll probably end up watching it from the back corner like he usually does. But that’s okay. He just wants to focus on Pokemon, on his game - not on Rin. Not on a girl. It’s… admittedly a bit harder than he thought it would be, but he’ll try. And maybe, just _maybe_ , he’ll find something he didn't even realize he was missing. 

_♢ ------- It’s woven in my soul… -------♢_

_August 17th, 2019 - Manalo Conference Center, Alola Region_

Alain cuts through Top 16 with razor sharp focus. He doesn’t think about anything _,_ except for the match in front of him. Not even of X, his rival, his best friend, who plays two tables down. He doesn’t, until he sees him faceplant and groan, signifying nothing short of a loss. And Alain knows it’s wrong, he knows it’s bad. But all he can think is _‘Good, less competition this way.’_ And he hates it. He hates himself for thinking that way. But the field’s been cut in half, he’s climbing higher, he’s getting _closer-_

“VGC Trainers, your Top 8 matches are now posted. I repeat - VGC Trainers, your Top 8 matches have now been posted. Thank you.” Then the loudspeaker cuts out, and that’s all Alain needs. The Chrome tab is open on his phone, and he only needs to refresh it once. He finds his opponent, his table. He doesn’t really care _who_ it is, along as he can beat them. And he wants to think he can beat anyone here. He’s practiced hard enough for that. 

And he plays about the best he can, after over 10 hours of consistent VGC. Sure, it’s not his best game of all time - but it’s not Gold’s, either. He wins, considering the matchup is good. Even in a field of Geomancy-Power Herb Xerneases, Rayquaza does everything he needs it to. His Rayogre core is good, as usual, so he doesn’t regret bringing it to Worlds if it’ll help him win. It’s 2-1, and the last match was tight, for sure - but Alain just focused. Breathed. And he stayed calm, focused his entire mentality on winning that match and that match alone. One step at a time. And all it takes is a correct call on a single switch in, and the game is his. He’s headed to Top 4. _He’s headed to Top 4._

Winning, finally, seems possible. And he knows now, he won’t stop. He can’t. And he’ll show the world that they made a mistake, the first time. Because he’ll win, and _he has to._ He always does. 

And even with Lysandre gone, he won’t settle for anything less. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 14th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

_Head up, Alain. Focus. Play. Because if nothing else, you have a name to uphold. And you can try, one last time._

So he tries, he really does. But he didn’t lie to her, yesterday - because he may not be kind, he may not be perfect - but he wouldn’t lie like that to her. He’s out of practice. _Really_ out of practice. 

He plays - he plays to unwind, when he can suppress the rush of pure, cold pain that comes with a match, with the game - and he plays on the weekends, sometimes. For a couple hours. But _damn,_ it’s nothing like what he used to do. It’s just… for fun. He says goodbye to his VGC handle, and uses his real name. He fights on the ladder on a side account, just to be careful, too. That way nobody knows. And he does climb - he does climb, all the way to Master Ball tier - but then he just stops. He never clears Top 100, Top 500. Any of that. He doesn’t even try. And he’s forgotten, clearly. He’s forgotten how _real_ this all is. 

He miscalls a Protect. He hasn’t miscalled a Protect in live competition in over a year. He makes stupid mistake after stupid, _stupid_ mistake. He’s cracking, he knows. So is his facade. His opponent, the stranger that they are - they’re probably proud of themselves. They probably know his name, and they probably know that they’re beating last year’s 3rd place finisher. And Alain doesn’t have the heart to tell them that they’re just beating him down at his worst. He can’t bring himself to. So he just plays, wringing his hands under the table and swearing to himself at every missed call. There are a lot of them. The highlight of the whole set is the double KO in Game Two - G-Max Wildfire, from his Charizard - the core, the heart of his team - that takes out a Dragapult with ease. And then his Bisharp, who correctly calls a Night Shade and proceeds to Sucker Punch the hell out of the Dusclops and knock it out. It’s the only double KO he gets all set. It’s also the only correct call he makes. Everything after that is complete, utter garbage. He loses, 2-0. To a random person in the first round of Swiss. Already, he’s failing. He can do better. He can do _better._

_You can do better, you idiot!_

And yeah, he signs the match slip. He fakes a tight, tense smile. Shakes his opponent’s hand, and then leaves. Leaves as fast as he fucking can. 

_Why am I even here?_

Because at this rate, he sure as hell doesn’t deserve to be. Especially not after he narrowly wins his second round, and then gets absolutely _destroyed_ in Round 3. He’s failing. He’s failing, so hard. Why can’t he do _better?_ Already, he’s 1-2. _1-2._ He can’t lose another match, or…

Well, if he loses again, he’s proving himself right. _“I won’t make Day 2.”_ And it’s true. He didn’t think he would. But know that he’s here? Now that he loses, fails, time and time again? It hurts so much more than he thought it would. It hurts, and it hurts in the same way that-

He breathes, shakily. Leans against the wall, shoving his free hand into his pocket, Switch case gripped tightly in the other. _It hurts in the same way Internats did, and when I found out I was too late._

And no. It’s not the same, not exactly. It’s not… It’s not the pain of loss, the pain of loss all while knowing that the people you always turned to will do nothing but tear you apart. Instead, it’s just… Well, Alain guesses it’s really just the same idea. The idea of letting everyone down, and nobody harder than yourself. 

And then, somehow - all he can think about is Rin’s words from the day before. 

_“You know, I think you’re dumber than people realize.You don’t think you’re gonna make Day 2. Excuse me? Excuse me? Do you have any idea how stupid you sound? Last year, you said you didn’t plan on losing a single match, all throughout Worlds. And you said that you, at the very least, had faith in yourself, your skills, your playing. Everybody knew it, clearly, including you. You’re really fucking good, Alain. Trust me. Because now that you showed up, the competition just got a whole lot stiffer.”_

And no, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know why everytime he panics, every time he starts to shake - he just thinks of her. And why… Why he knows that what she says is exactly what he needs to remember. There was him, last year. The way he used to be. And then there’s him, now. The failure that he is. But all he needs to do - _the only thing he needs to do -_ is find himself. Who he was. And he just needs to bring a little bit of that back. Can he? God, he hopes he can. He has to. Because it may be his last tournament, it may be his last shot - but he can at least _try._

He has to. He doesn’t want this to all end up the same way as Internats did. Because even if the pain is the same, even if it starts as it - he can find his stride. Maybe. Hopefully. Then he can fly. 

He owes them all - he owes _him_ \- just that much. 

_♢ ------- I need to let you go.-------♢_

_August 17th, 2019 - Manalo Conference Center, Alola Region_

There is _nothing_ \- nothing worse than the feeling of falling. Failure. Defeat, because you ruined it all. You made one wrong decision, and _it’s over. It’s fucking over. You lost._

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if it’s Red, _he couldn’t care less._ But it sucks. It fucking sucks. He hates everything, he hates the world, he hates _himself_ more than anything-

 _Dude. Breathe. It’s okay._ It’s not okay. He knows it’s the opposite of okay. But he keeps trying, anyways. _Keep breathing. Shake his hand. Say good game._ But everything he does, everything he does from that point on - it’s so, so fake. Manufactured. The only thing real about it is the obvious frustration, the pain. The swears he utters into his headset. And the fact that he’s out of there as soon as he can be. 

_Alain. Calm down. It’s okay._ He tries, but hearing it in Sycamore’s voice doesn’t help. Mairin’s doesn’t, either. In fact, Sycamore’s probably makes it _worse._ The last time he spoke those words to him was… 

_Was after Internats._

And accidentally, somehow, that’s when everything just… breaks. 

_I fucked up. Twice. I lost him, I lost everything. I lost in Top 4. Top 4. I can do better than that, what the fuck is wrong with me-_

He was doing it. He was doing so, so well. He went into Internats with a Worlds Invite set, and the respect of nearly the whole Zone. He and X - they went in, with the expectations for a meeting in the Finals. Their real match. And then…

_And then I dropped._

He didn’t have a choice. He had to. He had to _try._ And then, he did. So he tried. He dropped everything and _ran._ Drove 15 miles over the speed limit. And _it didn’t fucking matter._ Too late. Too fucking late. He let down his guard for just a second, he let himself fall into his game. And he smiled. Then he lost it all.

But, you know what? He forced himself to keep going. He was strong - he had to be. He could do it. He’d come too far to stop now, he couldn’t let it get to him. He would keep fighting, and he would get to Worlds. He’d let himself forget, for even just a weekend. He’d play his heart out, and then he’d _win._ He’d get the redemption he needed, even just to satisfy himself. And for a moment, he was so close. _So, so close._ He fails. 

Satoshi Red - Red, being the king that he is - he wins. He wins. _He always wins._ And so where does that leave him? Trying not to cry, 20 minutes later, in his hotel room. On the day that had been one of the best days of his life, up until Rayquaza fell. And he can’t blame it on anybody - nobody but himself. He could have played better. He could have pushed himself, harder and harder and _harder_ because he knows he’s done better before and _he could do it again if he just could even have been bothered to_ _try and it just_ ** _hurts-_**

Alain cries. He knows it’s stupid. He shouldn’t _cry,_ not over Top 4. Top 4 is really fucking good _._ He actually places third, he knows, because of his 7-0 Swiss record over Luna Kajiba’s 5-2. He gets a trophy. And at the same time, it doesn’t even matter. Because in the end, what even _does_? Nothing - not if you're already broken. And not if your only chance at saving yourself ended in nothing but absolute, catastrophic disaster. And if he’s not good enough now, he knows he never will be. 

Game. Set. Match. 

It’s over, and Alain just falls into black. 

_♢ ------- Your eyes, they shine so bright... -------♢_

_August 14th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Round 4 goes better, it really does. It’s far from perfect, and Alain is far from happy - but _he wins._ He wins. 2-2. Only 5 more wins to go. He doesn’t expect to get there. 

He does feel bad, though. In every match, both he and his opponent are fighting for their Worlds run to stay alive. They both put so much into each match, and they both play, so, so hard. The field is tough, and Alain doesn’t even think he deserved to win that last one. But then Round 5 matches go up, and Alain finds his name. Then he swears. Because he doesn’t care _who_ he’s facing - all that matters is that he’s on stream. He’s on the VGC Stream. _Damnit._

And Alain used to like playing on stream, he really did. He liked knowing that everyone’s eyes were on him, because then, winning would just feel even better. But he’s done nothing but lose, ever since Worlds. Ever since losing to Red, he’s yet to win a single match with the cameras trained on him, and with the world watching. So it doesn’t matter if he never got nervous before, he’s nervous _now,_ and nothing can change that. 

He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to play, in front of everyone. He’s tired of failing, because it’s the worst feeling in the entire damn World. But it’s not like he can opt out, and he swore to never, ever _drop_ again-

“You’re on stream.” And he does recognize Rin’s voice - he does, immediately. He doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not. 

“I know.” But she’s stating the obvious. He does know. He hates it. He hates… a lot of things, especially these days. But even if he’s scared, he can’t let any of it show, because he _never_ can-

“Are you okay?” But it’s then that Alain realizes that so many people have come and gone, moved along. He’s just stood there, staring. Blank. Trying not to shake, or crack. He’s not really okay, but at the same time, he figures Rin wouldn’t understand it, anyways. He just looks down, and then turns. 

“I’m fine,” he lies. He lies, so easily. He lies too much. And for some reason, he hates lying to Rin. Even if he barely knows her. But he does it anyways, because… 

Maybe just because he doesn’t want her sympathy. 

“If you say so.” But in the end, does it matter? She can see right through him. He doesn’t know how, but she can see right through him. He just clenches his jaw, and breathes. Then he looks up at her, and in a fairytale world, he’d smile. In reality, he doesn’t. 

“Good luck,” he says finally. She can probably tell the edge to his tone is forced, the shortness is fake. Maybe. But there’s a point where Alain’s just going to give up. And so he turns, and walks away. 

“Alain.” And then he stops, just a moment later. He almost looks back over his shoulder, back at where Rin stands. He doesn’t. “It’s going to be okay. I know it is.” And he doesn’t know - he doesn’t know how she can say that, and why he almost wants to believe her. And he doesn’t know what gives her the right. But at the same time, well…

“And I just hope you’re right.” That time, he goes, for real. Rin doesn’t bother calling after him. Alain just focuses, he breathes. He slips backstage for the stream, a minute late, and can’t even bother to apologize. Because then he’s out on stage, for the first time since… since January, when his entire season skidded to a halt. And he knows there are hundreds, thousands of eyes on him - and he knows that they expect him to win. Because he - he, _Alain_ \- should not be _2-2._ He should not be fighting for his entire Worlds run in every match. Everybody knows that, including him. Including Rin. And maybe that’s what gets him - that’s what inspires him to try, to try harder. Maybe it’s the pressure, the cameras, the eyes. The feeling he once loved. Or maybe, simply, he gets into his zone. And in the end? It’s a whole combination of those things. And, mostly…

Well, truly? It’s the fact that somebody who barely even knows him can somehow, tell him - tell him that it's going to be all right. It might not be. But for her, at least - he’ll try. 

And for the first time, for the first time in a _year_ \- he plays. For real. And he wins. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

Alain forgot. He forgot how much he loves this. He forgot why, _why._ Because _damnit,_ he’s missed this. It’s not all about the winning, in the end. He plays VGC, not just to drown out the world. He plays because he loves it. Because it brings him joy. Because he has _fun._ And never, _never -_ has he smiled because he went 3-2. Never. At least, not until today. 

And then Alain Viard smiles. On stream. He really does. And does he regret it?

No. No, he doesn’t. Because, in the end - is there anything _wrong_ with being happy? There isn't. There isn’t, until it costs a life. And hopefully, for just one weekend, he can forget what happened. And he can remember why this game is his life. 

_♢ ------- I want to save that light. -------♢_

3-2. It’s not perfect. It’s nothing magical, it’s not enough, just yet. But for the first time all day, Alain is happy. He leaves the stream with a slight smile, after a clean, perfect 2-0. There’s nothing better - _nothing -_ than winning on stream. In front of everyone who thought you were a failure, thought there was no way you were good enough. Because _him_ , going 2-2? Alain isn’t dumb. He knows why they streamed him. He placed Top 4, was the Runner Up at Z4IC ‘19. Four time Regional Champion, eight Midseason Showdowns - a lot. There were a lot of accolades to list under his name, next to his team, on that video. And they streamed him, because he was a surprise. Nobody - certainly nobody, if Rin was any indication - expected him to be here. He just… showed up. He went 2-2. He played nothing short of _terrible_ , or at the least, far from his old standards. And he doesn’t like it - he doesn't like knowing they streamed him, because they thought that was it. Alain Viard was gonna lose. Whoever made the stream choices was _not_ about to let him leave without a single match saved on video. And, well…

He hates why, he really does. But at the same time, he’s thankful. The stream smacked some sense into him. He found that stride, the perfect four. He won. 

_Alain, you won. You actually won._ And he knows it’s not enough. It’s not going to be enough, until there’s a 7-2 next to his name on the match sheet. But maybe, in six hours - it’ll be there. He’ll try. And if his last match was any indication, he might actually have a chance. 

Because for the first time, Day 2 seems like a real possibility. And maybe, just maybe - Rin Yukino was right. And he wants that to be true, more than he could admit to anybody. Even himself. And certainly, not in a million years - not to her. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

“Congratulations.” Rin finds him, not long after he leaves backstage. He takes her early finish as a signal that she, too, only played two matches. Alain is also pretty confident that she won. 

“Thank you,” he says. And he does mean it. But somehow, Rin was smart, and is currently eating a salad that Alain can safely assume came from her backpack, packed before the tournament began. At that point, it’s around 2 PM, and he hasn’t eaten. Not at all, not all day. Mistake. He sighs, and continues talking. “I’m still 3-2, though. I can’t afford to lose, not even once. Not if I wanna make Day 2.” Rin stares at him, and for a second, he could have _sworn_ she smiles. For just a second. Maybe he’s seeing things. 

“You don’t have to pretend, you know. I saw you smile on stream. Let yourself be happy.” He freezes, and she shrugs, as if she’s said nothing at all. Takes another bite of her salad, as if she’s not just said the one thing he’s tried so, so hard to wire into himself for months. For a _year._ Because…

_Let yourself be happy. Let yourself be happy, Alain._

Why? Why is Rin like this? Why does she _care?_ But he does look at her, and he does look her in the eye. She looks back, as if they hadn’t fought yesterday. Alain rather likes it this way. And he does smile, ever so slightly. He really does. 

“Okay. Sure.” He doesn’t know why he lets Rin see him like this. They aren’t friends. They can’t be. But for once, maybe, it feels good to let his guard down, even for just a _second-_

“Catch.” She tosses him a granola bar, also probably from his backup. He catches it, and then stares up at her. She shrugs again, like it’s nothing. Maybe that’s what it is, maybe he overthinks things far too much. But Rin…

_Why is Rin being so nice to me?_

“Thank you.” But he doesn’t really want to think. His brain is tired enough, from 6 hours of VGC. He just lets himself smile, enjoy the moment. Finally eat _something,_ because he always feels sick at the thought of eating before a big tournament. It’s always been that way, healthy or not. It’s not perfect - it’s a granola bar, and it’s 2 PM - but it helps, and he’s happy, hungry or not. Rin continues eating her salad, and Alain leans back in his chair, and glances around the room. Smiles, ever so slightly. He missed this, the crowds. The banners, artwork, booths for rare trading cards, merch and plushies. He’s not a people person, but somehow, seeing thousands of people, from all over the world - all together, for Pokemon? It’s magic. There’s nothing more to it. Because even if they’ve hurt him, even if they’ve made him want to just crawl into a hole and hide forever, because he was _scared_ \- it’s still the place where he belongs. And maybe he’s wrong, maybe it’s a spur of the moment thing. Maybe he’s glorifying it in his head. But at that exact moment, on that exact day, he wonders. He wonders one thing. 

_What happened to me, this past year? What happened to_ me _?_

And maybe it’s just the euphoria that follows a victory, maybe it’s Rin, across the table from him. But he does know that something happened. Even if he can’t name what, exactly - he knows something happened. How did he let this go? What went wrong? And he does look, back at Rin. She catches his eye. She catches the smile, she catches the way he lets himself relax, for just a second. And somehow, for _some reason -_ she smiles back. And nothing needs to even be said. She stands up and leaves, without a word. But Alain knows that she didn’t need to say a thing. It doesn’t hurt him. It’s a good luck, from her to him, and vice versa. It’s a promise, that they’ll both make Day 2. And it’s the slightest, quiet acknowledgement, that maybe, just maybe - they’re _friends._

_♢ ------- I can’t escape this now... -------♢_

And he does it. It’s not on stream, it’s not in front of a crowd, but he does it. Alain Viard wins his 9th Round. _7-2._ He goes _7-2._

_Holy shit._

Clear. He actually cleared Day 1, and made Day 2. And Alain doesn’t know why, but he almost wants to cry. Maybe it’s because he never expected to actually… do it. Maybe it’s because he’s proud, happy. Because he finally got his stride back, and because he showed at least somebody, even if it was just himself - that he did, at one point, love this game. 

But in the end, it doesn’t matter. A lot of things don’t matter, he knows. Just like dropping the biggest shot of your life, because still, you’ll only be too late. Just like playing the best you’ve played, because in the end, you still fall two places too short. And, well…

Like not understanding what, exactly, makes you smile. The only thing that _does_ matter is that he’s happy. He knows it. 

And he’ll realize, three hours later - it’s Pokemon. It’s the game. 

And somehow, on top of all of that, it’s her. It’s Rin. 

_♢ ------- Unless you show me how. -------♢_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and i'm also too lazy for author's notes, as usual :P


	4. this is your moment / take to the skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And inside, she almost wishes she didn’t. Because she’s not here to be happy. 
> 
> But it’s better to be happy for him, than to be happy for herself, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seriously gotta get a consistent posting schedule for this don't i

_♢ ------- If you were born... -------♢_

_April 17th, 2020 - Estrel Lumiose Congress Center, Kalos Region_

Rin fights, she really does. She tries her absolute best, and plays near her limit. She makes no more than two major mistakes all of Day 1. And somehow, _somehow_ …

Why? Why, she asks herself? Why is it never good enough? She does everything - _everything_ \- she can. She plays to the best of her ability. And still, everytime - not enough. Not good enough. 7-2 barely clears her for Day 2. Why is this so _hard?_

Stupid. She’s stupid. _7-2_ isn’t good enough. _Alain Viard_ did not go 7-2. He went 9-0. And then he went 5-0, the next day. He won every damn game. Rin’s already falling short. What is she even _doing?_

But she tries to breathe, because she knows it’s not the end of the world. Of course not. Alain’s the only player in history to go undefeated all of Internats, if you don’t count the Finals. She shouldn’t be beating herself up for not meeting his standard, but… 

She does. She does anyway. Rin doesn't know if it’s her nature, her drive - or if it's her parents, their influence, the pressure. Either way, it doesn’t matter. It’s not good enough. She needs to do better, Day 2. She needs to make Top 8. If she does, especially if she hits Top 4 - that’s her Worlds Day 2 invite, set in stone. That’s what she wants. She wants to go into Worlds with nothing but cold, calm confidence. She wants to be a name that everybody knows. And if she can win Internats, then…

 _Of course you can. Of course you can win, you idiot. You’ve been training for this._ And yeah, she has. She really has. But there’s X, firstly. Reigning Champion. And then there’s the sudden surge from Galar - the twins, Victor and Gloria. Rin knows they’re good. Hop exists, too, and he’s Leon’s younger brother. And everybody knows Leon, because he won Worlds, _three years in a row._ 2011, 2012, 2013. Seniors, Masters, and then Masters again. Nobody else has ever, _ever_ done that. He doesn’t compete anymore, but…

Well, Hop. The poor kid has a whole shit ton of expectations on him, and so far… So far, he’s been living up to them. Admittedly, he’s not the hotshot of the year - that goes to Gloria - but he’s good. He’s on Rin’s level, for sure. She takes that as a sign that she just needs to be _better._

But Rin heads out, ducking through the doors of the event’s center. And that night, she sits there awake in her hotel room, thinking. Five Swiss rounds, and then Top Cut. She’s got this. She’s totally got this. And she does - she really does - want to believe in herself. He was. She needs to be, too. But it’s hard, and she can try all she wants, but…

Well, she can’t know. She can’t see the future. And then she does wonder, too. She wonders if Alain was really as confident as they all thought he was. 

Because if she can fake it, who's to say he was real, too?

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 14th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Day 1 starts off well. Better than Internats, to be sure. She runs into Alain, before it all starts. It’s over just as quickly as it begins - he apologizes. She says it’s fine, even if she’s not sure if it is. Honestly, Rin doesn’t really know what to think about yesterday. But then she moves along, pushes the conversation to the far back of her mind. She focuses on her matches, breathes the way she practiced, in the way that always seems to calm her nerves. She plays well, too. The team is working just how it needs to, and Primarina finishes things in Round 3 with one last Hydro Cannon based Max Geyser. She doesn’t regret running Hydro Cannon - in fact, she does quite like the extra power it provides. She knocked out this Excadrill back in Round 2 that she definitely wouldn’t have with any other base. But she’s 3-0, and Rin’s happy about it. Even if she knows it’s far from over, even if she’s not stupid enough to think anything is set in stone - the first three rounds are a good indication of how the day is going to go. It’s going well, in that case. She hopes her luck, mentality, and playing level hold. It won’t be easy, thinking straight for 9 full rounds. But she’ll try. 

She heads to her next match with nothing but laser focus, and plays equally as well as she has all day. The field is admittedly getting tougher - Swiss does tend to be like that, of course. The better you do, the harder the opponents get. It’s an effective way of narrowing down a field until only the best truly remain. But she plays well, and her opponent’s Sand team is easily neutralized by a few Max Geysers. She’s seriously loving her Primarina, and the work it’s been putting in. Game Two is moderately more difficult, when they ditch the predictable Tyranitar-Excadrill lead, and bring Dragapult Togekiss instead. But the team isn’t anything unusual, and Rin knows how it works. She’s played enough matches for that. Sand, alongside the fantasy Exca-Toge-Draga core has been popular since Sword and Shield’s release. Nothing seems to be changing about that anytime soon. But it does mean that however good it may be, Rin can play around it. The Rage Powder and Follow Me spam does get on her nerves, but she just breathes, and stays calm. Makes each play with a steady, level head. And it pays off completely, when she wins the set 2-0. She doesn’t smile, but she does nod, and signs the match slip quickly before taking off. She’ll keep playing. She’ll keep winning. And she doesn’t plan on letting anybody stand in the way between her and the trophy that she’s tried so, so hard for. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_April 18th, 2020 - Estrel Lumiose Congress Center, Kalos Region_

Day 2 starts off okay. Just okay. There aren’t more than 40 players left in the field, but Rin knows she can do better. Ideally, she Top Cuts. That would mean Top 8. But in that case, she needs to be aiming for 4-1, just to be careful. 3-2 could land her just short. And so she plays the best she can. Admittedly, she’s tired, but she’s also trying her best. So are her opponents. Rin narrowly wins Round 1, 2-1. And for some reason, her Alolan Sandslash-Ninetales isn’t working. It’s just… not. Hail is good for one reason only - Aurora Veil. But Aurora Veil is good. It’s so, _so_ good. So she has Aurora Veil Ninetales, Slush Rush Dynamax Alolan Sandslash. That was the plan. It worked fine on Day 1, didn’t it? It was _fine._ Her shitty record was her fault, and her fault alone. So why is it not working? What is she doing wrong? 

_Know the difference, Rin. Get it together._

But she does know - she does know that there are team issues versus player issues. When you lose, you’re supposed to learn. Look back on it the next day, and figure out _why,_ exactly, you lost. Sometimes, it’s not as obvious as a miscalled Protect, or a switch in that your opponent predicts exactly. It can be anything. It can be that one moment, back in Turn Two, when you switched in Primarina instead of Ferrothorn, or when your opponent double Protected in the final turn of Aurora Veil, and you didn’t switch out. Or it’s the team. Your opponent brought Rapid Strike Urshifu, you didn’t prepare a good enough counter. Your Alolan Sandslash was four EVs short of outspeeding the Dragapult under hail. She’s supposed to know the difference. Her fault, or the team? 

Yet, in the end - it’s all her fault. She plays wrong, the team doesn’t work. Either way. Still her fault. Because she made it. So why does it matter? All that matters is the way she lost her second round. The way that she swears, the way that she has to breathe, again and again and again. Because she’s still not good enough. 1-1 is not _good enough._ What the fuck is wrong with her? Why is it never good enough? But Rin swallows, forces the pain back down her throat. She looks up, around the hall. Then she nods to herself. It’s okay. As long as she wins the next one, wins the rest of her games. Pushes herself, pushes her team, even farther. 

Because the only thing that matters is _winning._ Isn’t that the end of the story? Isn’t that the only way she’ll make it out of here with her pride in one piece? Inside, Rin doesn’t even know. But what is she even worth, if she doesn’t win? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Winning is what matters, anyways. And that’s all she wants to do. That’s all she can do. Because winning is _everything._

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 14th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Rin heads to the match board to check her Round 5 matches, the moment they’re announced. Even if there are over a dozen other players, she pushes her way through the crowd, slowly. And before she can even find her name, she catches a familiar glimpse of black, almost blue-ish hair. And she expects Alain to move, she really does. He doesn’t, and she speaks. 

“You’re on stream,” she says, eyes landing on where his name sits. 

And “I know” is what he says, blankly, voice empty. He doesn’t move, but Rin can notice the tension in his shoulders, in the same way she can notice his fake smile. Players come, and then they go. The crowd thins. She doesn’t want to speak, almost, because she doesn’t want to break the silence. Instead, she finds her own name, and her own table. She memorizes it, quickly and easily. Turns back to Alain, who still stands there, staring blankly while lost in his own thoughts, for reasons Rin can’t even begin to understand. 

“Are you okay?” But she does say something. She does, when they’re completely alone. Silence, for just a moment. And then finally, he turns, even if he doesn’t actually look at her.

“I’m fine.” And she knows he’s lying. She knows he’s lying, but she doesn’t understand _why._ What reason does he have to lie? What reason does he have, to be so afraid? Why can’t he admit when he’s in pain? 

Then again, that’s a trick, too. So much is just a lie, especially all the shit she says to herself, every single day. She knows. She knows, because even before she started trying, Rin recognized that they were so, so close to the same. Obviously, she didn’t know him. Not really. But she saw enough, and she saw enough to see herself reflected in his violet-blue eyes. The same ones that shone with a pain that she wants to forget, back on the Worlds stage. Alain’s not going to admit to weakness. Rin knows she wouldn't, either. She doesn’t trust anybody enough for that. And clearly, it’s safe to assume that Alain is the same.

“If you say so,” she says. And she’s not going to push it, but she does want him to know. She sees through him, she sees through his words and his facade. Maybe it’s because they think the same, maybe it's just her, being stupidly perceptive again. Maybe it’s a mix of both. But what matters is that she knows, he knows. He can lie all he wants, but she understands him, and she can and will see the truth. And so Alain just clenches his jaw, looks up, and breathes. 

“Good luck.” It’s so short. It’s so blank, so empty. She hates it. She hates how defeated he sounds, even if she barely even knows him. Why does her heart _hurt_ for somebody that she barely even knows? It does, anyways. Rin can’t even be bothered to stop it. Inside, she knows that if she fails today, she’ll be no different than him, anyways. And then, before she can even reply, he just leaves. He walks away, towards the stream, towards the stage. Rin’s mouth goes dry, but then she forces herself to breathe, and call after him, just one more time. 

“Alain.” And he stops, he actually does. He doesn’t look back at her, and on one hand, it hurts. Knowing that he won’t even look back for her. On the other hand, she knows she shouldn’t be surprised. But if he had, though - if he had spared a moment, a single glance - he would have seen her smile. 

“It’s going to be okay,” she says. “I know it is.” And she doesn’t know why - she doesn’t know why, or how she can be so sure. But she does know why she does it. Because she really, really wishes somebody would have said the same for her. Because nobody ever did. 

“And I just hope you’re right,” is how he replies. And Rin takes that, she really does. He heard her. He listened. She can’t hope for, and he can’t promise, anything more than that. She’s not asking him to win. She’s not asking him to stick in this game, long enough to make Day 2. But he understands, and she knows - that all she wants him to do is _try._ And if he can do that, she can’t ask him for anything more. 

Because even by itself, just _trying_ is hard enough. She knows that.

_♢ ------- ...with the weakness to fall... -------♢_

_April 18th, 2020 - Estrel Lumiose Congress Center, Kalos Region_

She wins her next match. Barely. She wins it, though. That’s what matters. If she can live with the fear of not being enough, she can live too with the fear of being just barely over the edge. And she knows she’s pushing herself - she’s pushing herself, she’s pushing the team, past and beyond its limit. At some point, she’s bound to break. At some point, she’ll miss a Blizzard in the dark. And at some point, her run is going to end. 

_You’re not going to win. You’re not good enough to win._

She knows. She knows that her, Rin Yukino, _2-1,_ is not going to win the Zone 4 International Championships. She can’t, not like this, and not when she might even miss Top Cut. And she hates it. She hates it, because she _tried,_ and because she wanted to succeed, where Alain failed. She wanted to rise up, after he fell. To fill the space he left behind. And yet… _You failed._

She failed. Of course she did. She never did anything but fail _,_ anyways. She can’t remember the last time anyone, herself included - had ever considered her good enough. But Rin looks up, she swallows her pride. She keeps going. She keeps going, because if nothing else, she knows she’s not quitting until it’s really, truly over. She doesn’t have that _quitting_ in her. Inside, she fights, and she fights until she drops. So she goes to check the board for Round 4, with the mindset that she just needs to win two more. Maybe just one. _Maybe._ She hates the _maybe,_ not that there’s anything she can change about it, though. But with every play, with every turn - she’s getting closer, she wants to think. _I’m getting closer._

So that’s the sentence she repeats, over and over, all throughout Round 4. Even when Sandslash gets doubled into on the first turn, and she’s left with no Togekiss answer. Even when Ninetales, as she predicted, misses a blind Blizzard. Stupid 70% accuracy. Stupid her, too, for going for it. 

_You’re getting closer._ But it’s okay. Rin wants to tell herself that it’ll be okay. She’ll keep trying, because if her opponent screws up, just _once-_

There it is. Dragapult switches in. _Triple Axel._ It hits three times. Three times, even though it feels as if it never does. She calls the switch, just right. Tsareena takes it out in one turn. Rin, for the briefest second, has this flash of hope - _You can win this round. You can win the next one. Just go one step at a time._ And she does win - she does win her 4th round. It brings her to 3-1. She’s getting there. 

_You’re getting closer._ And she thinks of nothing else, nothing other than her games. Than her matches, than those words. Step by step, she _will_ get there. Top Cut. She can make Top Cut, yes she _can_ -

_Fuck._

She rereads it, once. Twice. Nothing changes. What did she expect?

_Table 6: Rin Yukino [3-1] VS Xavier Rigaud Oshiro [3-1]_

And the first thing that runs through her head is actually _not_ the fact that she’s facing X. It’s the fact that X has lost. It’s the fact that he, just like her, has _lost._ And Rin’s not sure if it makes her feel better, or worse. On one hand, it’s an even playing field. They’re on the same ground. Somehow. On the other hand… 

_How tough is this field, considering X has lost?_

Gloria. Victor. Hop. That’s three, who Rin safely assumes are undefeated, and one check at the match list confirms that. There are even more players from Galar, also 4-0. They didn’t come to play, that’s for sure. They came to win, just like she did. 

And the difference is _they’re_ actually succeeding. But Rin breathes, and unclenches her jaw. It’s okay. It’s _okay._ Alain would have beaten X. _Alain_ would have, if he hadn’t dropped. Rin knows she isn’t him, and she never will be. Not like this. But damnit, she’s going to _try._

And the shadow from last year - she’d be lying if she didn’t know that every single person at the damn tournament _knew._ Z4IC. Everybody in the community knew, too. Nobody had ever dropped, not at this level. Nobody had even thought they’d see it. So that stupid shadow, the stupid reputation - it hung over the whole competition like a black cloud. Alain’s reputation wasn’t the only thing torn from last year. Their entire region, the entire Zone, the entire Championships. Nobody really cared, anymore. They were all irrelevant, everyone would say. Alain’s shot at winning Worlds was all that they had left, all they had that could fix them. And he failed. 

_But it’s not his fault,_ Rin will say to herself, time and time again. Because she knows it’s not. It’s not his fault. He played well. And Red just played better. But she knows that this year, the competition isn’t a joke. Players in Zone 4 want to fill the place Alain left behind. She’s one of them. 

And some people will say that there really was no _Champion,_ last year. In that regard, she feels bad for X, who she has to play in five minutes. But this year, the slate is blank. Players want to win, she knows. She’s not the only one. They also want to prove to the Pokemon fandom that just because last year was a whole dumpster fire, _they_ aren’t. Zone 4 can, and _will,_ prove that they can compete with the best. That they are the best. 

So maybe it’s that appeal - the appeal of glory, of finally seeing the light - that pushes so many players to the competition. Players, better than her. Better than _X._ But Rin stops thinking, and she focuses. She heads to Table 6, where X is already sitting, and takes a deep breath. Then she sits, pulls out her Switch and her earbuds, and lets herself just _play._ Because there’s nothing more she can do, there’s nothing more for her to try. She just plays. She tries. She’ll do what she can, to win, even if it’s not enough. Because after all, what else can she do, when she’s come this far? 

She won’t quit. She won’t quit, not like he did. Even if either way, it might just be over anyways. And she just hopes it’s not. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 14th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Round 5 goes better than Rin could have ever imagined. She plays her best, and she, for once, is proud. She isn’t sure what it is - what it is that makes her… that makes her play _right._ But she does. She wins. She wins in what is quite possibly the fastest 2-0 she’s ever played. She doesn’t understand, how it was that easy. Or rather, it wasn’t easy - nothing about this level of VGC is _easy._ But she’s able to play, she’s able to, even if just barely, remember why she started. Started this game. At one point, she played for fun. Not for the records, for the glory. For the winning. She lost that side of her years ago, but…

Every now and then, it’s there. It really is. And yeah, it’s not like she knows what to do with it. But it’s there. Once, every fifty games - she’ll almost smile. She almost will. She’ll watch her opponent’s Dusclops go down with just one shot, she’ll watch the G-Max Venusaur faint to one last Max Hailstorm. That’s what makes her happy, even if just barely. Even if inside, she knows that she needs to keep fighting. She’s not done yet. She’s not done, until she has the First Place trophy in her hands. She’s not done until it’s her name, her team - on the top of the bracket. But she does relax, for even the slightest second. Signs her match slip, and then takes off. 

And Rin doesn’t think, but then she realizes how her feet move her to the edge of the VGC stage, the stream. She watches Alain play, from one side, leaning up against the barrier. And she watches, as his Charizard deals a final Blast Burn. She watches as he wins. And most importantly, she watches when he smiles. When he just… lights up. And Rin just-

Well, she smiles, too. She smiles because he does. She doesn’t know if it’s stupid, but…

Seeing him happy makes her happy. Why, she isn’t sure why. But it does. He smiles. He stands, pulling off his headphones, and just… smiles. He shakes his opponent’s hand, the crowd cheers. And Rin stands, and she watches his interview, too. Just because she doesn’t have anything else to do. Totally. 

(That’s a lie. She really, really wants to go eat lunch.)

“Congratulations, Alain! How are you feeling after that match?” It’s as if they don’t already know. As if they don’t _already_ know, that the moment Alain smiles, he’s really and truly happy. He isn’t smiling, at that moment, but Rin knows. He’s still happy. He really is. And what makes her even happier is that what he says next can’t be a lie. 

“I’m happy with it.” And never, almost never, do you get more than short, one sentence replies out of Alain Viard. But then he breathes, and he keeps going. “I played… admittedly, the best I have today. And I’m proud of that.” Rin smiles, again, from her end of the stage. Alain doesn’t look her way, but that’s all right with her. It’s not like she wants him seeing her like this, anyways. _She isn’t sure why._

“That’s good to hear!” The interviewer replies. Alain looks down, shuffling slightly, and nods once. Then he looks back up. “So, obviously, I think a lot of people have noticed your… absence, this past season.” Rin almost flinches, she really does. Instead, she just looks down, swallows, and wishes she could do something other than just stand there. She can’t. But Alain just clenches his jaw, nods. The interviewer keeps going. “Is there a reason for that? And how does it feel to be back at such a big event, coming off your invite from Top 4 last year?” There are, so, _so_ many undertones to that comment. That question. Is there a reason, he quit? And is there a reason, he decided it was a good idea to come back at a tournament this large, with no practice? And then there’s the obvious insinuation - _you didn’t qualify._ Anybody could have as well as flat out said _“you don’t deserve to be here.”_ But Alain just stands there, face straight, and shrugs. 

“I’ve been busy, that’s all. Wrapping up stuff in school, prepping for college next year. And I think I needed a break to clear my head a bit.” She admires how he keeps his cool, how he can say it all with a straight face, and the slightest hint of a smile. And she’s happy for him, too. “And yeah, I know. I didn’t qualify, not really. I didn’t hit the CP goal like everyone else here did. But… I came because it felt wrong, I guess? It felt wrong to miss Worlds. I’ve been competing here for the past four years. And there’s-” He stops. Rin stares. He looks at the camera, and the smile is gone. “There’s a chance this is my last one, at least for a while. There really is. But I wanted to come, one last time. I had the invite. I missed playing. So… yeah. I’m here, I guess. Not to win, not really. But I’m gonna at least play my best.” The smile is back, just barely. Rin can’t tell if it’s fake or not. She hopes it’s not. She hopes this interview hasn’t ruined his mood from earlier. Because he deserves to be happy sometimes. 

“Well, it’s nice to have you back!” Alain doesn’t nod. He just stands, and the interviewer continues. “And to touch upon your last statement a bit - you said your goal isn’t necessarily to win, it’s just to play your best. But placing wise, do you _have_ a goal at all?” _Because you always seemed to,_ is exactly what Rin thinks. The interviewer doesn’t say that. Rin, to be honest, really does want to know. Alain doesn’t speak for a moment, and then he nods. 

“Going into this, I didn’t. Like I said - just play my best, for one last tournament.” The moment the words leave his mouth, Rin knows. The _chance_ he mentioned earlier - it wasn’t just that. He knows. Alain is quitting after this. And it hurts her, and she doesn’t know why. She doesn’t want him to quit - but why does she care? Why does it matter to her?

Because she idolizes him. She knows she does. She has for the past two, three years. She doesn’t want him to quit. But then again, it’s not like she has a say, does she? Nobody does, except him. 

“But I’m 3-2 right now, and…” He looks out over the crowd. “I don’t expect to. But I want to make Day 2.” And she can’t help it - Rin smiles, again. Maybe it’s because yesterday, he said he didn’t expect to - and even if he still doesn’t, he wants to _try._ That in itself makes her happy. And then…

“Plus, when I said I didn’t think I even _could,_ well…” He pauses. Smiles, slightly. “Somebody told me that was stupid, and I think that wacked some sense into me.” She freezes. Then she smiles, _again_. She knows it’s her, and he doesn’t need to say it. It makes her happier than it really should. “I can at least try, I think,” he says. “I hope I can make it. And if I don’t, that’ll be okay. Just trying my best. That’s all I’m here for.” And then they cut it - a good luck from the interviewer, a couple more nods. But they do end it, there. The stream moves on. The announcers review the match, in detail, while Alain disappears backstage. Rin heads off, and pulls out a late lunch from her backpack. She’s still smiling, ever so slightly. And she waits, because she at least wants to say congratulations. 

And inside, she almost wishes she didn’t. Because she’s not here to be _happy._

But it’s better to be happy for him, than to be happy for herself, right?

_♢ ------- ...then you were born... -------♢_

_April 18th, 2020 - Estrel Lumiose Congress Center, Kalos Region_

Rin knows her focus is slipping. She hates herself for it, but it is. It’s her fifth round - not many at all, not in comparison to Worlds - but it’s enough that her mind begins to spin, and it’s enough to blame for the mistakes she continues to make. It’s hard to play right when she’s been thinking on her feet for the past four and a half hours, because these are some of the hardest matches she’s played. Whether it’s her fault or the team’s, it doesn’t matter. She’s still trying her best, and it’s still not good enough. Not good enough, as X’s Duraludon lands one final Flash Cannon into her Tsareena, ending their first game in a swift 4-1. She swears, and then sighs, forcing himself to think. In her head, she’s in Team Preview already. She knows his team, and he knows hers. But what can she even do?

Last round, she led Ninetales-Whimsicott, with Tsareena and Inteleon in the back. It didn’t work. It didn’t work at all. And she thinks about X’s team - Meowstic, Conkeldurr, Togekiss, Arcanine, Jellicent, Duraludon. She didn’t bring Hail last time - not in front of a fire type, a steel type, and a fighting type, covering all of Ninetales and Sandslash’s quad weaknesses. But does she have another option? Inteleon didn’t work for offense last time - not with a Max Lightning from Duraludon, not with Conkeldurr’s Thunder Punch. Tsareena could be a Dynamax candidate, but there’s a Scope Lens Max Togekiss possibility, and-

They go into Team Preview for real. 90 seconds. Rin has 90 seconds to get a game plan to keep her in this tournament, and she thinks as _fast_ as she can. 

_Hail._ But in the end, where do her thoughts even lead her? In circles. Absolutely nowhere. Because she can’t come up with a single idea outside of _Hail._ Five seconds. 

_Ninetales. First._

Four. 

_Sandslash. Second._

Three. Shit. Who in the back, who to cover-

_Incineroar._

Two. Damnit. There’s no time.

_Inteleon._

One. 

_Confirm._

She breathes, and the screen moves forwards. Her hands are sweating, already. Maybe she should have brought Tsareena, or maybe she should have brought-

 _Breathe. Breathe, Yukino. Breathe._ She tries. She does breathe, in and out, slowly. And she breathes, as X’s avatar sends two Pokeballs spiraling through the air-

_Meowstic Togekiss._

She’ll take it, she really will. She tries not to overthink the first turn, and goes for Aurora Veil with Ninetales, which is obvious enough. She pauses, though, when it comes to her Sandslash. She casts a look across the table, not that it helps. X’s face is blank, and then he’s locked in his moves already. Rin looks back down. Is a Max Hailstorm too predictable? What about Max Steelspike, for the defense boost in case he has the Conkeldurr in the back? But the Duraludon worked well last time, so he probably brought it again, which means it doesn’t really matter, right? 

_You’re fine, Rin. You’re fine._ She tries to stay calm, she really does. She tries to, when she decides she’s just gotta try. Dynamax. Max Steelspike into the Meowstic - she can’t stop it from Light Screening, but she wants the Thunder Wave and Fake Out pressure _gone._ Togekiss isn’t doing anything to her, anyways, and a Follow Me doesn’t mean the end of the world, necessarily. 

And five seconds later, Meowstic clicks Fake Out into Ninetales. Rin nods. She doesn’t like the fact that Ninetales flinches, that Aurora Veil will have to wait a turn. But Max Steelspike hits, Togekiss switches into Arcanine. Meowstic goes down, and Rin’s done what she wanted to. And she plays - she plays her best, she really does. Aurora Veil. Max Quake, to take out the Arcanine. A turn later, Ninetales drops. But that’s okay, as Sandslash hits its third Max move. The Max Quake does good damage to Duraludon, and Incineroar switches in. Fake Out. Drill Run. Then Parting Shot, then a switch to Inteleon. X stalls out the Hail with Protects, but Inteleon Snipe Shots into Togekiss before falling to a Thunderbolt, and just one more Drill Run takes out Duraludon. Rin takes Game Two. _Hell yes._ But then there’s Game Three. It’s not over. It’s not over, until she’s 4-1.

And fifteen minutes later, it’s done. Game Three is done. And Sandslash drops, it collapses, it disappears in a flash of blue-

_Shit._

Rin loses. She loses, to X. She’s 3-2. And she’s not going to make Top Cut. 

_So why do I always fail?_

She always does. She always does, she always _just_ misses Top Cut. Every. Damn. Time. She places tenth. _Tenth._ How? How, did she fall just short, by _one fifth_ of a percent in her Resistance? _What the fuck? What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough, not ever?_

And she’s not the only one who went 3-2. There are plenty of them, in fact. Two of them made Top Cut. She didn’t. And it hurts, it sucks. She tried her best, she played her entire damn heart out, and still. Not _enough._ So yeah, she’s disappointed in herself. She really is. But maybe, _maybe._ Maybe there’s a chance. Maybe if she can improve, improve just enough - she can keep fighting. She can get better. She can prep harder than anyone for Worlds. If _Alain_ isn’t there, maybe she stand a _chance-_

Try. _Try, Rin. You’ve come too far to stop trying now._ And in the end, she isn’t even sure if it’ll matter. If she isn’t good enough now, will she ever be? She needs a miracle. She needs _something._ But maybe, in the end, just her _trying_ will be enough. 

But damnit, in the end - it just _hurts_ to always be a failure. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 14th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Rin IDs her last round. She and her opponent agree - eight rounds are enough for one day, eight rounds are _plenty._ 8-0-1. She’ll take it. _She will so fucking take it._ And she’s proud, too. She’s undefeated. She’s actually undefeated. And Rin checks the standings, one more time. 

_Alain Viard. 6-2._ He can still make it. He can make it, if he just wins one more. Rin wishes he was on stream, just so she could watch. He’s not. But she’ll wait, she’ll wait for the next half hour or so. She’ll wait, as calmly as she can. And she waits, even though she knows she could just leave - other players are doing that, as their rounds wrap up. They go, after being at the venue for 10 hours. Rin… Rin doesn’t. She waits. Still. She doesn't usually wait for anyone, and she’s also not quite sure _why_ she can’t convince herself to just… leave. It’s not worth it, she wants to say. Alain won’t care. Why would he _care?_ But maybe it’s because _she_ cares. She cares, just enough, to hang around a little longer. To find out if maybe, just _maybe,_ he’ll be playing tomorrow with her-

And then he wins. He _wins._ It’s one hell of a set, it takes an entire 'nother _hour,_ but he wins. 

So Rin smiles. She stands, ten feet away, Switch tucked in her backpack, hands shoved in her pockets, and she smiles. Alain smiles. She sees his face light up, his opponent faceplant into an Eevee plushie - and she knows he’s won. The venue is quiet, so close to quiet. But she just stands, she smiles, he smiles. He signs his match slip, she turns, almost just to go-

“Rin.” But she stops, when he calls after her. She doesn’t want to admit that she always, _always_ will. “Did you…” He pauses. “Did you wait for me?” And she almost wants to lie. She almost wants to lie, saying her round went late. But he’d know. So she just turns, she shrugs, she nods. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.” And he smiles at her, she almost, _almost_ smiles right back at him. She catches the way his eyes light, the way he brushes his hair back, and the way that it just makes her _happy._ The smile is real. He’s smiled for real, twice today. She’s smiled, more times than she has in so, so long. What does that say about her? About… them? They’re friends, she can say - maybe? Huh. Friends. 

“You didn’t have to,” he says. Another pause. Another smile. “But thank you.” And his smile - the kind of smile that would have lit up any of her friend’s faces, three years ago - it makes her smile, too. She almost doesn’t want to. She almost doesn’t want to let him see her like this. But hell, it’s hard not to. Hard not to smile when he does. And maybe it’s okay for her to not fake it all around him, if he’s not fake around her. 

“Of course,” is then what she says. And then she turns, takes a deep breath. “I should go, though. Probably gonna get something to eat, and make sure the team is ready for tomorrow. I guess I’ll see you then?” It’s an offer, almost. Holding out her hand. _We’re friends, right?_ That’s what she says. Behind her, he shuffles, and looks up.

“I-” A pause. A deep breath. “You know what, let’s try this again.” She turns, slightly. He smiles, again, barely. “Do you… have dinner plans?” And for the second time, he asks. For the second time, Rin shakes her head. This time, she turns all the way back to face him. 

“No, not really.” Smiles back, because she knows what he means. 

And this time, she’ll say yes. 

_♢ ------- ...with the strength to rise. -------♢_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i completed nanowrimo but uhhh the fic isn't actually done oops


	5. stand and fight / under the lights on the high stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He just has to work harder. A little bit harder. And he loves the game, so… Why would it be a problem? Lysandre just wants him to win. _Win._ He can do that, of course he can. He likes to win. 
> 
> And Alain won’t realize, for weeks, months - how he ruined it all for himself. 

_♢ ------- Whoever told you, that you weren’t enough? -------♢_

_February 20th, 2018 - Lysandre Labs, Kalos Region_

Alain has always been good. He’s won a Regional, placed at last year’s Internats. Almost made Day 2, at Worlds. Worlds, 2017. He’s… he’s good, for somebody who hasn’t been playing for that long. He just likes the game. He has fun. He wants to be like Leon, like Red, someday. He’ll improve as time goes on, of course he will. But he’s good enough to catch people’s eye, for people to realize that this kid, who just moved into Masters - he’ll be a winner, someday. Or at least, he hopes. But…

“Viard, pay attention!” Right. Alain swallows, nods. He _hates_ when people use his last name, but here, that’s all people seem to do. And he’s too afraid to correct them, because they wouldn’t understand. Yet he focuses, he _pays attention_ . He watches the careful procedures that each scientist follows, that they perform, while Xerosic drones on and on about the effects, benefits, things that _he’s_ done so well. Alain’s used to it, at this point. Six months at Lysandre Labs, and he’s used to it. And he’s almost used to the way he works, the way everyone does - harder. Smarter. Faster. The corporation lives up to its reputation, as easily one of the best and most advanced groups in the world. And he’s learning, he really is. It makes his AP stacked schedule back at school seem like nothing but child’s play, and maybe it’s why half of his Biology class wants his help on every single assignment. He’s the smart one. He always has been. But here? Here, his brain gets him nowhere. Not when he’s 16, and the rest of them are college majors. Not when he doesn’t understand why, and _how,_ Lysandre could even think he’d belong here. But he tries. He learns. Damnit, he learns _so much._ He’s grateful, because for once, he actually does think he can succeed. But…

He can’t play. He doesn’t have time to play VGC, not anymore. And he misses it, a lot. He misses that one thing that brought him so much joy. And he hasn’t gone this long without competing in so, so long - because it’s been 7 months since Worlds. _Seven._ And _he missed Z4IC._ He missed the International Championships for his zone, and two Kalos Regionals. How is he… how is he supposed to qualify for Worlds, now? He doesn't want to miss it. He’s gone, every year, since he started. He wants to represent his region, he wants to finally make Day 2. But he can’t. Not like this. And that night, Alain isn’t back home until 1 AM. The rest of the clinic is dead silent, excluding Cosette, who keeps night watch on one of the patients whose name Alain can’t _seem_ to remember, at this late in the night. He’s small - a Pomeranian, or something. Reminds him of Mairin’s dog, Marisso. But Alain slips into his room, shuts the door quietly with a click. He does his last two hours of homework, and then checks the time. 3 AM. He has time. He has time, to pull out his 3DS, and play. A tiny bit. 

And in the end, it’s not just a little bit. He plays until 5 AM. It’s only two hours, but that also means he’s getting a grand total of _three_ hours of sleep. Yeah, he feels like shit the next day. But it’s Thursday. The weekend is coming. So is his one day off from Lysandre’s. And he’s happy, because of the game. He’s happy the next day, despite the fatigue. Despite the mistakes he makes in the lab, despite the way Xerosic yells when he messes up _again_ \- he still finds a way to smile. Because of the game. And he does his AP History during lunch period at school, that day. His Pre-Calc, while his Biology teacher rambles on about something Alain learned six months ago, under Lysandre’s eye. And it lets him go to bed an hour earlier. But he plays, he still plays. He’s still happy. Pokemon makes him happy. The question is…

How long will it really last? And how long, can one keep a secret?

_♢ ------- Who was it, who made you feel small? -------♢_

_August 14th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon Excel, Galar Region_

Alain doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He smiles, laughs, far too easily. It all happens, far too easily. He lets his guard slip, he lets the glass break. He’s himself, and he’s never... himself _._ Because he and _Alain Viard_ are two entirely different people. But for about half an hour, he’s him. He’s just… Alain, no strings attached. And maybe that’s the reason he smiles, the reason he’s able to forget, for just a moment, about the pressure weighing him down. About the momentum of a 6-0 winning streak, that could send him hurtling to the ground. But he does forget, he does smile, he laughs. Rin does, too. Just barely, not that he really expects anything more from her. And even if it’s impossible not to tell - not to tell that something’s on her mind, in the way she constantly shifts and constantly has to bring up tomorrow - he doesn’t let it get to him. He’s trying to forget. He’s trying to relax, for even just a little bit. He wants her to do the same, but he doesn’t know how to make her. He already tried that, yesterday. It backfired. 

“How are you feeling about tomorrow?” And he almost wishes she would stop bringing it up. He wants her to forget, for just a little bit. He knows _he_ could have used that, a year ago. But he just thinks, doesn’t even bother faking a smile, because he’s faked _enough_ for one day. 

“Okay,” he says. It’s vague, he knows it is. But that’s because he doesn’t know _how_ to feel. “I’m… I’m tired. I haven’t played this much since last year. There are 7 more rounds tomorrow. But at the same time, I finally found my stride, and that was… the greatest feeling in the world. I got it back. I won 6 rounds, you know that. It’s kinda nice to be back. And I’m hoping, _thinking_ \- I might actually do okay tomorrow?” And Rin’s face - it falls, it almost does. She rights it so quickly he barely even notices. She smiles. It’s probably fake. The clipped tone in her voice proves him right. 

“That’s great.” And part of it sounds real, it really does. But they’ve talked enough already for Alain to know that she’s sounded happier, she really has. So he waits, almost expectantly, for her to keep going. And he pretends not to be hurt when she doesn’t. 

“Yet you don’t actually think that, do you?” And maybe it’s a shot in the park - maybe he’s wrong, because he knows he’s wrong _a lot._ But then she bites her lip, pauses. Leans back in her chair, clicks her chopsticks together. 

“I can’t say that you’re wrong,” she finally says. He looks down. He’s not hurt. These things don’t hurt him anymore. Why did he expect her to say otherwise, anyways? He’s just… competition. “I want you to know that you’re not entirely right though, either.” He freezes, slightly. “I- I am happy. I’m happy for you. Thinking back to yesterday, I think I wanted you to succeed more than you did. Right?” He nods, slightly. “I wanted to see you clear today, I really did. But I’d also be lying if I said that I’m not just here to… _win._ That’s it. That’s the only reason. You saw some of that yesterday, I think. I want first. I lost my shot last year, I have the momentum and the reputation coming into this that I need. I’ll stay up until 1 AM tonight watching streams, if I have to. I want to be ready. I don’t want to have fun.” And maybe it’s the slightest trace of himself that he sees in her, maybe it’s something else. But slowly, things begin to come together. 

“You’re here to win?” She stares at him, and nods. As if _why shouldn’t she be?_ And yeah. Everyone who enters thinks it’ll be nice to _win._ But he breathes, steadily. Then he asks. “Is that… Well, is that just why you _play?”_ Rin, to her credit, doesn’t move. Doesn’t flinch, just blinks, stares, another fake smile. 

“Basically, yeah. I like winning. I think I’m just competitive, by nature.” And Alain knows it’s more than that. At least for him, it was _more_ than that. Then he’s falling, all he can think about is _him,_ what happened and how he turned into this absolute mess, but _damnit he swears he’s just her-_

“You okay?” It’s then he realizes the way his knuckles have gone white from clutching his phone, the way his breath comes far faster than it should. He nods, anyways. 

“Yeah. Fine.” Rin knows he’s not. He’s not even going to try anymore. “You’re… competitive. By nature.” She nods, when he doesn’t continue. He takes a deep breath, and tries to get his heart rate back to normal. He’s okay. It’s okay. “ _By nature._ Is that it?” She stares at him. He bites his lip. “Is that really _it,_ Rin? Or are you working it into yourself? Are you pushing yourself, harder and harder and _harder,_ because you don’t care if you crack or if you break because how _you_ feel doesn’t matter as long as you’re winning winning and _winning every damn match-_ ”

“Stop.” It’s ice. It’s nothing short of pure, cold ice, and it freezes him right to the core. His throat goes absolutely dry. “Breathe, Alain, my god. Just _breathe._ ” He does. He breathes, slowly, in and out. He doesn’t come anywhere _near_ bringing himself to look at her, and he knows he’s cracking. He knows he’s not even describing _her_ anymore. She knows, too. She’s not stupid. But he breathes. “I’m not-” She stops. She doesn’t continue, for a long moment. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can lie to you about this stuff, so… I’ll say it. _I don’t fucking know._ But I want to win, tomorrow. The day after. You-” Another breath. He can tell she’s checking herself, so that this won’t end up just the same as yesterday. “You understand that, right?” A question, this time. It hurts marginally less. She’s... trying. 

And, so… He can try, too. That’s what he does.

_♢ ------- I wished I could go back… -------♢_

_March 30th, 2018 - Lysandre Labs, Kalos Region_

“Give me one real reason for all the mistakes you’re making, Alain,” Lysandre says. Alain knows - he knows that he’s pissed, even if he hides it, layers his voice in coats of smoothness and charm. And he also knows that there’s one reason. He’s playing. He’s playing VGC, every night. And he’s barely sleeping. But damnit, he’d lasted a month and a half, why did he have to know _now-_

Alain breathes. He looks up, meets his boss in the eye, and keeps his face calm and straight. And he just lies. 

“I don’t have one.” Lysandre narrows his eyes, and Alain swallows, hard. “I-” He’ll speak, he’ll play his cards so, so carefully. It’ll be okay. “I’ve been busy in school, I’ve been busy at home. I haven’t been sleeping much. And I know I’ve been making mistakes. I understand that it’s not a reason, but it’s all I’ve got. It adds up. But I promise, I will get better, I can try _harder-”_

“You can say that, but you can’t promise anything,” Lysandre says smoothly. “Alain…” He narrows his eyes. Alain tightens his jaw, and tries to breathe, in and out. “What do you do, when you’re not working, and when you’re not at school? Do you have hobbies, or anything of the sort?” And for a moment, Alain thinks Lysandre must be on to him. He thinks that the smile he wears must be fake, that he’s just trying to trick him like he does all the time. But…

 _What can he do? What can he do, anyways?_ And he can only lie, about so many things in one day.

“I play video games, sometimes,” he starts slowly. Lysandre stares at him, silent. Alain looks down. “And I play them competitively. In events and stuff.” He almost expects Lysandre to be surprised, to ask him that that’s a _thing._ He’s ready to explain, because he’s had to, a million times. To the teachers who complained, about him missing class for tournaments. And yet, Lysandre doesn’t. 

“But how good are you?” He asks. Alain looks up. How… good is he? He’s all right. He’s decent. 

“I placed Top 16 in an International tournament last year, so… all right?” Actually, most people would say he’s better than _all right._ Especially for somebody who just entered Masters, and especially with people like Leon in the Zone 4 picture. Lysandre just nods, taps his fingers on his desk. Appears to be thinking, for a long moment, even if Alain doesn’t even believe he has anything to think about. He’ll tell him to stop. He’ll tell him to stop, focus on what actually _matters._ But then, then what does-

“Yet you can be better, can’t you?” Alain stiffens. _“You can be better, can’t you?”_ Well of course. Of course there’s always room for improvement. But as Lysandre looks him in the eye, he knows it’s not just a question. It’s a statement. _You aren’t good enough._

“Of course. Of course I can. I’m nowhere near good enough, not yet.” And yeah, Alain’s known. He’s known that he’s not the best, and he’s known that he can be better. But he’s never said it out loud. “But it’s hard to work in, with school and stuff-”

“I want to see you get better, Alain,” Lysandre interrupts. He crosses the room, pacing slightly. “I want to see you win. Can you do that?” And Alain doesn’t understand _why._ He doesn’t, as his eyes go slightly wider, as he shoves his hands in his pockets, running them over the back of his 3DS. But he nods. He nods, because all he knows is that Lysandre hasn’t even told him to _stop._ Why? What’s the benefit? What’s the… motive? But he nods, again. 

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll win, next time.” And he doesn’t know - he doesn’t know, how and when he’ll even find time to improve - but it’s the trade off. He gets to play, with Lysandre’s permission. He just has to work harder. A little bit harder. And he loves the game, so… Why would it be a problem? Lysandre just wants him to win. _Win._ He can do that, of course he can. He likes to win. 

And Alain won’t realize, for weeks, months - how he ruined it all for himself. 

_♢ ------- ...and rewind it all. -------♢_

_August 14th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon Excel, Galar Region_

“I understand,” Alain says. That’s not a lie. He does. Of course he does. Though, maybe a year ago, he would have understood that feeling - just wanting nothing, but to _win_ \- a little bit better. “I just-” He swallows, because it’s not like he _wants_ to say this. But it feels like he has to. “I don’t get why you _want_ to be me.” She freezes. He can tell, the moment she realizes that he knows, _exactly._ And he wants to point out that there is no appeal in being like _him._ Being him - well, frankly, it _sucks._ He hates himself. He hates almost everything about who he is. And he hates that she’s copying him, even more. But he waits, he waits for her excuse. Her _logic._ For a long moment, he thinks it won’t even come. 

“Because I idolized you, Alain. For years.” He freezes, then swallows. She doesn’t look at him. “I fucking _idolized_ you, do you realize that? You were everything I wanted to be. And then you… left. I’m sure you had your reasons, don’t get me wrong - but you _left._ Walked out. Didn’t come back. So I tried to think positive - you were gone. This was my shot. Kalos had an empty spot to fill, and I wanted to take it. And it was easy. It was so easy, to fit into the mold that you left. No, I didn’t just copy you - not exactly. I think we’re similar, by default. Or at least, the you that I thought I knew. But anyways. It was easy. I liked… I liked what people thought of me. Is that wrong? I don’t know. But it became easier and easier, until that was just… who I was. The me that I let everyone see. I… liked being that way. I know it sounds weird to you, but I did.” _No. No, it’s not weird,_ he wants to say. _I get it._ But he doesn’t, and he lets her keep going. 

“And I don’t know how you see yourself. I don’t see the person you wish you were, wish you _weren’t._ But you were strong, you were confident, you were the best of the best. People knew that. _You_ knew that. It’s admirable. Strength is admirable, so is courage. I wanted to be like that. I swore to, when-” She pauses. “When you passed me, back at Worlds last year. I know you don’t remember, because you shouldn’t - but I do. So yeah. I just… wanted to be like you. I wanted to be the best, the smartest, the strongest. I’m getting there. Even if I don’t win this year, I’ll be back, I’ll keep trying until I _win._ The competitiveness - that’s not just from copying you. That’s me, too. I’ve always been like this. So yeah. I’m here to win. I want to _win,_ and badly. I don’t want to fail, like I did last year. Like-” She stops, abruptly. Her voice drops, and then she says it. “Like you did.” 

And it hurts. It hurts _a lot._ It doesn’t help, knowing that she almost didn’t say it, and then she did. Alain knows she didn’t mean to hurt him, based on the way she nearly whispered, the way she doesn’t look at him when he tries to meet her eye. He just swallows, hard. Breathes. It’s okay. He’s okay. He’s always okay. And he doesn’t know what, exactly, compels him to say it - but he does. Maybe it’s just because… he thinks she deserves to know.

“It’s not worth it.” She freezes, and finally, he’s able to look her in the eye. He doesn’t care how shaken he looks, for once. If he’s broken, she’ll see it. He can’t do anything about that anymore. He just keeps going. “So can you take that from me, Rin? I tried, I really did. But you’re wrong. I wasn’t the best _._ And failing hit far harder than that shot at actually succeeding was even worth. It- It hurts the most, knowing that half of the reason you’re gonna break yourself, is because of _me._ ”

She looks down, immediately. Shuts her eyes, for the briefest second, breathing. Then she runs one hand through her hair, and looks back up. 

“I don’t make promises that I can’t keep, Alain.” He freezes. 

_“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Alain!”_ Fuck. Oh _fuck._

“Alain?” 

“I’m fine.” The words come so, so easily. So quickly. Another lie. “Keep going.” But he doesn’t want to think about it. Supposedly, he got over that months ago. A year. He needs to forget, because it shouldn’t _hurt_ when they already made up-

“Okay.” But maybe Rin knows - maybe Rin knows, that he keeps remembering things he really wishes he didn’t. That he needs her, to ground him in the present. To be his anchor. “I- Like I said. I’m not going to make a promise that I know I won’t be able to keep. I don’t want to do that. And I can’t promise you I can fix _me._ I’m like this. You can talk, all you want, and it’s not going to change. I want to win. You can’t-” Her voice cracks. “You can’t tell me what to do, how to live my life. I don’t want to be rude, but you _can’t._ I can try, I can try all I want. But I can’t swear, I can’t promise, that I’ll change, because I don’t even know if I _can-_ ”

“I know.” She stops. He folds his hands on the table, and takes another breath. “I know. I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t make you change _you._ And I really, really don’t want you to say you promise when you can’t even _promise._ But I just want you to know. I want you to take this, as a warning - _It’s not worth it._ The pain isn’t worth it. Because eventually, you’ll fail. And the higher you are, the harder it hits, the shittier you’re gonna feel the next day. The next month. The next-” His voice wavers, but he keeps going. “The next _year._ Okay?”

And Rin just stares, she waits. He looks down. 

“Okay,” she says finally. Alain just sits, hands clenched, trying to breathe in and out, slowly. Calmly. Because it’s _okay._ It’s going to be okay. He’s going to be okay. “I can try. That’s all I can offer you, but I’ll try.” That, in itself, is better. They’re getting better. He can’t force it into her head, he knows that. He isn’t even trying to. It just _hurts,_ and he wants the guilt of being her destruction… gone. Maybe it’s selfish. Maybe he cares about her, maybe he doesn’t, he doesn’t even _know._ But damnit, if even after everything he’s told her, that he’s told nobody else - if she still falls, if she still breaks the way he did - he knows it isn’t his fault. Even if in the future, he’ll find some way to blame himself, he can at least think that he _tried._

And inside, he tells himself - _It won’t work. You’ll blame yourself, anyways. You can’t justify anything, to the voice inside your head._ But he’s trying. He really is. He hopes that Rin knows that he’s _trying._

“Thank you.” 

_♢ ------- Replace it with words that are true. -------♢_

_April 28th, 2018 - WTC Events Center, Hoenn Region_

Alain doesn’t win. He practices, he tries harder and harder and harder. He flies to Hoenn, to compete in the Zone 2 International Championships. But he doesn’t win. He gets Top 8. And it is better - that’s what Sycamore says, when he calls him at 10 PM that night. _“You tried your best! And that’s a new record for you, right?”_ But _damnit,_ why does Alain feel so… disappointed? He wanted to win. He knew it was a longshot, considering he’d never even cleared Top 16 - but still. He could have done better. He forced himself to practice, every single night. For longer and longer time frames, until he could play for four hours without any hesitation, any mistakes. Any fatigue. He started pushing for five. And for a month, Alain practiced without end. He loses to Steven Stone, last year’s Champion, in Top 8. 

To be fair, Steven’s been playing for far longer than Alain as. He’s older, has more experience. And Alain’s team lacks coverage for such a hyper offensive Metagross set. But still. It sucks. It really sucks. He wishes he could have done better, because he knows he’s already pushing it with Lysandre - Top 8 isn’t going to be enough. Lysandre wants him to _win._ And Alain needs to prove that all the time, all the effort, he puts into this game - he needs to prove that it’s getting him places. Right now, it’s not. One round farther isn’t _places._ At least, not the type that Lysandre wants. The type that _Alain_ wants.

But Alain does try to sleep, by the time 2 AM rolls around. By the time he’s done analyzing, rewatching his entire stream twice over. He takes notes, writes down his every mistake. Writes down everything he could have stopped Steven from doing. Does it help? He doesn’t know. He does know that his brain nearly wants to shut down, after 12 hours of VGC. And he does know that he - that _Lysandre_ \- wouldn’t care. Then he checks his messages, updates regarding whatever’s going on back at the lab. Updates on the project he’s assigned to, regarding a whole shit ton of fancy stuff. It revolves vaguely around energy and radiation surgeries. It’s complicated. Alain doesn’t particularly want to think about it, either, but he has to. He has to be up to date, so that by the time he flies back tomorrow night, by the time he’s back to work in the morning - he’ll be ready. He’ll be helpful. He won’t get in the way, like Xerosic always seems to say he does. 

And then, on Finals Day - Alain can’t quite even bring himself to smile. He used to enjoy Finals Day, when he could just watch the stage, watch the matches. Relax a bit. He’s not relaxed. He’s not relaxed, as he takes notes on the set that a Senior named Platinum Berlitz uses, and as he leaves the moments the Masters finals are over. He’s tired. He’s not happy, not with his performance. Not when he knows he could have done better. Not when Lysandre will know he could have done better. 

And for the next two weeks, he does nothing but work harder and harder. He gets better at the game, and wins Anistar Regionals in a landslide, marking his best performance to date. He’s on the map now. And he works harder in the lab, too - even Xerosic notices. Alain’s the one who’s able to salvage everything when the experiment begins to go horribly wrong, because he thinks _fast._ Fast and smart. Maybe it comes from his VGC, maybe his VGC comes from his work - but it’s working. He’s getting better, in both fields. Lysandre lets him do more and more. His CP count is shooting up, and fast. He’s going to qualify for Worlds, if he’s willing to fly out to Unova for Z3IC in July. He can do it. Of course he can. 

And no - no, he’s not happy. He doesn’t really know anymore, what it’s like to be happy. He doesn’t understand how Mairin is, the way she is. But he’s getting better, in both fields. _“You have a future in this, Alain.”_ Lysandre can say one thing, and that’s all Alain needs. He’s getting there. He’s going to be good enough. And then…

And then, he fucks up. 

_“What happened to Marisso??”_ Mairin screams. She cries, Alain swears, again and again. The poor little dog doesn’t move, warm and still in his arms. Oddly warm. Not in a way that he should be. Alain’s not dumb enough to miss that there is no way this was _normal._ This is his best friend’s dog, who wandered into a room he never should have been allowed in. Because Alain was _stupid._ He’s always stupid. He can’t do anything for Mairin, for Marisso, for _anyone-_

“Alain? What’s going on here?” And he almost screams, swears at Lysandre. He wants to ask him, what reason he has for doing such dangerous things in this stupid lab. He can’t bring himself to. He can’t bring himself to do anything but pass Marisso onto another scientist, who takes him to the clinic. And he can’t do anything, except look down at Mairin, even if she doesn’t look at him, and promise. 

“I’ll save him. I swear I will.” 

And that, admittedly, is easily one of the biggest mistakes of Alain’s life.

_♢ ------- You have more than enough in you. -------♢_

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Alain breathes, focuses. Sits down, and plays _._ He has a winning streak to keep up, seven Swiss rounds to get through. He can’t expect to win - not more than a few times, and he can’t expect to clear. But he’ll try. Past-Alain would appreciate that, even if he’d then say that just _trying_ isn’t good enough. The only thing good enough would be winning. But Alain tries to forget, tries to ignore the voices in his head that have haunted him for so many years. He can do without them, for this once. He doesn’t need the constant reminder, to try harder. To play smarter. For once, he’ll try to do that on his own. 

And he wins his first round, in a tight but clear 2-0. It’s a good feeling. But he does know that the field is just going to get tougher, smaller. After two losses, most players will drop out. The higher he climbs in the standings, the tougher the opponents. That’s how Swiss works. And at this point, he knows that nearly every player in the room truly has the potential to _win._ That’s how tight it is, how competitive they are. Rin, X, Red - they’re here. They’re playing. They’re fighting, for one of the few spots in Top Cut, and for the chance to go all the way. Out of everybody left, Alain can’t help but think - _he wants it the least of all of them._

And yeah, he cares. Winning is nice. But even with his winning streak, his 7-2 - he doesn’t understand. In what universe, does _he_ make Top Cut? When does _he_ win the whole thing? Not against the best players in the entire world, who have practiced countless days and hours and nights, just for a shot. Not against the ex-Champions, the runner-ups, the newest hotshots. And not when he’s done nothing but hide, but sit in silence and then walk out, doing nothing more than two hours on weekends and with the audio of the Internats VGC stream through his headphones as he walks down the hall. He’s behind. He doesn’t try, not enough. And yet…

And yet, why does he keep _winning?_

2-0. His second round ends, in another 2-0. So does his third. And his fourth - 2-1, yeah. But he still wins. He keeps _winning._ It’s the stride he found yesterday, but it’s building and building. Getting stronger, as he gets back in the zone of the game he used to love. And by the time his fifth round rolls around, after he eats a quick lunch - Alain realizes, for just a moment - he stands a _chance._ He’s competing, with the best of them. He’s breathing, focusing, playing. But he’s also having fun. And maybe that’s why it all works - his decisions don’t come from stress, anxiety. Fear. They come from purely and solely, _what he thinks is best._

 _I think this will work. And if not, that’s okay. I’m not expecting to win again._ Every move, every turn, he thinks like that. It’s okay if he loses. There’s nobody to let down, this time. He’s just trying his best. His best is… this. It’s his 6-0, heading into his final round. 

And fifty minutes later, on stream - yeah, he does lose. He does. But past him - past him, that would have beat and torn himself up over the missed Protect in Game Three, the poor Bisharp switch in just a turn later - that him is gone. Because yeah, he lost. He ends his 12-0 winning streak, in the final round of Day 2 Swiss. And it really sucks. It hurts. Losing always does. But Alain, for once, can think brightly about the whole thing. _6-1. I went 6-1, on Day 2. How?_ It means he cleared. He actually _cleared._ He’s onto Top Cut, the most competitive bracket of the entire year. He’s said it once, he’ll say it again - but he doesn’t _understand_ how he’s gotten so far. How he seems to just get better and better, as the tournament goes on. Maybe it’s him, finding his stride again. Maybe it’s the hours upon hours he put in, last year and the year before. Maybe they’re catching up to him. It could be a whole lot of things that Alain doesn’t really know. But he knows that he’s winning, he cleared - and it’s one of the best feelings in the world. 

_♢ ------- You are more than enough, it’s true. -------♢_


	6. getaway right now / without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And she, actually, feels like she’s hit her peak, yet somehow keeps climbing. She can’t stop now. She needs that confidence she’s strived for, used to her advantage, copied and faked a million times over. She needs it. She needs to take it, run with it, and make it hers. And she can. She can. 

_♢ ------- Strength doesn’t come... -------♢_

_January 10th, 2020 - Lycée Richissime, Kalos Region_

The day before Dendemille Regionals, Rin is in Calculus, with her mind far from the problems on the whiteboard. It’s actually about a dozen miles away, in the town 3 hours over. Dendemille Town. And Regionals are tomorrow. Does Rin know what she’s going to play? No, she really doesn’t. It’s January, and while her season is going… all right. But it’s not what she needs - not if she wants to win Worlds this year. One look at her CP count confirms that her season isn’t going any better than last year - and last year wasn’t good enough. Top 32 is far from good enough. Rin wants to win, this time. And Dendemille Regionals is just what she needs - win, gain that momentum, and then rise. She just needs to pick a team. 

_Justified stuff is probably the easy way to go, but everyone’s been doing that,_ she begins to think. Terrakion especially, has been popular lately. _Cinderace is equally as boring, since Libero is broken. So is Urshifu. Even Rain teams sound boring, right now. I could try out that Lapras team somebody mentioned from a Zone 1 Regional, or…_

She takes a deep breath, and tries to think more logically. What has she played so far? What’s worked, and what hasn’t? There’s Trick Room, which kinda worked. She’s tempted to go Trick Room again, in that case. Even with Indeedee and Porygon2 gone, she can probably make Musharna work as a setter, and Dusclops is still around. Mudsdale still works as a sweeper, and so would Gigalith or Escavlier. It’s looking more and more like the Gen 5 Metagame every second. Admittedly, Trick Room was the best team she’s played all season - or at least, so far. It’s also the only one that she didn’t hate, back when she used it two Regionals ago. But it wasn’t good enough. Trick Room has _always_ been meta, and everybody knows to prep for it. What’s the point of playing it, if everyone has a counter? She needs to go bold. Unconventional. Do something, something new and unexpected. It’s Series 4. Where _everything_ is unexpected - the Isle of Armor, and more importantly, the bans. No Togekiss, no Dragapult. No Tyranitar-Excadrill, or Torkoal-Venusaur. The meta is entirely different. She can try anything she wants. She can try anything, including…

 _Oh._ Rin stares down at her Calculus notes. _Oh my god._ And then she turns the page, titles the page _“Dendemille 2020 - DIVA.”_ And immediately, she begins to write. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Rin, come the morning of Day 2, has never felt more ready. She’s going in, completely undefeated, and with a solid 8 hours of sleep, after she found herself completely unable to shake Alain’s words from her head. It pisses her off to no end, but there’s not much she can do about it - not when she suddenly realized that she cares. She doesn’t know why, but she does. And she realized last night, so easily - that the things he said to her, when he cracked - he wasn’t just talking about her. He was talking about himself. Past Alain. And mostly, all the things he wishes he hadn’t done. 

Maybe she shouldn’t admire him - the old him, at least. The courage, the strength, the winning. Not after what he said, not after he said it cost him. Maybe she shouldn’t be chasing after him, anyways. And maybe she should be trying to change. Perhaps she will, once the tournament is over. For next season. After she wins. But for now…

For now, she has seven Swiss rounds to get through. She has a Top 32 to clear. A personal record to break. And hopefully, a pass into the Finals tomorrow. _She really, really hopes._

So she takes the advice - the advice she’s gotten from other players, the things she remembers from past years. Don’t focus on the rounds ahead. Focus on the present. And don’t, _don’t_ \- don’t focus on that fact that this is where you fell last year. Just _play._

And that’s what she does, all of Day 2. She wins her first round, her second. Her third. Her _fourth._ And for a moment, Rin actually thinks - she thinks there’s a chance. She could go undefeated, all throughout Swiss. Both days. Then she loses her fifth round. It sucks, it really does. Goodbye, winning streak. But at the same time…

 _It’s just one battle, Yukino. Get it together. Just win one more._ And that’s what she tries to do, going into Round 6. Knowing that Alain’s 5-0, and that he’s doing better than her. That’s what she tries to do, after she loses Game One. And then…

She loses Game Two, too. Shit. 4-2. She’s not even gonna clear, at this rate. Rin swears, and runs her right hand through her hair. She signs the match slip with a blank face, and then heads off in silence. This is what happened last year. This is where she _failed-_

_Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it, Rin. One match at a time. Just win._

And, twenty minutes later, she calls the Dragapult switch in. Max Hailstorm, to reset the sandstorm. To take it out in one hit. Her Primarina still has two turns of Dynamax left, and her Togekiss is practically untouched. She’s got this. She just can’t mess up, not now. She can’t throw it. 

_Breathe, Rin. Breathe. Focus. Switch in Ferrothorn for Togekiss, Max Geyser into the Dusclops-_

And she wins. Five turns later, she wins. Give her another forty minutes, and…

She’s cleared Swiss. _I cleared Swiss._

_Oh fuck yeah._

That’s Top 16. That’s _Top Cut. I actually Top Cut._ She says a “good game,” then apologizes the way Gold did to her last year. She knows losing that final match really does suck. But then she runs off, to the stream. Just in time, she catches Alain’s Charizard drop to a Cinderace’s Max Darkness. The crowd erupts. Alain loses, his final round. But it’s okay. It’s okay, because there’s a 6-0 next to his name on stream. It’s 6-1, now. But all that matters is that he _cleared. Alain cleared._ And she’s not sure why - she’s not sure why she cares, so damn much.

On one hand, it’s because they’re friends. That’s why, right? They’re _basically_ friends, because they hang out, they talk. She laughs around him, on occasion. She doesn’t do that for… _anybody else._ It could also be the same reason she wanted him to win last year. For his reputation, because she believed him. Because she wanted to see him prove them all wrong. Now, she hopes he can prove that when he’s back, he’s really back, and that his break year hasn’t diminished his playing skill at all. She wants him to keep winning, to keep climbing, to _maybe even-_

_Wait._

Alain shakes his opponent’s hand, tucks his Switch back into its case. 

_When did I start thinking like this?_

He leaves the stage. Rin, automatically, finds herself walking to the backstage exit. 

_Why do I care? Why do I want_ him _to do well? I need him to fail. I need him to lose. I need him to lose, so I can_ win-

“Did you clear?” It’s the first thing he says, when he exits backstage. Rin leans back against a wall, and nods. 

“Yeah. Onto Top Cut we go, then.” He smiles at her, slightly. She looks down, quickly. 

_Idiot. You need to win. You need to be better, keep going, because you aren’t the_ best _yet-_

“Guess so. Do you know if you have to play Top 16 yet?” Rin blinks twice, and forces herself to breathe. Focus. She looks up, and shrugs. 

“Hopefully not. We’ll see, though.” Alain just nods, walks past her. Then he pauses, and looks back over his shoulder. 

“ ‘K well, I’m gonna run to the Starbucks two blocks down, and grab something to eat. You can come with, if you don’t need to play Top 16. You want me to wait with you for matches to go up?” Rin, to be honest, isn’t sure why he offers. What does it matter to her, to him? It doesn’t. It… shouldn’t. But she meets his eye, stares for a second. Thinks. Then she shrugs, walks past him, tossing her hair over her shoulder. 

“Either way.” And, for some reason, he follows her. He sits with her. Rin shouldn’t be happy. And for some reason, she is. 

_♢ ------- ...from what you can do. -------♢_

_January 11th, 2020 - Dendemille Exhibition Centre, Kalos Region_

Nine rounds. Nine rounds of Swiss, nine chances. Nine places to fail. Rin breathes in, and then exhales. She hits Confirm, and locks in her four for her first match of the day. It’s a mix of an old team she used on the ladder a few months ago, and what she scraped together last night. She’s barely even played with it. But if it works, if she’s able to get it together and fall into her rhythm fast enough, then…

Then, she can win. It’s that simple. The team has potential, she can see that. Yeah, it’s not perfect. Yeah, it’s better for best of one than best of three. But she’s good, isn’t she? Rin knows she’s smart, she thinks fast and focuses well. And she’s played Gardevoir enough to know that this might, actually, work. 

Her opponent leads Duraludon Braviary. Rin, on the other side, tosses out Gardevoir and Talonflame. Or rather, Zoroark disguised as Talonflame. Gardevoir Traces Braviary’s Defiant, and Rin swears. She wanted Stalwart. Duraludon’s Stalwart would have been _great,_ because then there would have been no redirection. But what’s even the point? RNG gives her what it wants to give her. She’ll just have to play better. And so, Rin does the one thing she practiced the night before. 

_Duraludon is the threat. Braviary isn’t a problem until it gets off an Airstream, and outspeeds Gardevoir. And the Fake Tears from Zoroark should guarantee the OHKO._

And she starts off Dendemille Regionals _exactly_ the way she wanted to. Dynamax Gardevoir. Max Starfall. She oneshots the Duraludon. Rin does, for a moment, worry that she should have taken out Braviary. But then it goes for Max Rockfall, into her Zoroark. _Zoroark._ And even as his Disguise breaks, even as the Sandstorm whips up - it lives on 9 HP. Fuck yeah. That’s exactly all she needs. 

Her opponent sends out Single Strike Urshifu. Rin has Talonflame in the back. She doubles into Braviary, with a Fake Tears and Max Starfall, and doesn’t even flinch when Urshifu’s Wicked Blow crits her Gardevoir. Braviary goes down to a crit as well, but unless it was Assault Vest, it doesn’t matter. Tentacruel comes out, and Rin admittedly has no clue what that thing is supposed to do, but it just Ice Beams her Zoroark and finally takes it out, not that she even minds. It’s a free switch into Talonflame to set up Tailwind, allowing her Gardevoir to outspeed Urshifu and hit Tentacruel with an Expanding Force. One more Dazzling Gleam, and it’s over. Rin wins, easily. Gardevoir sweeps her opponent’s _entire_ team. And a look across the table, as her opponent faceplants, as if he can’t believe he’s just lost to a girl with a _Gardevoir._ Then again, that’s exactly what’s happened. Rin smiles. 

She goes into Game Two, with her confidence three levels higher. And she wins. Again. 1-0, easily. The team isn’t perfect - the Trick Room matchup needs work, she could maybe try Imprison Gardevoir next time, but it’s not bad. Certainly not bad, for something she put together last minute just the day before. And Rin keeps playing, keeps _winning._ She focuses any and all attention on oneshotting the Dusclops and Porygon-Z, or switching and playing defensive to stall out a Trick Room. She gets better at it, too, as the game goes on. But her rounds go on, she keeps winning, she keeps getting better. She likes the team. It works, it pushes her to play more offensive. She likes this playstyle. And she wins, on stream, three rounds later. 5-0, after she calls another switch in, and takes out yet another Urshifu with Dazzling Gleam. The Urshifu are _everywhere,_ and Gardevoir is thriving. Her team is thriving. Rin decides she rather likes Series 4. 

And, three hours later, she’s cleared. 7-1-1. Somehow, she actually _cleared._ The team is working. Yeah, Trick Room is her weakness - her loss was to a hard Trick Room team, with a Shadow Tag Gothitelle that stopped her stalling and switching tactics completely. But she’s getting better at playing around it, for sure. And making Day 2, making Top 64, likely 32 - that’s better than she had hoped for, coming into the whole event. It was hard to expect more, when she’d made up a stupidly unconventional team on the train ride over, last night at 8 PM. When her season had been far from what she had hoped. Yeah, she was nearly qualified for Worlds. And yeah, that was nice and all. It was a good season, from most people’s standards. But, well…

_Things aren’t good enough for you, Rin. Nothing ever seems to be good enough._

There’s not much she can deny about it. But this - _this_ \- it’s pretty damn close. It’s pretty damn close, she knows, when she blazes through Day 2 Swiss. 3-2 is enough to clear her for Top Cut, and she can’t really help but smile after she wins her win-it-in on stream. She hates smiling on stream, but well…

She’s happy. Not much she can deny about that. She’s happy, because she’s having fun with the game, for the first time in a long while. She's found a playstyle that she likes - Rin already knows that she’ll be dropping Protect on a couple of her Pokemon come Worlds. She likes the aggressive playing, the offensive moves and bold predictions. She likes how it combines the recklessness she has in her actual life with the game she plays. She likes how it… fits her, fits with the team. And that’s what carries her into Top 8, on stream again. Another battle. Another shot. And Rin wants to keep climbing, higher and higher. Because for once, reaching the top seems real. 

And she can’t just give up now.

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Rin sits at Table 3, five minutes before her match is set to start. She’s okay. She’s ready. _You’re okay, Rin. Breathe._ She’s nervous. She’s really fucking nervous. This is the hardest bracket of her life, the highest she’s ever placed. Even if she…

 _Even if I lose, it’s the best I’ve ever done._ On one hand, that’s enough for her. She’s done well. Top 8 is good - beyond good. Top 8, in the _world._ She’s proud, she really is. But she looks across the table, at her opponent. Then back down at her Switch, as she enters in the code, and selects her team. Day 2, admittedly, has not gone how many expected it to. Red clears, of course he does - he’s Seed 2. But Moon isn’t even here. Rin isn’t sure why. Gladion Aether and Luna Kajiba, the big story from last year- neither of them Top Cuts. Though speaking of them, no. Rin does not think Gladion _let_ Luna win. She’s watched enough of his matches to know he probably wouldn’t do that, and admittedly, Luna’s username biases her immediately. They’re both Sailor Moon trash. Enough said. And from the second half of Luna’s stream that she caught, Rin has a feeling that neither of them were really aiming to win this year. She looked happy, even when she lost. Rin can admire that much. But Victor doesn’t Top Cut, and Hop just barely does. He plays, one table over, against Gloria. X is still in, too, which Rin finds near surprising. But he’s on the other side of the bracket, and Rin won’t face him unless she makes it to finals. Unless she…

_Unless I win, and Alain loses._

They’re gonna play, Rin knows that much, if they both win this round. But, well, logically - that isn’t the most likely. She knows that she’s good, but she also knows that she could be better. And she knows that Alain’s out of practice, or so he claims. In reality, he’s on fire. Blazing, hot blue fire. She’s pretty sure whoever his quarterfinal opponent is, won’t be able to stop him. But her? She doesn’t know. She really doesn’t know. But Rin plays - she accepts, that she can’t meet Alain in the Finals. She can’t even get there, if she can’t beat him tonight. If she can’t beat her current opponent, Silver, in a match her brain is really too tired to try and handle right now. But she’ll play her best, she won’t think about it. She doesn’t want to lose. Inside, Rin has an inkling that this may be the closest she’ll ever get to being the best. She’s been on fire all season, even if she fell short at the one event that really mattered. Even if she fell just short of a Day 2 invite. But at the same time, well…

Rin’s come a long way. She’s grown, as a player. She’s gotten a lot better. And she, actually, feels like she’s hit her peak, yet somehow keeps climbing. She can’t stop now. She needs that confidence she’s strived for, used to her advantage, copied and faked a million times over. She needs it. She needs to take it, run with it, and make it hers. And she can. She can. 

_I can,_ Rin knows. And that’s exactly what runs through her head, her brain, what keeps her focus on the game and her eyes on the match and set in front of her. That’s what runs through her, when her Dynamax Primarina finishes off Game One with one final Max Geyser. And that’s what runs through her head, when she G-Maxes Cinderace first turn of Game Two. As Ferrothorn switches into a resisted Duraludon Flash Cannon, as Togekiss Helping Hand boosts her Cinderace five turns later to pick up another KO. And then, she realizes that it’s… over?

Silver’s Dragapult faints to one final Dazzling Gleam from Togekiss. It disappears in a flash of blue light, her League card appears on the left of the screen, with the word _WIN_ underneath-

 _Holy shit._ She actually won. She won Top 8. She… won Top 8? How did she win Top 8?

_You ran with it, Rin. You played the best you could. You thought on your feet, you focused on just playing the game you wanted to play. You ran with the confidence you wanted. You didn’t doubt, you didn’t hesitate. And it worked._

_And it was fucking magical._

Rin stares, for a long second. Then, she lowers her hands away from her Switch, looks down at her notebook and her mid game scribbles on Silver’s team, movesets, items. Possible calcs and IVs. And somehow, before she even looks across the table - she turns, looks, two tables down. Alain catches her eye, hands on his joycons and earbuds still in, as his opponent writes something down furiously and then frantically presses a set of buttons to avoid timing out. Then Alain smiles at her, blue eyes twinkling. Rin smiles back. And that’s, exactly, when she knows. She’s found her last match of the night. Maybe, the last of the year. 

And somehow, she’s never been happier to be playing their game.

_♢ ------- It comes from overcoming...-------♢_

_January 12th, 2020 - Dendemille Exhibition Centre, Kalos Region_

Rin places Top 8 at the Dendemille Regionals, 2020. Mostly, she blames it on her first round of Top Cut being against a Trick Room team, and even she just couldn’t quite stop them. And yeah, she’s frustrated. She could have played better, taken those predictions, chances to Tailwind or Dazzling Gleam. She should have prepped a better Trick Room counter. But at the same time, it’s been a long weekend. A long day. She tried her best. She places, the best she has all season, and also secured her World’s invite, even if it’s only January. 

And yeah, it wasn’t a perfect game, by any means. She lost. She _lost._ She lost, when she really, really wishes she could have worn. She’s competitive, and always has been. That’s not changing. But Rin can at least think that she just Top Cut a Regionals with _Gardevoir Zoroark._ If nothing else, she wants to think that says something about her. Her playing skill. The improvement, that formerly, had seemed to have just… flatlined. Not anymore. Not anymore, because she’s climbing. This - Regionals - this is just the start, right? 

And two months later, she’s proven right. Top 4, Coumarine Regionals. A trip to Galar, for Hammerlocke Regionals, which she also Top Cuts, and then for a Midseason Showdown in Stow-On-Side just a couple weeks later. She travels all over Zone 4, and she gets better. She keeps winning. And that’s when Rin realizes she’s done it. She’s made 2020 her season. Even her failure at Internats - she’s not going to let it get to her. Last year, _Alain_ didn’t let his Internats setback get to him, either. He placed 3rd. And holy shit, Rin wants to place 3rd, too. She wants to do even better, and she wants to win. And she’ll try. She’ll push for it, even if she knows it’s a long shot. 

Because for every player like her, for every one of them on a streak, riding on a season filled with the best matches and wins of their lives - there’s a dozen more. But damn, she can at least try. She always does. She won’t fall, like she did last year. She won’t fall, when she should have risen. And Worlds is dangerous, it is. Because she could fail. That could hurt, and that alone could rip her apart from the inside. But Rin doesn’t stop, because she’s afraid. She’s not afraid. Even if she was, it wouldn’t matter. She’ll take the fire she’s got, and then she’ll burn brighter. She’ll rise higher. And she’ll be better, than he ever was. She swears on it. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

“Players, your VGC Masters Division pairings are now up! I repeat - the VGC Masters Division pairings are up!” Rin bites her lip with a slight smile, and turns to her left. Alain is staring ahead, lost in thought. She waits for a moment, and then he turns to her. And he smiles, ever so slightly, back. 

“Well, uh…” He runs one hand back through his hair, almost nervously. Rin sees the tension on the corners of his smile, and she takes a deep breath. Smiles, a little bit wider. Then she places her hand on top of his, looks down for a second, and then back up. 

“It’s okay,” she says. He stares at her. “It’s okay.” A little more firmly, this time. And not just to convince him. “No hard feelings, whoever wins, right?” He nods, even if stiffly. Rin wishes she knew what, exactly, is running through his brain. What causes that look of clouded near-doubt, the way he grips her hand a little tighter, and then pulls his away, clenching them together in his lap. She doesn’t. And she doesn’t expect him to explain, nor is she going to make him. 

“Of course.” But even as he says it, nothing changes. For a long moment, he still doesn’t look at her. “I just-” He takes a deep breath, and then looks up, across the room. Blinks once. “I don’t want to knock you out, you know. I’d let you win, I’d forfeit, I’d _drop,_ if I could.” Rin looks down. There’s no rule against dropping. Not really. But damnit, she gets it. Alain swore to never drop again. Even if he did, she doesn’t want to know what a second one would do to his reputation. She just nods, because he’s doing exactly what he has to do. She’s surprised, more than anything, that he’d do that. Why? Didn’t he want to win? Why wouldn’t he? And why does she… matter? 

“I get it,” is what she says, though. She really only gets half of it. “But I want to be the best, I want to win. I have to do it fairly, you know?” He nods. Still doesn’t look at her. Why? “And it’s Top 4. I’m proud to have come this far. Really, really proud.” And that’s true, it really is. She’s proud. But she wants to keep going, keep pushing. Because Rin knows that her chances of ever getting this high again are next to none. This is her shot. And if she beats Alain, well…

Well, isn’t that the perfect ending to a fairytale? She idolized him, she copied him. She got better and better and better. Then, when it mattered the most, she finally beat him. But Rin knows real life doesn’t work like that. It’s not a fairytale, it’s not some story. It’s real. She knows, that for all the cards and stars that align, she could still fail. She doesn’t want to. But in the end, is there anything she can do, but play her best? Knowing that Alain is going to do the exact same? 

No, not really. There isn’t. That’s all she can do, all she can count on. She doesn’t want to beat Alain, when he’s at his worst. She wants to play the real him. Only he can give that to her. 

“I don’t want to lose again,” Alain says finally, breaking their silence. He shifts slightly, and clenches his hands together in his lap. Rin watches him. “I don’t-” Another pause. Another breath. “You know the feeling. You probably had it, back in Round 7. This is where I failed, last year. I don’t want to fail again. And I know I’m not… I’m not the me I was last time around, and I’m not the me that you admired. But inside, I still have it, I guess. Gotta win. Gotta get better, get smarter. And it scares me, thinking that I could fail in the same place again. I’m tired of being… third place. Just not quite good enough.” Rin just nods. She gets it, sorta. Alain keeps going. “I don’t really know why I’m saying all this shit, but I guess maybe you should know. I know you’ve worked hard, I know you want to win. I wish I could bring myself to let you, because I know you’ve practiced so, so much harder for this than me. I feel guilty, even being here. Because I know I shouldn’t be, I don’t _deserve_ to, no matter what they say. But not trying? Not trying, my goddamn best in every match I play? I don’t know how to do that. It’s not… in me. Giving up isn’t in me.” And Rin wants to ask. She wants to ask, right then, why he dropped. Why he forfeited Internats. Rin opens her mouth, even, words on the edge of her tongue. Then she stops. She breathes, takes a step back. She doesn’t need to know, not now. He’ll tell her, if he wants to. They’re friends, right? 

_Yeah. You’re friends. He wouldn’t be saying all this shit if you weren’t “friends.”_

“It’s okay,” she says. Oh. Well, is it? She wants to win. She wants to win, really badly. She always will. She feels bad, knowing that _“okay”_ isn’t the whole truth. Not when he just said what he did. But she doesn’t have the words. She doesn’t know how, or what, to say. “I get it, Alain. You know I do. Losing isn’t…” She laughs, even if a bit strained. It brings the slightest smile to his face. She doesn’t laugh, all that often. “We don’t do _“losing,”_ do we?” Alain smiles, a little wider. 

“Not really,” he says, sitting up straight. Finally, he leans over the table, and looks at her. Rin almost looks away, instinctively, but she doesn’t. She runs one hand through her hair, and takes another breath. 

“Yeah. So it’s okay. We’ll just play our best, we’ll have a good set. I can’t really ask for more than that right now.” Alain nods. Rin stands up, and holds her hand out. “You ready, for one more round?” And he hesitates. She sees it, flash across his face. She sees it, in the way he doesn’t move for one long moment. And then he takes it. 

“Ready.” Rin smiles. She’s ready, too. And she wants to play one more time. 

_♢ ------- ...the things you once...-------♢_

Rin enters on one side of the VGC stream, and Alain on the other. She breathes, in and out, steadily and slowly. It’s okay. It’s _okay._ The crowd roars, but that’s probably just because it’s the last match of the night. Or because Alain exists. He’s kinda big fucking deal. But Rin lets the MC announce her, announce them both. Rin Yukino. Alain Viard. Is she ready? She’s ready. She’s as ready as she can be. And she’s going to play her best. 

“Good luck,” she says into her headset, as she slips it over her head. Across the table, Alain smiles. 

“Good luck have fun,” he replies, as he clicks his pen on the table. That makes her smile. They talked about it, the night before - how she doesn’t play to have fun. How he, for the longest time, was the same. But they say the phrase, anyways, because it’s a joke. It’s fun. All the older players do it, too. 

“You too,” she says. She writes his name at the top of her notebook page. “And I’ll try.” That’s a promise. Rin hopes Alain knows - she’s making a promise. She’s going to have fun, for once. She’s going to try and remember, why she started this game. Why she plays. Why she _tries._ And she hopes that he, on the other side, can do the same, even if she loses because of it. Because they can’t both get what they want. And she just wants one of them, in the end, to be the slightest trace of happy.

 _1138 0000._ So Rin sets her Link Code, and looks across the table one more time. Alain looks up, too, and her screen reads partner found just a moment later. She takes another deep breath. Then Rin chooses her team, switches her music to the Battle Tower theme. Alain plays on Eternatus 2, she knows that. For a moment, she hesitates. Then she switches it, seven slides over, to the same track. She’s not sure why, but she does. Then she hits Confirm, and they’re into Team Preview. 

Togekiss, Cinderace, Alolan Ninetales. Incineroar, Ferrothorn, Primarina. Her team. She’s played it all weekend, and it _works._

Charizard, Tyranitar, Bisharp. Dusclops, Torkoal, Venusaur. And Alain’s. She memorized it, back when they first talked about it, in line on that first day. Team Preview is just a reminder, and a sign. This is it. She’s here. She’s in Top 4, against Alain Viard, and she just has to try.

And Alain’s team is Sun based, Rin knows. Because of that, Alolan Ninetales is an easy pick to save in the back. She needs the Hail up as often as possible. 

_One._

He’s also got Charizard, and she knows that while Venusaur is one hell of a threat, Alain plays favorites. Admittedly, everyone does. She knows that even if he leads the way she thinks he will, Charizard is coming. It always is. She needs Primarina, too. 

_Two._

She risks a glance across the table, _again._ She needs to stop staring at him. But she notices the way he scribbles in his notebook, presses a couple more buttons. He’s still thinking, too. Okay. Togekiss is generally good, but she already has two Fairies, who both aren’t liking the idea of STAB Iron Head. So, in that case…

_Three._

She picks Incineroar as a lead, to Intimidate the Bisharp and possibly Tyranitar. And then she just needs a fourth. That’s Cinderace. She needs backup, in case Primarina goes down. And nobody likes a Life Orb boosted G-Max Fireball. So…

_Four._

Confirm. Rin hits A, she hits Confirm. Alain does, too, just a second later. The battle loads. And then there’s her League Card on the left, his on the right - and then battle begins. 

Incineroar Cinderace, on Rin’s end. And…

 _Tyranitar Bisharp._ Okay. Okay, she can take that. Actually, she’ll _really_ take that. Incineroar lands an Intimidate on both of Alain’s Pokemon, lowering their Attack by one. That’s good, already, but she can definitely expect a switch-in, maybe even a double. She knows Alain has a Weakness Policy on his Tyranitar, though. He could even Dynamax, first turn. She doesn’t want to lose Cinderace this early on. But who’s in the back? Charizard, because he’s biased. Because he loves Charizard. And probably Torkoal, for the sun. Especially since it’s G-Max Charizard, who sacrifices its ability to set its own weather for the swirling fire chip damage. So in that case, well…

Incineroar uses Fake Out into Tyranitar. Bisharp and Cinderace both switch out. Then Torkoal comes in on Alain’s side, and on hers, she picks Primarina. That’s exactly what she wants. That’s _perfect._ And a couple turns later, after careful switches and Protects - Ninetales Primarina, on her side. Torkoal Charizard, on Alain’s. She’s not even surprised. She’s got her mode out, and he’s got his. They both Dynamax, same turn. 

Max Airstream. Alain hits her Primaria with a Max Airstream, which yeah, sucks. It’s the best Max move in a game for a reason, with those stupid Speed boosts. But Primarina’s holding an AV - Assault Vest. She’s also fully invested in Sp. Def. It does… maybe 25%? Probably more like 27%. Yeah, that sounds about right. It matches Rin’s calcs. Then she fires back, with a Max Hailstorm. She actually almost went for Geyser, just for the insane damage. It would have done over 50% - probably closer to 75%, even. Easy 2HKO. But she can’t be reckless. She needs the Hail, she needs to get rid of Torkoal’s Sun. 

Next turn, Charizard outspeeds Ninetales, since it’s at +1. Annoying, yeah. But once again, Charizard can’t set its own weather. They’re playing in Hail, unless Alain switches Torkoal out and then back in. He doesn’t. Rin isn’t quite sure what he’s up to, but she’ll take it. Aurora Veil goes up, and then Max Geyser hits Torkoal. Easy OHKO. The Charizard isn’t doing much, considering it doesn’t carry Max Overgrowth or Lightning. Plus, now that Aurora Veil is up, Ninetales isn’t really doing much. It can go down. That’s okay with her. Next turn, their last turn of Dynamax, it does fall. But Charizard takes massive damage, and Tyranitar hits her Primarina for even more chip damage. She’s at 40% now, but it’s okay. Then Incineroar’s in, Parting Shots into Cinderace a turn later - and then, somehow, it’s over. Three turns later, it’s over. Rin… wins.

“Shit.” She hears Alain swear into his headset, and she laughs as it echoes through her headphones. She sits back in her chair, and he scribbles something in his notebook, pushing his hand through his hair. 

“Sorry,” she says. She kinda means it. Kinda. On the inside, she’s on fire. She took Game One. _She took Game One._ She only needs to win, one more time. Then she’s into the Finals. Holy shit. 

“It’s fine,” he says. “I could’ve played better.” His voice is a little bit strained, but Rin attributes that to exhaustion. She nods. 

“Yeah, and I definitely could have, too. I don’t think anyone’s playing their best Pokemon, going into Top 4. It’s been 12 fucking hours.” He chuckles, even if nervously, as he clenches his hands together on the top of the table. 

“Fair.” Then he reaches forwards, and presses what Rin can assume is the rematch button on his Switch. _Play with the same rules._ And Rin does the same. “Well, time to go again. You ready?” He asks. Rin looks up at him, and then back at her Switch. She smiles, and nods. 

“I’m ready,” she replies. The battle music rushes through her headset, and she tightens her grip on her joycons. Togekiss Ninetales, this time. Venusaur Torkoal, on Alain’s end. Game Two. Game Two, _here we come._

_Let’s go,_ she wants to say. _Let’s go, let’s play, and let’s win. Just one more time._

And she’s going to try, her very best. Because Alain’s doing the same, and this match is all that she wanted from the Pokemon World Championships. 

_♢ ------- ...thought you couldn’t.-------♢_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're not ready for what comes next, i promise you


	7. you can break down / let your worst our / lose your temper, but you're not losing me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time, Alain looks across the table. For a moment, he stops thinking, and just watches. Rin locks in her team. Then he smiles, and chooses his lead, his two in the back. This year, he’s going to try again, and maybe he’ll finally fly.
> 
> _Game on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna say i'm sorry but like idk if i even am so yeah just take this haha have funnn

_♢ ------- I know you’re choking… -------♢_

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

Rin takes Game One off him, and Alain swears into his headset. It makes her laugh, and he fights a smile. Then they’re in Team Preview for Game Two, just a moment later. It’s okay. He’s okay. He’s going to be okay. At least, he’s trying.

 _She played well, last time,_ he admits easily. She outplayed him, by… a lot. _Will she lead the same thing?_ He questions, biting his lip. _But Rin’s the type to change things up Game Two, whenever she’s ahead. She has more than one game plan, because she always does. Maybe..._

Alain swears to himself, and reads through his half finished note page again and again. He knows the pressure is getting to him, and he knows he’s playing far from his best. It’s 8 PM, they’ve been at this game for 12 hours. And he despite that for all the confidence he had, all the confidence he faked - he’s really not made of steel. He gets scared, sometimes. They all do. There was a reason, he didn’t bring anything to eat on Day 1 of Words. Because he used to, not back when he actually played. Because he was always. too nervous to eat anything, anyways. It’s not all that different, right now. And he remembers from last year. 

Top 4 is, quite frankly, the hardest match in the world. Yeah, he’s never made it to the Finals - but _fuck_ the Finals. Top 4 is hell. It’s after the longest day of your life, after 12 hours of consistent VGC, against the top players in the world. It’s not like other sports, where there’s the set group that’s always the best. At Worlds, anything can happen. Anyone who’s _qualified_ could win, really. So there are no easy matches. There’s not a single moment to breathe, to take it easy. You’re playing and thinking at your best, all day. It’s rough. And then, that evening - you play the biggest match of your life. Top 4. A chance to pass to tomorrow’s finals. You haven’t prepped, because there’s no time. You just play. Blind. And you take that leap, you shut your eyes - and you either fly, or your fall. Last year, it was the latter. And this time…

This time, Alain looks across the table. For a moment, he stops thinking, and just watches. Rin locks in her team. Then he smiles, and chooses his lead, his two in the back. This year, he’s going to try again, and maybe he’ll finally fly.

_Game on._

On his side, he sends out Venusaur and Torkoal. Rin chooses Ninetales and Togekiss, and since Torkoal is slower, the Sun goes up. Chlorophyll on Venusaur activates, and Alain almost Gigantimaxes, immediately. He could. But Rin could Dynamax Togekiss, fire back with a Max Airstream. He’d be stupid to take that risk. Instead… 

Instead, Alain switches Venusaur out for Dusclops, and Protects Torkoal. Rin reads the switch, at least, and doesn’t Dynamax, but the turn ends without an advantage on either side. Trick Room goes up, one turn later, as Torkoal fires off two Eruptions in a row. Rin switches out, switches back in. Her Incineroar comes in, the Ninetales goes on. She keeps switching, Protecting, stalling. Alain swears to himself, and tries to focus. Trick Room ends. She takes out Torkoal. Then again, that’s her mistake. He’s got a free switch in. Venusaur and Bisharp are his last two - he can’t always pick Charizard, even if he loves it. Rin called it, last time. He can’t afford mistakes like that, on this high of a stage. 

And while Rin Gigantimaxes her Cinderace, Alain just smiles. He knows she expected a G-Max Venusaur. Instead, he lands into it with a Sleep Powder, while Protecting Bisharp. Next turn, he knows she’ll expect the same. So what if…

What if he does the exact opposite? It’s all full HP, and Venusaur isn’t. Maybe… 

_Just do it, Alain._ And for the hell of it, he hits Dynamax. He Dynamaxes Bisharp. Max Steelspike takes out Togekiss, and Cinderace remains fast asleep. Rin sends out Incineroar, and Alain hits Max Knuckle. It’s Brick Break based, and not the best, but it’s damage. It’s super effective. And even as Cinderace wakes up, even as Bisharp falls to his Focus Sash - Alain, slowly, pulls ahead. One more Max Knuckle, and Cinderace faces a 2v1. Rin tries, she really does. But she can’t pull herself out of it, and she can’t come back. Alain takes Game Two, with only a 1 HP Bisharp left standing. And that…

_Game Three, Alain. You made it to Game Three. You’ve got this._

Holy shit. 

“Good game,” Rin says. Alain smiles, nods. 

“You too,” he says. _Play with the same rules,_ is what he selects. Game Three. _Game three._

And does he think he’ll win? Not really, no. There’s a chance that he really, really won’t. Rin’s good. She’s learning. She’s got far more team info, far more notes - than he does. That can make all the difference. But damnit, he’s close. He’s closer than he was last year. He’s… 

_Closer than I was last year?_ Maybe that’s why, even before the final game, Alain almost cries. He hates to cry, he really does. But he’s actually doing it. He’s matching Rin Yukino, he’s climbing higher. Even if just by a single game, he’s done better than last year. Somehow. 

“Ready for one more?” He asks. And across the table, she smiles back, and she nods. 

“I’m ready.” 

And is he - is Alain _ready?_ He doesn’t know. He’s not ready, to lose like he did last year. But he sure as hell is ready to try and make sure that never happens again. He’ll play his best, just like she does. And he can try, for one last time. He owes-

_Breathe._

Well, he owes everyone, really.

_Leave Venusaur. Lead Torkoal._

Because they supported him. They believed that he could, even when he didn’t think so himself. 

_Charizard. I want Charizard._

And it used to hurt, even. It used to hurt, knowing that everyone told you that yeah, you could do it. You would be big, one day. Because you thought you couldn’t be, you thought you couldn’t. 

_And Bisharp. Bisharp, in the front. With Torkoal._

But then Alain learned - he learned, even if too late. The people who love you, they don’t love you because you placed. Because you went 7-0. Because… _because you made Finals._

_And Tyranitar. Tyranitar with Charizard, in the back. That’s it._

They love you for you. They love you, because you care. You try. You believe, and then, on top of it all, you love back. You try your very goddamned best. And even when you fail, even when you fall just short, even when you _drop_ \- they love you. And so Alain breathes, hovers his finger above the A button. Torkoal Bisharp. Tyranitar Charizard. One two, three four. Is this… 

Is this really it? Final round of the day. He’s far from ready, but he knows he’ll never be. You never _feel_ truly ready. There’s always work to be done. But…

_You’re ready, Alain. You’re ready. Ready as you can be._

So he presses A, and he knows. He knows he owes them all so much. He owes them all everything. And mostly, most of all-

He owes Lance, to make Finals, _one more time._ And this time, for real - _Alain will play._

_♢ ------- ...on your fears. -------♢_

One last time, his League Card slides past hers. _Alain_ , #13. His real name, for once. Not his VGC handle from a year ago, and not the fake names he used on the ladder. It’s him, just him. Without his armor. And across the screen… _SailorEris,_ #2. That’s Rin’s username. It’s from a show, he wants to say, not that he really knows. Mairin might, and he’ll ask her when he gets home. But he does know that Eris - Eris is the goddess of chaos. Of strife. It’s ironic, because that’s not the kind of light she shines on him. But it suits her, it really does. It’s pretty. And he’d be… 

He swallows, and looks across the table, then back down. He’d by lying, if he said she wasn’t, too. She’s really, really pretty.

And then the battle’s begun, and Alain stops thinking about her. At least, not like that. And Rin’s avatar sends two Pokeballs spiraling forwards. 

Togekiss Ninetales. On his side, Bisharp Torkoal. And there’s just one. More. Match.

_Bisharp into Charizard. Protect Torkoal, hold the sun. Expect a Ninetales switch into Primarina, probably, to set Rain or Hail. Togekiss will stay._

And somehow, he calls the turn just right. He smiles, as Charizard and Primarina come in. Togekiss fires off a Dazzling Gleam for some chip damage, and Torkoal Protects. And then he’s just playing, the way he knows how. 

_Gigantimax._ G-Max Wildfire, Solar Power boosted. It OHKOs Togekiss, after it Follow Me’s. Oh _hell yeah._ Primarina fires back with Max Geyser, but under the Sun, it only does 60%. Charizard lives. And after the Wildfire damage, he’s-

 _Primarina’s in KO range._ But he needs to breathe, needs to take a step back. Max Airstream into Primarina. That’s obvious, the easy route. He can’t do that. Rin will do something, won’t she? Ninetales comes out, changing the Rain into Hail. It’s for the Aurora Veil, he knows. But maybe… Maybe he doesn’t go after Primarina. It’s likely it’ll Protect, right? Rin won’t let it go down that easily. Instead, G-Max Wildfire, into Ninetales. Then an Eruption from Torkoal, to follow up. That should take it out. The clock runs down. And then, suddenly, Rin laughs. 

_Fuck._

There’s no Protect. _There’s no Protect._ Instead, it’s a Aurora Veil from the Ninetales. A Max Geyser into Torkoal. _Shit._ And that’s it for Sun, the entire game. He’s so _screwed-_

“Sorry,” Rin says. Alain swears, again, and runs his hands back through his hair. He’s stupid. It’s _Assault Vest._ He’s so fucking stupid sometimes. But it’s okay. It’s okay, he can get it together. It’s not his fault that Day 2 runs so fucking late. He just writes **_AV,_ ** in big, bold letters, next to Primarina’s name in his notebook. It’s _okay._ Ninetales takes the Wildfire, and then faints to the residual damage. But _damnit,_ that sucks. 

“It’s fine.” It’s kind of a lie. It’s frustrating, to miss a call like that. But hey. Rin’s playing her best, he’s playing his. If she outplays him, that’s just how it was meant to be. He’s not going to get angry at her, for playing her game. So he just focuses, and moves into the next turn. Then the next. And then the next. And he makes a few good calls, misses just as many. He makes mistakes, and focuses on breathing, after each one. 

_It’s okay,_ he’ll say, time and time again. When he gets a call right, he’ll laugh as Rin swears into the headset, and then she’ll laugh back. And yeah, it’s hard. It’s hard to have fun, during the hardest match of your life. The one that the whole year, even the years before it - might all lead to. But Alain tries. Rin tries. And as he plays, as Rin sends in her Ferrothorn, her final Pokemon. Because he’s finding it, all over again. For real, this time. He’s finding why he really loves this game.

40% Primarina, 100% Ferrothorn. 30% Bisharp, 30% Charizard. It’s tight, it really is. And for a moment, Alain really doesn’t see a way to win. There’s nothing he can do, to stop Primarina from Hyper Voicing, and taking out his Charizard. And Bisharp can’t 2v1. But he still thinks, still sits there, still checks his moves, reading their descriptions time and time again as if he didn’t memorize their base powers long ago. Trying to find, if there’s some way to double into it and stop her, _somehow-_

 _Oh_.

“Holy shit,” he breathes. Rin snaps her head up, from across the table, jaw tight but smile slightly amused. “I- Nothing. Nevermind. Ignore me.” She laughs, for real. 

“Sure, go off.” But she’s already locked in her moves. And Alain, ever so carefully, scrolls through the list one more time. _Oh my god. Oh my god, I have-_

He makes his choice. And now, even if just _now,_ he really, really needs to be _right._

And Charizard moves first. He goes for a Heat Wave, for a little bit of chip onto Primarina, and huge damage on Ferrothorn. Then Alain’s holding his breath, doesn’t move. And then, slowly - Bisharp finally moves.

_Bisharp used Throat Chop!_

_“Fuck you.”_ He bursts out laughing, and then Rin does too, as Bisharp lunges forward and slices Primarina across the throat. It does little to no damage, but Rin tells him all he needs to know. She groans, falls backwards into her chair. And she went for Hyper Voice. He made the call. And…

_The effects of Throat Chop prevent the opposing Primarina from using certain moves!_

“Oh my god, _I hate you.”_ And she’s laughing, as she buries her face in her hands and mutters something in a language he doesn’t even know.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, through his laughter and stupid grin. And that isn’t a lie. Losing in Top 4 _sucks,_ and Alain would know. Rin worked so, so hard for this. She deserved to win, one hundred times more than he did. But he’s laughing, Rin’s laughing, and he hears the crowd roar, even through his headset. And is he happy? He’s happy. He really, really hopes she’s happy, too. 

“GG,” she says. He nods, smiles. Doesn’t fully register her words. Then he stares. GG? Wait. Is it…

_Holy shit._

Bisharp, Sucker Punch.

_The opposing Primarina fainted!_

“You actually did it, Alain.”

Charizard. _Blast Burn._

_The opposing Ferrothorn fainted!_

“You made Finals.”

He slides his headphones off, as the words scroll, ever so slightly, across the screen.

_You defeated SailorEris!_

“Good game.” And the crowd absolutely erupts. The cameras, he knows, are trained on him from all directions, all the eyes and hopes now on _him-_

“Holy shit.” Alain just sits there. He stares, at the screen. It fades to black, back to the battle menu. He just stares. He… won?

_I won?_

“Congrats, Alain. I’m-” Rin pauses, and holds out her hand. “I’m proud of you.” And automatically, almost, he shakes it. It’s stiff, mechanical. He doesn’t see the way Rin flinches at the cold of his grip, only to recover one blink of an eye later. But then it’s running through his head. 

_I made Finals. I just made the Finals._ He stares, blankly, across the table. Rin offers a hesitant, almost shy smile. He isn’t paying attention. All he knows is the roar of the crowd, the sudden rush of adrenaline and hope and then it’s the _memories-_

And then it’s the fear. All the joy drains out of him, just like the _light in Lancelot’s eyes-_

_Oh my god._

Then Alain’s grabbing his Switch, his things - and he.

just.

runs.

_♢ ------- I already told you… -------♢_

_April 14th, 2019 - Estrel Lumiose Congress Center, Kalos Region_

“Alain, you ready?” X stands up, and Alain stares. It’s metaphorical, but he can see the outstretched hand. He knows that X is trying, for both of them. And Alain smiles, nods. He takes it, and he stands. 

“I’m ready,” he says. They head backstage, together. Across the room. Then, his phone vibrates in his pocket. Once. 

And then it rings, with the song he never wanted to hear again. 

_Shit._

_♢ ------- ...I’m right here. -------♢_

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

And Alain’s physically shaking by the time his interview starts. He’s shaking, and he can’t think straight, as he blinks and fights back tears, forcing a smile. He’s supposed to be happy. He was _happy._ He made Finals. But why isn’t he happy? He needs to get out of there. He needs to get the fuck out of there, he needs to practice, he needs to prep-

“Well, good luck in the Finals tomorrow!” The interviewer says with a smile. Alain nods, twice, stiffly. The cameras shift away. 

“All right, cut,” one of the cameramen says. The cameras drop. “Alain, is everything-”

 _“Is everything okay?”_ He hears it. He knows, exactly what they’re going to say. He just freezes, stares, the whole room going cold. 

And then Alain runs, all over again.

_♢ ------- I’ll stay by your side… -------♢_

_April 14th, 2019 - Estrel Lumiose Congress Center, Kalos Region_

His phone rings, and he freezes. Slowly, he pulls it out of his pocket, and clenches his jaw. 

“I’m busy.” He picks up, and then hangs up a moment later. Swears, and pockets his phone again. X stares at him, and he opens his mouth to speak. Then it rings again. Alain curses, twice more. Then he picks it up again. 

“Look, I said I’m _busy,_ call me back later-”

“Alain.” Sycamore’s voice is hard, cold. But it’s not angry. It’s not upset. It’s… afraid. Masked, in the same way Alain fakes his own. And his blood goes cold, absolutely _cold_.

_♢ ------- ...every night. -------♢_

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

“Alain!” Rin yells after him, voice short, angry, ice cold. He stops, for just the briefest second. “Alain, what the fuck are you _doing-”_

 _“Don’t touch me.”_ And he doesn’t even look behind him, he doesn’t need to see her, to know. To know the way she yanks her hand back, barely touching his wrist. To know the hurt that flashes in her eyes, that he’s never even seen before. Not from her. 

“Alain, seriously…”

“I said _not to touch me,_ Rin,” he spits. She doesn’t move, and neither does he. He could. The exit is close. He needs to get out of there, _now-_

“I’m not going to,” she says softly. “I’m not going to.” He’s never heard her like this. Not afraid. Not… _not scared._

 _You hurt her, you idiot. You fucking hurt her. You can’t do anything for anyone you care about, because you just_ hurt _them-_

“But Alain, you…” Her voice trails off, and she takes a deep breath. “You won. You made Finals. You _did it,_ Alain, and-”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” He screams. He hasn’t screamed in months. A year. He doesn’t scream, because he’d rather suffer and cry in cold, hard, silence. But then his throat goes raw, he blinks again and again, forcing back tears, and he spins around to face her. “Do you think I don’t _know_ that, Rin? I fucking _know that!_ I won, when I didn’t even deserve to. _You_ did _._ And now I’m going to Finals. The fucking Finals. And I’ve been working for this for three years, and I can’t just throw it away like I did _the last time-”_

 _“Alain.”_ He stops, as Rin meets him levelly in the eye. She’s hurt. He can see that in her eyes, her face, twisted with fear and worry and _pain._ “Alain, what’s going on with you? What’s wrong?” 

_Everything,_ he wants to say. _Everything._ And he doesn’t know where it comes from, but something in him just kicks in, and all he can think is that he has to win tomorrow or _else-_

“Why can’t you let me go?” He finally says, voice cracking. “Let me go, Rin. I have to practice, I have to prep, I have to figure out _what the fuck I’m going to do tomorrow._ I have to _win._ Don’t you get that? Don’t how get how hard I’ve worked for this, how I fucked up last time and I can’t fuck up _again?_ Because then it was all a waste, and everything and _everyone_ I lost on the way wasn’t worth it either, and I just-” He stops, because he can’t _breathe._ That’s what he does. Inhales, exhales, just like he tries to all the damn time. What he does when he panics, when he freaks. It barely helps. “You’re right, Rin. _I did it._ And it means I don’t have the time to be standing here, to be talking, to be _fighting_ with you. I can’t-” His voice cracks, and he hates it. “I can’t do this. I can’t _do_ this.” 

And it takes everything in him - everything, for him not to just break right there. Cry. Scream. Because he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know what’s even happening to him, what’s in his head - but it _hurts_ and he’s afraid and scared and he needs to do _something-_

“You can." She speaks softly, quietly. Hurt, still. Because he did that. He did that to her. Because he’s an _idiot._ "You can, Alain, Rin says. "I know you can. Just breathe. Breathe, for a second.” He breathes, though. He does. It comes shakily, in what are almost gasps. He tries, anyways. “What are you scared of, Alain? There’s nothing to be scared of. It’s okay, it’s going to be _okay._ You have time. You’ll do great tomorrow. And don’t be scared of losing, because I know it _sucks,_ but it happens to all of us. I just-” Her voice cracks. “I lost. I’m done. You beat me. And Alain, it hurts that you’re not just taking that and _running._ We’re friends. We’re friends, right? And I worked my ass off for this. I didn’t make it. But me - every player you’ve beaten - we gave it all up so you could try. _Try._ Try for me, Alain, for _us."_ But she doesn't realize just how _hard_ that is. 

“But I can’t," he says, voice shaking. Rin looks down. “I can’t. I fucking can’t, Rin. You don’t _know_ me. I always fail. I’m always second best. And for once, maybe, I can do _better,_ but I know I can’t because I always fuck up, right when I can’t afford to, and then I lose somebody because of it-”

He stops. He realizes, exactly, what he’s just said. _‘I lose somebody because of it.’ I lose somebody. You lose somebody, because you’re just stupid and weak and you can’t do anything right anymore-_

“Alain?”

_Idiot. You're a fucking idiot, Viard. What-_

“Alain, are you okay?”

_What are you doing?_

“Alain, I swear, _listen to me-”_

_And what have you already done?_

“Alain!” She screams his name, one more time. And all he can hear is him, _him._ One year ago. 

_‘Lance!’_

_♢ ------- I don’t know why you hide from the one… -------♢_

_April 14th, 2019 - Estrel Lumiose Congress Center, Kalos Region_

“What?” Alain doesn’t try to hide his own fear, this time. On the other end of the phone line, Sycamore remains silent, for a long moment. X stares at him, and Alain waves him on. _‘I’ll be there soon,’_ he mouths. X nods, and then runs backstage. Alain forces himself to breathe, and to unclench his jaw. 

“Where are you right now?” The Professor finally asks. The strain in his voice shakes Alain to the core, and he swallows, gripping the phone tighter. As if this isn’t the first time they’ve talked in six months. As if he isn’t suddenly, for no reason, _terrified_.

“Estrel Congress Center. It’s Internats.” The other end of the line is silent, just for a moment. Alain forces himself to breathe. “Okay, well look, I really have to go. I’m playing in the Finals, they need me on stage right now, I’m so _sorry-_ ”

“Lance coliced.” 

He freezes, and the world around him just _stops._ Silence, for another moment. Alain doesn't move, doesn't breathe. “Lance coliced, Alain," the Professor says. "We… we don’t even know what it is, because it’s not just colic symptoms, but he’s _freaking,_ Alain. I know you two were close. I know you-” His voice cracks. Shit, shit, _shit._ It takes every fiber in Alain’s body to just _stand,_ to stay still, to keep his face straight as the crowd around him pushes and pulls and roars. “I know you loved him. He loves you. And colic is stress related, sometimes, I thought maybe you being there would help but maybe not, since you're busy, and I don’t know what’s going on. Sophie’s working on it, but it’s _bad,_ and-”

“I’ll be there.” Alain doesn’t think. He just says it. “Give me two hours. I can be there.” And Alain doesn’t even know what he’s saying. But somehow, the words come, before he can even think. He doesn’t think, about what that means for him. For X. For their match. “Don’t let him die. _Please.”_ He hates how scared his sounds, and he hates the way he grips his phone tighter and tighter and forces back tears. 

“Alain…”

“I’m coming. I swear I’m coming,” he says again, voice shaking. “Just please help him, _just keep him alive-”_

“You’re dropping?” Sycamore says. Alain freezes. “You can’t drop _._ Just play, I shouldn’t have even called _,_ you need to go out there and just play the game and it’ll be okay-”

“I have to!” He screams. The crowd around him all turns to stare. Alain looks down, and then scans the room for the nearest employee in a green shirt. “I have to, Professor. It’s okay. There will be other chances. Lance is-” His voice cracks. He’s not going to say it, he’s _not._ Instead, Alain takes a deep, shaky, breath, and sprints towards the Help booth. “I need to go. Give me an hour and a half, I can make it. Just tell Lance I’m coming.”

There’s silence, for a long moment. Alain breathes. He takes, one more look at the stage. At the crowds. At everything, he’s just throwing away. For a single shot, to save a life. 

“I’m sorry,” the Professor finally says. The line goes dead. Alain is still, for just a moment. Then he runs.

_♢ ------- ...and close your eyes to the one… -------♢_

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

“Alain!” He stumbles backwards, and hits the table. Then he slams a fist into it with a silent scream. “Alain, holy shit. Are you okay?”

No. He’s not okay. Nothing is _okay._ What has he even done? What has he done, this time, why is it happening _again?_ How did he let himself, go this far, why didn’t he _see it-_

“That’s a no," Rin says finally. "That is definitely a no. Shit, Alain, just _breathe_ for a second-” 

He breathes. He breathes, slowly, in and out, shutting his eyes. By the time he opens them again, he can’t blink enough times to stop himself from crying. From breaking.

“What’s going on?” Rin asks. And he doesn’t know. He doesn’t fucking _know._ He doesn’t know, how he let himself fall into this again, how he could make the same mistake _twice-_

_‘Lance. Please. Oh my god, just-'_

And everytime, in every dream - it's _always_ his fault. 

_♢ ------- Mess up and lie to the one… -------♢_

_April 14th, 2019 - Sycamore Research and Veterinary Clinic, Kalos Region_

“Lance!” Alain bursts through the equine wing, and he sees them all immediately. Sycamore turns, first, then the whole team. He doesn’t look at any of them. Instead, he just pushes forward, through the crowd, and crouches at Lance’s side. “Shit, shit, _shit-”_

“Alain.” He feels the Professor’s hand on his shoulder, the same way it was when he first came to the lab, back when he ran-

“Alain, I’m sorry.” He’s not listening. Lance’s chest rises and falls, up and down, at a gasping rate. That’s not normal. He knows that’s not normal. Alain’s hand goes to the heart, he starts counting-

“We tried.” Alain freezes. He loses track. 

“What the fuck do you mean, you _tried?”_ He’s not going to cry. Fuck, he’s not going to _cry-_

“We don’t even know what else to try, Alain. We tried everything. There’s nothing we can even _do,_ at this point-”

 _“Well, then just try harder!”_ He screams. Sycamore flinches, and Lance kicks out. Alain winces, and then breathes, trying to stay calm. He’s failing. But he runs his hand down Lance’s neck, runs his fingers through his mane. Remembers, the first, last, and only other time he was here, because he had nowhere else to go. He just remembers, the one night he had to come home. He had to. But he didn’t want to see Mairin, not after he failed her. She hates him, anyways. And he just stayed here, all night. Because Lance was him - scared, and scared, because nobody understood. Everybody tried, but they couldn’t leave him alone and give him some space, or just let him _breathe._

“We’ve been trying for the past five hours,” Sophie says softly. “There’s nothing left to try. We can’t-” She stops. Alain knows, exactly what she was going to say. Exactly what Sycamore couldn’t. He doesn’t look up, from the strain and fear in Lance’s dark eyes, the sweat that coats his silver chest and neck. He whinnies, and kicks out with his hind legs again. Alain could get hit, and he can’t even bring himself to care. 

“You mean he’s going to die,” Alain spits. “You mean that I dropped the biggest match of my life to come here, to be too late. And you mean that I’m losing him, because nobody here is smart enough to _figure it out-”_

“Colic symptoms,” Sycamore starts. He takes a deep breath. “Colic and Encephalitis, Alain. You know what Encephalitis is. It’s fatal. It’s never come on suddenly like this, and he’s vaccinated, but he still got it. We should have known it was possible. And I know, I know you had to drop. I told you not to. But I thought, I thought _maybe-”_

“Get out.” Alain doesn’t think, but the words come out with absolute venom. For a moment, nobody moves. He can hear the racing of Lance’s heart, and feel his own. He knows he’s being selfish. He knows this is far from the right thing to do. He should leave, because he’s not any help here. He never is. But it _hurts,_ because he knows it’s his fault. If only he’d been here, if only he’d gotten here _sooner_ . They could have figured it out. They could have found some way to fix it. But he was too into his stupid game to care. He should have seen the texts, that he didn’t until stopped at a red light, three hours after they had arrived. He should have driven faster, faster, _faster._ Maybe he shouldn’t have even left, in the first place. Shouldn’t have gone back to Lysandre’s, after the first night. He couldn’t do anything for Marisso, anyways. All he did was make promises he could do nothing but break. 

“Alain…” But he swallows, looks down at Lance, and what he’s done. His fault. Lance coliced, out of stress, maybe because of the Encephalitis. But _damnit,_ if he had been here, if Lance just had _him,_ then maybe it would have been okay. He’ll never, ever know. It’s already too late, anyways. 

“Did I not just tell you all to _get out?”_ Alain’s voice shakes and cracks, but the last thing he wants is their sympathy. He wants to sit there and cry alone, clinging onto the false hope that somehow, maybe _somehow,_ Lance can pull through. It doesn’t matter if he already knows he’s dying. And behind him, somebody shuffles, and then footsteps. Everyone leaves. And Alain just stares, at Lance in front of him. He tangles his hands in his mane, pulls out a few strands, and shoves them in his pocket. And he can’t let himself cry. Not yet. Not when he knows Lance is a million times more afraid than he is. He just sits there, breathes, whispers. 

“I’m here. It’s okay.” And he says it, a hundred times over. He says it, again and again, as he runs his hands down Lance’s neck, his back, and his forelock. As the tears come, and he can’t hold them back anymore. He cries. He cries, but he says it again, through sobs and shaking breaths. 

And he’s saying it, again. He’s saying it, when Lance’s breath shakes, and suddenly just _stops._ So does his heart, thumping in his chest. It goes silent. The words go dry on Alain’s tongue. Then the light in Lance’s eyes fades, slowly, gradually into black. Alain goes still. 

And then, finally, he screams.

_♢ ------- ...that you love. -------♢_

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

“Alain? Are you even listening?” Rin asks. “What is going _on-”_

She stops. Alain grips the edge of the table tighter, knuckles going white. He’s crying, at that point. He stands there, in broken, shattered silence. And he just cries. To himself, for himself. For Lance. For everyone who’s lost, because he was too blind and stupid to see the kind of monster he was. Because he couldn’t see, that somewhere down the road, he’d lost _himself_ . And it’s his fault. How could he have let himself do that? And how, could he know, let it all happen _again?_ Everything he does, it just leads him back to here, where he’s bound to _fail_ because he’s never done anything but that anyways-

“Look. Alain. I want to help you, but I can’t do a single fucking thing if you can’t _talk to me.”_ He can hear as the worry in Rin’s voice slowly changes into frustration, near anger. But what’s he supposed to say, when it’s all too much to explain, anyways? She wouldn’t get it. She wouldn’t. Nobody does. Nobody does, so why would he even bother-

“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” Rin says, forcing her voice to stay calm and even. She takes a deep breath. Alain just looks down, swears to himself, again and again. “I can’t promise I will, even if you explain it to me. But just _try._ Just try, so I can try. Okay? And look at me. Look at me, Alain.” And slowly, carefully, she puts her hand on his. Alain stiffens, and then forces himself to breathe. He inhales, counts to three, and then lets it out. And he makes himself look up, look her in the eye. Finally. And the look in her eyes just _breaks_ him.

_♢ ------- When you know you can cry to the one… -------♢_

_April 14th, 2019 - Sycamore Research and Veterinary Clinic, Kalos Region_

Alain sits there, not even trying anymore. His sobs grow louder, throat growing raw from his screams. It hurts. It really, really fucking _hurts._

_You didn’t even know him. You didn’t even know him, you idiot-_

But he can say that, he can say _whatever the fuck he wants._ None of it works. Because that’s wrong. He knows Lance. He spent one night here, one single fucking night. He still knows - _knew -_ him. Because he saw him. In Lancelot, a broken, terrified, rescue with one hell of a heart - Alain saw _him._ He saw himself. And he knows, he knows Lance had to have seen it, too. The two of them, reflected in each other’s eyes, because that’s why they understood each other when nobody else could. He should have stayed. He should have stayed, he should have given up. Because _fuck_ Lysandre. _Fuck Lysandre,_ and everyone there. Everyone who pretended to give two shits about him. They didn’t _care._ But Lance... Lance cared, because Alain saw it in his eyes. The way he knocked him over, nickered, took carrots from his hand when he’d bite everyone else. He cared. And because Alain was stupid, so fucking _stupid,_ he left. He went back. He went back to Lysandre, to the dumpster fire that was the place where he thought he belonged. Where Mairin wouldn’t be, every damn day, to torture and taunt and and tear him into a million fucking pieces with a single glare. 

_“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Alain!”_

Every. Fucking. Time. He can save lives at Lysandre’s, do nothing but _take_ them, here - but he can’t _forget._ And now, he can add Lance to another life he’s ruined. Lance. Marisso. _Mairin._ So maybe he deserved this. He fucking deserved this, to lose his best friend. He fucked up, and now, he’s paid for it. 

_So are you happy now? Are you fucking happy now, now that you’ve broken me into a million pieces? And are you happy, knowing that you’ve won?_

Because for every Top Cut, for every Finals he’s made and cleared and every trophy that he has - _none of it was fucking worth it._ Losing Lance was not worth it. And he hears footsteps, by the door. He doesn’t move. He just cries, curses Lysandre, everyone he can think of, _himself -_ and cries. He breathes, but it’s shaky and more like gasps than anything else. The person behind him is silent. And then, finally, she speaks. 

“You deserved this.”

And Alain doesn’t move. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t move, doesn’t let her live with the fact that she’s _won._ He can’t say it. He can’t even say it - _‘I know. I know, Mairin, I know.’_ Because he does fucking _know._ He deserved this. He deserves hell and back, for what he’s done to her. Instead he just sits there, and doesn’t let himself cry any longer. 

Then he just stands, wordlessly, silently. And he walks out, without even looking her in the eye. He won’t give her _anything._ He can’t. And then he leaves, slides the door shut with as much control as he possibly can. He climbs, up the stairs to his old room. He looks it over, for the first time in years. He collapses. And then Alain lets himself cry, all over again.

_♢ ------- ...always confide in the one... -------♢_

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

“Alain?” Everything just goes _numb._ Alain makes himself look Rin in the eye, but then everything just glazes over. Because he can’t look at that hurt. He can’t look at the fear, that he never, ever thought he’d have to see, coming from her. She was his anchor. He knew she, of all people, was strong. And knowing that he’s enough to _break her_ hurts the most. 

“I’m sorry,” he finally chokes out. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, _I’m sorry._ I’m really fucking sorry, because I hurt you, and you shouldn’t even _care_ about me. I’m sorry for being a horrible person. And I’m sorry that I’m not-” His voice cracks. “I’m sorry I’m not the person you thought I was.” Rin stares. Alain looks down, eyes wet with tears that slowly, slowly stop. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. 

“There is nothing wrong-” Rin starts carefully. She takes a deep breath. “There’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, sometimes. It’s not weak. There is nothing wrong with taking a moment to cry, to regret. And it’s stronger, you know - it’s stronger to know that there are people who care about you, who you can talk to. Who you can trust. And if you don’t trust me yet, that’s okay. I’m okay with that. I understand. But I’m here. I’m here, okay? I don’t know what’s hurting you right now, I don’t know what you’ve been through - but I can try and understand, if you’re willing to let me. Okay?” And it reminds him too much. It reminds him too much, of the hand X held out, before their final match. The one that never happened. He took it, last time. He thought he did. But really…

Really, did he? If he had, he would have replied. He would have called him back that night, the next day. Sometime within the next _week._ Instead, that never happened. He thought he took it. He thought that was a sign, that he and X were friends, that they were in this together. Instead, he abandoned him at their worst. Alain was the dropout. X was the fake Champion. He should have been there, he should have let _X_ be there, and he should have stopped _pretending._ But this time. But this time, maybe-

“Alain?” For real, this time. For real, maybe. Maybe he can actually take her hand. 

“Okay.” And Alain knows - Alain knows that he owes it to her, to just do what she said. To just _try._ Because he already knows - he already knows, that she’d do the same for him.

_♢ ------- You can be kind to the one… -------♢_

“I miss Lance.” That’s what he says, first. After sitting there in silence, while Rin waits, while he tries to think. Outside, he shivers. It’s dark and it’s cold. He _hates_ the cold. But he sits there, he breathes, in and out. “I really, really miss him,” he says again. Rin looks down. 

“Can I ask who Lance is?” She asks. Alain looks down, too. But he nods. 

“Yeah.” Another breath. Another moment, frozen in silence, while Alain just tries to think. But it’s okay. It’s fine. He’s going to be fine. He needs to do this. “Lance was a horse. I know it sounds dumb, but he was a horse. At my dad’s clinic. And-” His voice cracks. Fuck, he’s gonna cry _again-_

_‘It’s okay. It’s okay, Alain. You can cry.’_

He takes another deep breath. Silently, he does cry. 

“You remember when I dropped, don’t you?” Alain doesn’t look, to see if Rin nods. He knows she does. “Well I got a call, right before Finals, and he didn’t have to say it. Lance coliced. Lance was going to die. And there’s this thing horses get - it’s called Colic. It’s the same thing human babies can get, if you know what that is. But basically - it’s usually treatable, but it can be fatal in horses. Horses die from it, all the damn time. There are a lot of causes, and nobody knows what happened to Lance. But there’s also this thing called Encephalitis - Eastern Equine Encephalitis, EEE for short. It’s a virus, passed through birds and mosquitos. It’s fatal, almost always. What happens when a horse gets two of them?” He hears the way his own voice grows cold, hard. He can also hear, that behind all of it, he’s broken more than anything. Rin doesn’t reply, but Alain knows she gets it. She’s smart. 

“So I just…” Alain takes another breath. Each time, they’re shallower, shakier. “I panicked. I dropped everything I ran. By the time I made it back to the clinic, I couldn’t even do anything. That was the worst part. I gave up my shot at being a Champion, and then I just-” He runs his hands back through his hair, and looks up at the stars, blinking rapidly. “I still didn’t make it. Not fast enough. I couldn’t do anything but sit there and cry, for half an hour. Then he died. I was right there, I was the only one. And there was nothing anybody could have done. I know that, now. I blame myself, all the damn time, but I know, deep down - it’s nobody’s fault. Lance coliced. He died. It was a year ago, and it’s in the past. But you know what scared me, today?” Rin shifts, slightly. 

“What?” She asks quietly, when he doesn’t continue. Alain lets a tear drop onto the back of his hand.

“I realized that it was all the same. Finals, again. First time I’ve made it to Finals since then. Since Internats. And I realized that the mindset I had - when I told you to just _let me go,_ and when I said all the other shitty things that you didn’t deserve to hear - it was the same, too. It was everything I told you to leave behind. I had fallen, somehow, back into my old routine. Win. Practice. Win, again. And the idea I’m worthless if I don’t just… win. That’s where my brain went. That’s what Lysandre drilled into me. And in the end, _that_ is the one thing I can blame for Lance’s death. Win. Just win. And it hurt, it fucking _hurt -_ when I realized that I was just doing it all over again.” 

Rin is silent for a long moment. Alain, almost, starts again. Keeps going. But he doesn’t know what to say, what he _can_ say, without crying any more than he already is. He’s given up, anyways. He’s given up on trying to be the strong one. 

“I’m sorry,” she finally says. Alain doesn’t move. “I’m sorry, about Lance. I’m sorry, that everyone gave you so much bullshit for your drop. I’m sorry that you never thought anyone would understand, and I’m sorry that I can’t. I really, truly, can’t, even if I try my best. But I know you, kinda. By now. And I know that me apologizing is probably the last thing you want to hear right now.” That, even, gets the barest of smiles out of him. Because he’s trying.

“Not wrong,” he says. Rin turns to him, and smiles. 

“I figured.” She turns back to the sky, to the city that stretches out beyond them, glowing with neon lights. “But at the very least, I’m just going to say - I’m proud.” He freezes. “You’ve seen some shit, Alain. You let yourself get hurt. I, for one, obviously did not help. But I’m proud. Because you didn’t have to say any of that, you didn’t have to do a single damn thing. You don’t owe me the truth, and you don’t owe anyone _anything._ But you do it anyways, because you’re strong. Even if you don’t believe it, you’re strong. And you know what else?” Alain forces himself to turn to her. She’s smiling, even just barely, a thousand things written in her eyes that he dares himself to get lost in, even for just a second. 

“You made the Finals,” she says. “I know that you know - but hell, you made Finals. And it’s not all about winning, it’s not - I still have to learn that myself. But if you’ve taught me anything, Alain - just breathe. Breathe, for just tonight. You’ll be okay tomorrow. You’ll be okay, even if you lose. But nobody deserves to be on that goddamn stage like you do. And I want you to have fun up there. I want you to own it. And I want you, because you deserve to - _I want you to be happy.”_

Alain stares. She… _‘I want you to be happy.’_ He won’t ask. He won’t think it, he won’t say it. He won’t ask, why she cares. It doesn’t matter. Because this is all he needs to know that she _does._ And so he turns away, looks straight ahead. He smiles. 

“I’ll try.” And he stands, taking a deep breath. He turns around. And this time, it’s not her. It's not X. Instead, he’s the one who offers out a hand. For real, this time.

“Let’s go,” he says. Rin stares, for a second. He flashes another smile, and a near nervous shrug. “Let’s have fun, like you said I should. We can get dinner again, see whatever sights there are to see, all the touristy shit - whatever you want. But let’s just _have fun.”_ And Alain sees the way she smiles, the _real_ way she smiles. Her hand closes around his, and he pulls her up to her feet. 

“Sure,” she says. And he sees the way the light twinkles in her eyes, the way her smile makes him smile even more and more. He sees, most importantly - that she makes him happy. 

And then, together - they _run._

_♢ ------- ...that you love. -------♢_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just so you all know, i cried writing a paragraph of this. hope you had fun :)))


	8. we're lights that never go out / cause you're here with me now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s seeing the real thing, it’s looking out over the night skyline - that’s what makes her happy. Worlds isn’t just about the game. It’s about the people, the places. The fact that Pokemon is so, so much more than just a _game._ She forgets that, a lot. But, now, when she really and truly lets herself have fun - that’s all she thinks about. How happy she is. How excited she is, already. For next year. For her next shot. 

_♢ ------- Hold on, I still want you. -------♢_

_August 15th, 2020 - Wyndon, Galar Region_

Rin knows what they say. Pokemon is about the people you meet, not the records you break. She, for one, never understood that. But the moment Alain held out his hand, when he smiled at her, _when she smiled back_ \- that’s when things flipped upside down. When she’s with him, she doesn’t think about the fact that she’d lost. That she, just like he had exactly a year ago - had placed just two spots too low. She doesn’t. Instead, she just realizes that hey - maybe they were right. _Maybe they were right._ Because she doesn’t remember the last time she’s had fun like this. Even when she wins, Top Cuts Dendemille Regionals. Makes Worlds Top 4. None of that can even compare to the city at night, the light drizzle and the way the streetlights reflect off the asphalt, in a million different colors. None of that compares to the way she smiles, the way Alain smiles back. At her. Because of her. _Because of her._

She isn’t sure what, exactly, she does to make him happy. She doesn’t know why he likes hanging out with her, but he does. She likes hanging out with him, too. But Rin is happy, Alain is happy. Considering all the shit he’s gone through, that’s all Rin wants for him. She doesn’t want to think about what he said, but she does. She does it anyway. She can’t help it. But she knows, at the same time, that it’s probably the last thing he wants to talk about right now. Not about Finals, not about Internats. Not about Lance. 

And so she’s not going to push it. She figures that if he wants to talk to her again, he will. She’ll give him space, and she’ll give him time, if that’s what he wants. Needs. So instead, she focuses on just pushing her thoughts into the back of her mind. She lets herself smile. Have fun. Talk about fun things over dinner, like her third round of Swiss, or his first round of Top Cut. It stresses her out, sometimes. Pokemon does. But in the end, it’s her game. It’s for fun. And Rin knows, that from here on out - she shouldn’t play if it’s not going to make her happy. She’s going to work on that. But right now, looking back on it does. They find an open cafe with free wifi, and do Max Raid battles together, for the fun of it. 

“You’re not tired of the game yet?” Alain asks, tone light. Rin tosses her hair over her shoulder. 

“Are you?” He laughs. Rin knows the answer. _Of course not._ They complain, as Martin’s Solrock uses Cosmic Power _again,_ and as the G-Max Lapras knocks out Alain’s Tyranitar with a critical hit. It disappears in a flash of blue, but Rin’s Cinderace finishes it off a turn later. Ten minutes later, they crouch over Rin’s phone, watching the other semifinal stream from earlier that day. Because why not?

And you might wonder, you might ask. Is it really a break? Is Alain still jotting down full EV spreads and movesets of Blue’s team? Yeah, yeah he is. But it is a break. Because together they laugh, they smile. Then they rewatch their own match, too, cracking up at the poor commentary and huge roar of the crowd when Alain revealed Bisharp’s Throat Chop. At Rin’s own obvious disappointment when Primarina’s Hyper Voice fails. When Alain wins. She pauses it, before their failed handshake, before Alain runs. And she almost expects him to tense up again, to block her out. But he just smiles, and he doesn’t. He _doesn’t._

What does that say, about her? About them?

_Don’t think about it, Rin. You’re friends. You already knew that. Move along._

But then they leave, Rin makes him stop by a bubble tea place with her. She loves bubble tea. Alain, clearly being deprived of life, has never tried it, so Rin makes him. He says it’s good. Then they walk, they then run through the city, even as it rains. 

Alain asks, again and again. Shouldn’t he be practicing? Shouldn’t they be prepping, for his match tomorrow? And everytime, Rin almost does say yes. She doesn’t want to be the reason he loses tomorrow, not on the biggest stage of his life. But instead, she just asks. 

“Do you want to?” And she watches, as his face clouds over with doubt for even just a second. Then she smiles. “Or would you rather do this? Be here, and have fun for one night?” Then he nods, takes her hand again. That’s what she wants to hear, to see. She’s not going to stop him, if he wants to practice. If he wants to run matches against her, for the next two hours. But that, he says, isn’t really wants to do. 

“I feel like I should be prepping,” he says, half an hour later. The ferris wheel shifts upwards, ever so slowly, as Alain stares out the glass. Rin, on the other hand, just watches him. 

“I know,” she says. “I know you do. If I’d-” She takes a deep breath. “If I’d won, I’d feel the same way. Of course I would. Tomorrow’s a big fucking deal. You, obviously, know that. But hey. You’re the one who told me, that I need to let go. Breathe. Have fun. Right now, I’m telling you to do the same. Can you look me in the eye, truthfully, and tell me you want to practice? Because I don’t think you can.” He doesn’t move, for a long moment. Then he turns to her.

“His Dragapult runs Ally Switch, right?” Rin laughs, because she sees the slight smile on Alain’s face, even when he wonders, and even as he worries. She nods. 

“Yeah. Then Surf for the Coalossal, Light Screen, and-” 

“Breaking Swipe, I remember that one. Thanks.” He looks lost in thought, for just a moment. Then he looks back at her. “Sorry, I know I’m worrying. It’s hard not to.” Rin smiles. 

“I know,” she says. “And that’s totally okay. Worrying is okay. But you’ll be fine, you know. You just have to play your best, and if you lose…” Rin pauses. She thinks, about the way her heart sank, the second the Throat Chop hit. _‘Fuck you,’_ she had said with a laugh. But on the inside? It hurt. It really did. That was it. Her season was just…. Over. But Alain’s now moving on, he’s going to the Finals. Just like he deserves to. Rin _knows_ that. So she just breathes, tells herself that it’s okay. She lost. She’ll get over it. “But if you lose, Alain, _you lose_. I know you don’t want me to say that. I know you’ve been working for this, for years. But you might lose, you really might. I hope you can accept that. And I hope you can accept that that’s okay too.” Alain doesn’t reply, for a second. Rin, in that moment, thinks maybe she said something wrong. But then he nods, running a hand back through his hair. 

“Yeah. I’m trying.” He pauses, and looks back out over the city. “It’s hard to, because I hate losing. It kinda sucks, watching everything you’ve worked for, just… crumble.” Rin suspects, _knows_ \- there’s more behind that then he’ll let on. But she doesn’t think about it, and just looks, too, out at the city. Then she smiles. She takes it all in, and her brain connects everything back to the Wyndon of the games. It’s magic. It’s literal magic, how she, like thousands of others, are all here. Seeing the real life thing. And how they’re all here because they play the same game. They connect. She thinks about the people she’s met, the ones she’s played. About Alain. 

And then she thinks, about how the whole city lays out before her, lights twinkling in a hundred different colors, and how in the end, she can trace all the lines all back to the two of them. 

_♢ ------- Come back... -------♢_

“You can tell me, if you want.” And she’ll take that leap. She’ll bet, that the breaking he refers to isn't just for losing Finals. Based on the way he stiffens, just slightly, and then breathes, she can tell that she’s right. 

“I know.” But Rin hopes - Rin hopes that he knows, that she’s not asking him to. Not if he doesn’t want to. But she knows that it’s hard sometimes, that when you hollow yourself out, and try and swallow all of your pain, because you have nobody you can even trust - it hurts. It hurts, more than anything else. And truthfully, she barely knows Alain. But she does know that that’s not what she wants for him, or what she wants for anyone. “But do you want me to?” He asks. Rin looks at him, and smiles, just slightly. 

“Only if you want to,” she says. “But if you’d rather forget for one night, I want you to know that that’s okay too. I just want you to understand that whatever you’ve got bottled up inside, it’s valid. You can tell me, and I’ll listen. I don’t know what things are like for you, in your life - but even if I’m far from the first person to tell you this, I-”

“Fourth,” he says softly. Rin barely catches it. She stops, and he looks down. “You’re the fourth.” She bites her lip. Fourth. Why is she only the fourth? That…

That’s not enough. Nobody should be able to count, on one hand, how many people _care._ But damnit, can she... even do any better? But she’s not going to say that. She’s going to smile, she’s going to be there, even just for now. She can deal with herself later. 

“Well, okay. Me, and those three other people, whoever they are - we all know that you’re _valid._ So is your pain. So if you want to talk to me, if you ever need to, I’m _here-”_

“What about yours?” She freezes. 

“What?” Alain looks at her, as they climb higher and higher, into the sky. He repeats himself. 

“What about yours? What about your pain?” Rin doesn’t move. She stops smiling. “See? Exactly. Whatever this is, whatever _we_ are - you can’t say things like that, Rin, and expect me to not say the same back.” She looks down. “So here, I’ll say it. I care about you. You can talk to me, and I’ll listen. I-” He breathes. “I _care._ Okay?” 

Maybe that’s what gets her. Maybe it’s the fact that he says it, right to her face, even when he barely knows her. Or maybe it’s the way that she actually, truly, believes him. Why? She doesn’t know. But damnit, Rin _believes_ him. 

“Do you mean that?” She’ll ask. She’ll ask, anyways. Because deep down, inside - Rin’s afraid. She’s afraid, even if she’ll never show it, never blink twice in the face of danger. Inside, they’re all scared. They’re all scared of losing something greater than themselves. And then Alain looks at her, in what she’d expect would be confusion. It’s not. 

“Why?” But she can see it in his eyes. He gets it. He asks, just like she does, _anyways._

“Because enough people have said that to me, only for it to have been a lie.” She forces her face to stay neutral, to look out over the city and the lights and the towering skyscrapers. At the silver tower in the distance, accented in translucent blue, that stands above the rest of the skyline, stretching into the night sky. But she sees the way Alain looks at her, and she can almost predict, exactly, what he says next. 

“And how many people didn’t? How many actually meant it?” He asks. She doesn’t look at him, because she can’t. Because Rin knows. She knows it’s going to hurt her. But she also knows that she has to say it, because she can’t lie to him. Not to Alain.

_How many people, Rin? How many people meant it?_ And she can phrase it, a hundred different ways. Nothing, absolutely _nothing,_ makes it any less painful. So she’ll just say it, as it is. Blank. Empty. Because does she have another option?

_♢ ------- ...I still need you. -------♢_

“None.” But the word comes out dry, and she swallows, not letting herself meet his eye. She doesn’t want his sympathy. She doesn’t want _anyone’s._ She’s okay. She’s okay, by herself. Just the way she is. 

“And what makes you think that’s okay?” Alain asks. Rin doesn’t reply, for a moment. He keeps going. “Because however strong you think you are, however independent and happy you are, being alone - that’s not _okay._ ” And Rin knows. Rin knows, right then and there, that he means it. He means everything he’s said. He _cares._ Because why else would he say that? Why else would he tell her, that however happy she thinks she is - it’s not enough? Nobody else would. _Nobody._ And it hurts, even if she doesn’t want it to. It hurts, knowing that Alain is the person who cares the most about her. Because they just met. He doesn’t know her. He _doesn’t._

_He does. He does, Rin. He knows you. You know him. Can you really keep pretending like this?_

“I know,” she says. Does she? Well she does know that you’re better when you have somebody to anchor you down. Because that’s exactly what she told him, ten minutes ago. But…

“Okay.” And in the end, she can tell herself that all she wants. She needs somebody. Somebody to trust. And at the same time, she won’t do it. She won’t try. She’ll tell herself, time and time again, that it’s _okay._ Even if it’s not. 

But instead, she just sits there in silence, looking out over the city. She takes a picture, and then another. She doesn’t think, about what they just said. Instead, she smiles. She lets herself forget it, and just think that hey, she made it. She made it to Worlds. She placed third. _Third._ Pretty fucking good. And she’s here, in Wyndon. For real. _For real._ It’s seeing the real thing, it’s looking out over the night skyline - that’s what makes her happy. Worlds isn’t just about the game. It’s about the people, the places. The fact that Pokemon is so, so much more than just a _game._ She forgets that, a lot. But, now, when she really and truly lets herself have fun - that’s all she thinks about. How happy she is. How excited she is, already. For next year. For her next shot. 

And so, as the ferris wheel descends, slowly but surely - Rin looks out, one last time. At the twinkling lights, at the park in the distance, the tower that rises above it all. At Alain. They take one more picture. And then she laughs, smiles, forgets - and runs again.

_♢ ------- Let me take your hand... -------♢_

It’s the calm and the quiet that makes Rin happy. It’s the peace, the faint rumble of a passing car, the pale glow of the streetlights and twinkling stars. The slightest rush of the creek that runs through the park, the rise and fall of her breath and his. And the way Alain’s hand rests on hers. 

“You’re happy, right?” Rin turns to stare at him. 

“Are you?” She asks. He looks straight ahead, across the grass and through the forest. 

“Yeah,” he says. Rin smiles, slightly, and nods. 

“Same, then.” She hopes he gets it. The _then._ If he’s happy, she’s happy. She doesn’t know why, but that’s just how… goes. They sit in silence for another moment, but not because she has nothing to say. Rin has things she could say. She’d bet Alain does, too. But not then. Not right then, because the silence feels _right._ It feels right, with the whisper of the trees, the slightest fall of rain that doesn’t even bother her anymore, even as water drips down the ends of her hair and lands on the back of her hand before splashing to the ground. 

They sit, for a moment. Rin doesn’t think. She just looks out, smiles. And she looks at Alain, and keeps smiling. She knows she’s lucky. She’s lucky, to have met him. To have come this far. To be here. 

“What are you thinking about?” She finally asks. Alain looks straight ahead, still. But he smiles, ever so slightly. 

“Tomorrow. Duh.” Rin smiles. “I’m nervous. I don’t really feel ready, but I guess there’s not much I can do about that. It’s too late to practice, anyways.” She almost asks. Does he regret it? Does he wish he’d left her, not been the one to hold out a hand - not listened. Gone back to his room, sat down, and practiced. Prepped. Memorized all of his opponent’s spreads, sets, items, favored leads and strategies, all the important calcs. She doesn’t ask, not because she’s afraid to know. But because she thinks she already does. 

“You’ll be okay,” she says. He nods. Rin says it, again. “You’ll be okay, win or lose. You know that. Because you’re playing for you, tomorrow. Just for you. You’ll be the only one hurt if you place second, and the rest of us are still going to love you the same.” Alain stiffens, slightly. Rin stops, _thinks_ about what she just said-

“Thanks.” But Alain - Alain won’t say it. He won’t push it, correct her. He probably knows it was just a slip. He probably thinks it was. 

_Was it?_ But inside, does Rin even know? She knows she can’t say things like that, certainly not now. Not if she can’t mean it. And she never can, because what if it hurts them? Hurts her? But she can go on, she can go on pretending. She can try, and _fail_ \- to forget that she said anything. That the silence between them doesn’t grow heavier and heavier. Perfectly still. And as if Rin, now, doesn’t already know. 

_He has my heart._

_♢ ------- ...I’ll make it right. -------♢_

And she doesn’t want to think about it. She can try, all she wants, to pretend. That’s what she’s done, for years, because she likes the pretend version of her. Everyone else does, too, except… Except him. Because Alain sees past her lies, past the layers of fake, even if they’re mixed with a hint of true. But she can ignore it, push it to the side, pretend it’s not there _-_ but in the end, she can’t forget. She knows. She knows that for every slip, for every assumption, for every _smile -_ there are some things you can’t fake. Falling is one of them. 

_Congratulations, Alain. You have my heart._

Because whether it’s a fall from the tallest peak, that fall from grace when you climbed higher and higher, until the ground beneath you just _cracked_ \- or a fall when you suddenly realize, that you care a thousand times more than you should, and when you realize that you don’t even own your own heart anymore - you can’t pretend. You have to take both, in stride, as you go. You learn that this is you, and it’s okay to fall sometimes. You can’t be strong, forever and ever. It’s okay, to let someone help you. To pick you up. Then you can climb, all over again. 

And no matter what, you will learn. You won’t forget, you can’t pretend. You can’t pretend that it doesn’t live, that it hasn’t happened. And Rin, no matter how hard she tries - she knows. Alain fell. She was the one, who helped him rise all over again. And now she’s the one falling. For him. And she just has to say it, again and again. 

_He has my heart._

And she may never know, if she has his. 

“Rin?” 

Can she even hope?

“Are you okay?” 

She doesn’t think she can. Why would she? How _could_ she? Because she can’t. It’s not just her, afraid of getting hurt. And it’s not just her, proving that all the confidence she had was fake. 

“Sorry,” she says. Alain stands, and holds out a hand. It’s too familiar. The exact mirror, of what happened two hours ago, outside the ExCel. She takes it, again. 

It’s not her, afraid for herself. 

“Spaced out for a sec,” she lies. She didn’t. She heard everything he said, was conscious of his every move. Too conscious.

No, it’s not. It’s her, being afraid of hurting him. 

“That’s okay.” And he pulls her up, and she stands. She stands, and pretends she doesn’t notice the faintest shine of the lights reflected in his eyes, the way his slight smile sets her heart on fire. And she smiles back at him, for just a second. The briefest second. Something, just barely, changes across his face. Rin can’t place it, but it was there. Then it’s gone. 

“It’s past midnight, though. You ready to head back?” Immediately, she wants to say no. She’s not tired. She doesn’t go to bed before midnight, anyways, not by a long shot. But she also knows - that’s not why. That’s not why, in the slightest. It’s because Rin knows she hasn’t had this kind of fun in a long, long time. Has she ever, even?

But “if you want,” is what she ends up saying. Because she doesn’t care. She’s happy, sure. But _happy_ doesn’t last. And she’s not about to ask him, because she doesn’t want to hear the inevitable _no._ And Alain doesn’t respond, for a moment. 

“But you don’t,” he finally says. Rin stares. “If you were done, you would have said so. That’s the kind of person you are.” He laughs, the slightest bit, and reaches out to tuck her hair behind her ear. Rin freezes. 

_Oh fuck._

And suddenly, she’s far too aware of his every move, the way his eyes meet hers and the way they shift, ever so slightly, almost _nervously-_

And Rin’s aware, precisely, now. Of how close they are. Of how close _she_ is. But hell, she can’t just _kiss_ him, even if she _wants_ to-

“Rin?”

But that’s not new, is it? Ha. What she wants doesn’t matter. It never does. She can do, all she can, to make herself happy. Doesn’t work. No matter what she tells herself she wants, _needs_ \- she feels empty, the next day, anyways. It doesn’t help. Doesn’t matter. At some point, she just becomes a shell, of the person she wants to be. The carbon copy, of the person she idolizes. Does it work? Does anybody see her, for who she is? Aside from _him?_

“Rin, seriously, _are you okay-”_

And it hurts. It hurts a whole fucking lot, that she doesn’t even know who she is anymore. She’s a broken mess, after all these years on her own. With nobody who cares. And when you lose who, exactly, _you_ are - what else can you do? What else can you do, except latch onto the one person who kept you going? Who could succeed, even if you couldn’t? And who was everything - _everything_ \- you wish you were? And what do you do, exactly, _when they can see right through you?_

“You’re crying. What the actual fuck, Rin, _you’re crying-”_

Oh. Great. Great, she’s crying, even though all she’s wanted to be was strong, for him, even if for nobody else.

“I’m sorry,” she says finally. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucking _sorry-”_ She stops, because she doesn’t even know the words that leave her own mouth anymore. Alain wipes a tear, gently, from underneath her eye. Rin, at that point, doesn’t even understand what she’s apologizing _for._

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” And damnit, she _hates_ it. She hates knowing that she has her stupid petty problems that she cries over, while Alain suffers in pain and silence and the guilt of knowing that he’s _lost_ someone, and she’s upset over herself. _Herself._ It’s not worth it, and she’s not worth it. That, exactly, is all she’s been told, her whole fucking life. Because nobody, _nobody,_ has ever cared. But she looks him in the eye, even if it hurts. Stops her tears. Is this, really, what she wants to do? To him, to her? But she just hopes, _hopes -_ that she’s not wrong. She should think it through, she knows, she’s being _stupid-_

“I’m sorry.” One more time. “I’m so, so sorry.”

_♢ ------- I swear to love you... -------♢_

_And to absolute, goddamn hell with it._

_♢ ------- All. My. Life. -------♢_

Then Rin kisses him. She doesn’t even know why, _what the actual fuck is going on in her mess of a brain -_ but she kisses him. She’s broken. He’s broken. They’re two broken messes, whose pieces somehow just fall together, and it somehow makes her _happy-_

And then he kisses her back. Why? _Why?_ Alain kisses her back, and for a moment, it actually hits her that _holy fucking shit I’m actually kissing Alain Viard-_

But Rin stops thinking, and she lets herself fall deeper and deeper and deeper. For him. She kisses him, she notices the way his hand slides behind her back, pulling her closer and closer until they break. They break, and Alain stares at her for the briefest second, jaw slightly agape.

“Shit, Rin, _shit-”_

“I’m sorry,” she says, words escaping her in a near gasp. “I said I’m sorry, I’ll fucking say it again, because I can’t say it _enough-”_

“What are you sorry for?” He asks. Rin freezes. Then he kisses her again, softly, gently, lips gliding across hers. It lasts for just a moment, and then he pulls away. “What are you sorry for, Rin? Because there’s nothing to be sorry for,” he says quietly. “You told me that. There’s nothing to be sorry for, there’s nothing wrong with _trusting._ And you can trust me. Can you just trust me, Rin? I hope you know that you can. You always can.” And then, somehow - she believes him. She can see the way he’s placed his heart in her hands, the way he swears to hold onto hers. Because for all the betrayal, the loss - Rin’s never had this. She’s never had what her and Alain do, and she’s never seen somebody _look_ at her like this. Make her feel like this, whatever the fuck _this_ is.

“I trust you.” And those three words, alone. They carry so much weight, so much weight that can send her crumbling, shattering her like glass onto the cold, hard concrete below. And she says it. She says it anyways. Because for once, she can mean them. Because... 

_I trust you. I trust you, Alain. With everything. Just please, please - don’t let me down._

“I trust you, too,” he says. “I trust you too.” And when he pauses, Rin can see it. Right now, he’s the one that caught her when she fell. When she broke. But... He needs her. She doesn’t just need him, to hold her up. To keep her strong. Alain… Alain has his demons. He’s not perfect, because none of them are. And his _I trust_ means just as much as hers does. 

Because by themselves, they can fight, they can fake. They can say, time and time again, _I am strong._ And maybe they are, _maybe they are._ They can climb to the top of the world, be better and better and _better._ Her new record placing, Alain’s lock in for Finals tomorrow - that proves it. But there’s a point where Rin can’t hold on anymore. She was alone. She always had been, for as long as she can remember. And even for her, somebody like her - she can’t last forever. And Alain. Alain has people, he does. Not enough, but he does. Yet Rin knows - he’s afraid. He’s afraid, because he’s never felt understood. And her? Well… She does. She _understands._ Rin doesn’t try to, but she understands. 

And so his pain is hers, hers is his. Both ways. That’s what brings them together, under the lights of the park and the lights of the moon and streetlights above. On the rooftop of the Aloft ExCel, twenty minutes later. They stare, up at the night sky. They smile, laugh. _Trust._ And it’s not safe, it’s not legal, to be up on the hotel skyscraper’s roof. But she’s happy. She’s so _happy,_ thirty stories above the rain splattered asphalt below, the whizzing cars and passing traffic.

_♢ ------- Hold on... -------♢_

Because, well... fuck the rules. 

_♢ ------- ...I still... -------♢_

Fuck the rules, _because she wants to see the stars._

_♢ ------- I still need you. -------♢_


	9. no one really knows along the way / that the best things in life won’t be perfect anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And she’s not there. She didn’t make it. She didn’t _make it,_ and somehow, that’s okay. Top 4. She made Top 4. And she lost, so that Alain could go to Finals. And damnit, she’s _okay with that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't like this chapter lmao but have fun ig
> 
> oh and also alain and mairin have the best and sweetest friendship ever and i fucking love them thank you very much

_♢ ------- Her courage… -------♢_

_August 16th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region_

Rin wakes when her phone goes off, but it’s not her alarm tone. Wait, did she even set one? It was two fucking AM, _of course_ she didn’t set one-

She rolls over, and picks it up off the table. Alain, okay-

Wait, what the fuck? _Alain. Alain, Alain, Alain-_

 _Okay. Right. Breathe. Breathe, Rin, breathe._ She clicks the green answer button, and holds it up to her ear. 

“Hey,” he says. Rin freezes for just a moment, and then breathes. Okay. Right. They were gonna call when they were headed to the venue, so she gave him her number, and then he kissed her-

Oh _shit._ Why did she kiss him? Why the actual _fuck_ did she think that was a good idea? But okay, okay, _focus._

“Hi.” _Hi. What the fuck Rin, what is up with you-_

“I uh, just wanted to call. Because I’m headed to the ExCel and stuff. Yeah.” Okay, it makes her feel a million times better that he’s just as awkward and lost as she is. Probably also running on the same 5 hours of sleep that she is, since-

“Wait. It’s 10 fucking AM,” she says in almost near disbelief. Alain bursts out laughing. “No, but seriously, it’s _10 AM-”_

“Yes it’s 10 fucking AM, what did you think?” He says. She can hear him laughing, and in her head, she can see the exact way he has to be smiling, the way he’d look at her. Damnit. Stupid feelings, and _holy shit are they dating now?_

 _Focus. Focus, Rin, focus._ Okay, so clearly she’s not as sleep deprived as she thought. So she can blame the fact that she couldn’t remember _anything_ on the fact that literally nobody can remember what happens at 2 AM, fine. 

“Sorry, I overslept. Clearly.” She says. Another laugh. She sits up, and puts the phone on speaker, scrolling through the Day 3 schedule online. “You gonna watch TCG Finals, or what?” There’s a pause, and then a shuffle.

“Actually, uh. I was gonna ask if you wouldn’t mind practicing with me. For Finals and stuff.” Oh. Smart. _Smart._ Damnit, her brain is _really_ working slow this morning. 

“Of course,” she says. “Yeah. Just gimme like half an hour, I can be there. At the ExCel, right?” 

“Yeah. Cool, thanks.” He pauses. “I put together Blue’s team last night, since I pretty much had all the mons in my Boxes. I just made a Rental Team, and I’ll text you the code so you can run it against me, if that’s all right?” Rin laughs, just a little bit. She shouldn’t be surprised. She really, really, _should not be surprised._

“Idiot.” But then he laughs, and she’s not just remembering all the shit she said, the mistakes she made, but the fact that she was actually _happy-_

“I’m aware.” And that, in conclusion, is why she kissed him. Because he fucking _makes her happy._ Damn, okay then. She can’t even blame 1 AM-Rin for that one. Because she’d totally, 110%, do it again. 

“All right, well anyways. I’m gonna go get ready, and I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Already, she’s pulling out an outfit from her suitcase, and running a brush through her hair. She really _doesn’t_ want him to see her without makeup, even if she knows she shouldn’t care. But maybe if she hurries, she should have time.

“Thanks, again. Means a lot.” She smiles, slightly. She can’t exactly stop herself. “I’ll see you soon, then. Bye.” 

“Bye.” She hangs up, and then slams her phone down. Okay. She’s okay. She can hurry, she can run, and then she can figure out what the fuck she’s gonna do about last night. 

_You’re not playing._ But as Rin gets ready, as she’s on her way, walking the two blocks to the convention center - it really, truly hits her. _You didn’t make it._ It fucking sucks. It sucks, because she was so _close._ One Hyper Voice away. But damnit, she knew she should have watched Alain’s streams. She should have known. He would have something to counter her Primarina, since his team was so flawed against it, outside of Venusaur. Should have fucking _known._ But then there was her, sitting at 12 AM the night before Day 2, thinking that no, she can’t. She can’t let herself watch his streams, fall back into her old habits. Can’t _think_ about him. And, well…

Well, look how that turned out. Look how that turned out, with them climbing onto the roof and making out at 1 AM before the biggest match of Alain’s _life._ Damnit. Her entire head just starts going, _mistake mistake_ **_mistake._ ** It was all a mistake, in the end. Not because it hurt her, because it didn’t. It made her beyond happy. But because she realizes that she maybe just ruined all of his chances. His chances at finally winning. She doesn’t want to be like that, she doesn’t want to be the _reason_ he loses-

_Fine then, Rin. Fine._

_Be the reason he fucking_ wins. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_March 6th, 2017 - Laverre Convention Center, Hall E, Kalos Region_

Rin’s first tournament is when she’s 15 years old, Masters Division at a local Midseason Showdown. Her parents don’t know, and it takes far too much effort to let the event organizers enter her without a guardian there, but she makes it work. She’s a really, _really_ good liar. And then she, a kid who _should_ be playing Seniors, but they really only have one division at an MSS since they’re so small sometimes - she Top Cuts. She keeps winning. She ends up placing fourth, and yeah, she wanted to win. But she does pretty damn good, in a field of players with far, far more experience than her. And Rin keeps going, keeps playing. Once she can drive, it’s a whole lot easier, and if her parents know, they don’t care. But they probably don’t pay enough attention to her to notice, anyways. That’s what pushes her to Laverre Regionals, six months after her first MSS. And that one, admittedly, is _a lot_ harder to lie her way into. 

“You can’t keep lying your way into events,” Diantha says. Yeah. As if Rin doesn't _know_ that. She also knows she owes Diantha, for getting her in. For being high up enough that the event organizers listen to her without hesitation. And, probably most importantly, for being as good at, if not better, at lying than Rin is. Comes with the actress territory, clearly. But Rin just looks down, crosses her arms. 

“It’s not like I have another option.” That, at least, is true. There is no way in hell her parents would let her keep doing this, no matter what she says to them. No matter how well she holds her straight A's. They, evidently, are all that matter. Not her CP count. 

“So your parents don’t know?” Rin almost laughs. Almost. She, for one, thought that was implied. 

“What do you think?” She scrolls through her 3DS, checking her team over for the hundredth time, not that she can change it at this point, anyways. Then she starts another Battle Spot match. 

“Somehow, I’m not surprised,” Diantha says. Rin narrows her eyes, almost as an unspoken _what do you mean by that, exactly?_ No reply. Diantha just stands, turns to leave. “But good luck. I like seeing more girls getting into Pokemon.” That, on one hand, is fair. Diantha isn’t wrong, when she says there aren’t enough girls who play. Outside from last year’s Zone 4 Junior International Champion, a Senior Division TCG Finalist, and the possible Z3IC Senior winner this year - none of them have made it far enough. Apart from Diantha, duh. “I hope you can prove to me that this wasn’t a mistake.” 

And that, Rin can do. She’ll play better and better, smarter and smarter. She’ll Top Cut the Senior Division, place Top 8 at her first Regional. And then, somehow. Somehow, the Sunday night after Finals - she gets home, and tells her parents, exactly where she’s been. Maybe it’s because she knows she can’t keep trusting Sedna to cover for her, when they’re barely even friends anymore. Maybe it’s something else entirely. Her parents, as expected, don’t care. At all. Somehow, maybe - that’s the best thing they can do for her. They tell her to keep her A’s. She promises that she will, because what they don’t understand is how much anything less than perfect hurts her, too. Then she keeps playing. 

And for her final event of the season, Rin brings the Gardevoir Trick Room team Diantha used to win Laverre Regionals. Then she, too, wins. 

_♢ ------- ...was her crown. -------♢_

_August 16th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

“There you are, Alain, I’m sorry-”

“It’s okay,” he interrupts. She slides into the seat across from him, and pulls up her game, as Alain flips his Switch to face her. There’s Blue’s team, carbon copy, movesets and all. But with Alain’s name in the corner. She laughs, because he is a fucking _idiot,_ putting together the entire team at 2 AM last night. But then he laughs, because he probably knows exactly what she’s thinking, which is totally fair. Neither of them says a word about last night. At least for Rin, it’s because it’s easier to fall back to being friends than acknowledge that they aren’t. 

“All right, got it. Thanks.” He’s playing Blue, though. Blue. Rin repeats it to herself, over and over. Thinks of every stream she’s ever watched. She watches the Kanto streams, even when most Kalosians don’t. After all, they’re _good._ Really fucking good. It’s worth following the circuit, the playstyles. It helps that she can pick up at least a bit of the commentary, too. That’s… the one and only way her parents have helped her get this far. Wow. Thanks. 

But okay, she remembers. Blue. He plays defensive, typically. Like how she used to play. But sometimes he makes these stupid, _stupid_ plays - or at least you think they’re stupid, until they’re not. Until they work. Rin doesn’t know if she can replicate that, but well…

She can try. She can try, because she just wants to help Alain win. She owes him that, considering all he’s done for her. Even if he never knew it. Because even if she couldn’t win, he could. And even if she couldn’t rely on herself, she could rely on him. Rin, one day, wants to tell him that. 

And for the next hour, they fall into a steady rhythm. Matches, one after another. Slowly, Rin gets more and more accustomed to trying to play like Blue does. Alain laughs at her, calls it overkill. She retorts back, saying that custom making his team at 2 AM is also, indeed, _overkill._ He can’t beat that. But she gets better, and she can tell that Alain is, too. It’s getting harder to beat him, or even come close to. She, admittedly, has never seen him like this. He’s laser focused, he’s playing _his_ game. Every move is on his terms, and every knockout seems to be on her side. When did he get this good? Because damnit, he sure wasn’t this good when they played. 

“You’re really fucking good,” she says, right as he wins their fourth match. He laughs. 

“Not good enough, though. Still gotta win Finals for that one to be true.” There it is, again. A little hint, of something that pushed him more than himself. He’s getting better, Rin knows. But there’s still room to grow, isn’t there? But she just smiles, pretends she doesn't notice. 

“Fair.” Because if she’s being honest, she’s the same. She thinks the same. She’s doing her best to settle for third, and it’s not too bad. Third’s good, better than she had ever imagined. Just… not what she wanted. Not _quite._

 _But hey. You have next year. Come back next year, and win._ That, admittedly, makes her smile, too. They lock in for another game. This time, Rin leads Dragapult Coalossal. 

Alain, as she expects, plays around it expertly. He stops her from getting off a Surf Weakness Policy prock, and it all starts to go pretty downhill from there. Rin still tries, she still tries to play her best - Alain needs the practice against everything Blue can throw at him. But he’s getting better, _so_ much better. Yeah, he took most of the season off, but nobody can deny that he still has it. He’s, in her opinion, as good as he’s ever been. She’s thinking as hard as she can, for every single play. She’s playing with a solid 7 hours of sleep, and she hasn’t played any other matches today. But she can’t beat him, because for every play she makes, he makes one better. 

“I swear, you’re fucking _good,_ Alain. There’s literally nothing I can do,” Rin says. Togekiss faints, leaving only the 10 HP Dragapult left standing. She forfeits, for the second time that day. She’s now officially 1-4 against him, 2-6 if you’re counting yesterday. Not her best record of all time, but in the end, she can’t be upset over it. Because Alain. Duh. 

“I think that’s a good sign,” he comments. Fair. She nods, and hovers over play again. 

“You wanna go again? I can try running Rillaboom this time, but I think it’s unlikely Blue brings that against you, since you’ve got Sun and G-Max Charizard.” Alain sighs, and runs a hand back through his hair. 

“I think I’m all right, maybe we should take a break.” Rin nods, and ends the communication. She looks back up at him. 

“How are you feeling?” She asks. Alain hesitates, but Rin can’t exactly blame him. There are a whole shit ton of words one could use, and in the end, do any of them even come close to describing that feeling? Of fear, but also pride, but then just more fear because what if you let yourself down? What if you let _everyone_ down? But Rin knows - Rin knows, win or lose. Alain isn’t _letting her down._ She’s the last person he needs to prove himself to. As long as he tries, as long as he plays his best. As long as he smiles. That’s all she asks of him.

“Okay,” he finally says. “Okay, I guess, mostly just nervous. Better after practicing, but definitely still nervous. It's the Finals, duh. Biggest stage in the world. And I’d be worried if I _wasn’t_ nervous.” Rin nods, again, sliding her Switch back into the case and then into her backpack. 

“It’s okay to be nervous.” She pauses. “But it’s okay if you lose, you know.” Alain stiffens. “I mean, I know you want to win. I know you feel like this is your shot. And I also know that losing _sucks._ But I told you-” She swallows, and takes a deep breath. “I told you last night. The people who love you aren’t going to change, just because you win or lose. _I_ won’t. You’re Alain. That doesn’t _change,_ based on what color the trophy is. Okay?” Alain stares at her, and she looks back up at him. She can tell, from the way he breathes, in and out, slower and deeper, unclenching his jaw and fists. He’s trying. He’s really, really trying. “You’re gonna be okay. You’re going to do great. Try and get that in your head, okay? And then just play like you did just today. I’m not kidding when I say I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you play _better._ Literally couldn’t do a thing on my end.” He smiles, just slightly. Just barely. A far cry from what she got from him last night, but Rin can’t really blame him. She’ll take it. Then she smiles back. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_August 26th, 2018 - Castelia City Center, Hall C, Unova Region_

Worlds is _big._ Worlds is really fucking big. At first, it’s overwhelming, like everything’s pressing down inside. Like the sheer atmosphere of _everything_ is going to crush her. But it doesn’t. And Rin, for the whole weekend, has done nothing but focus and try to play her best. She doesn’t quite make Day 2, and goes 5-3 before she drops her last round. But she’s okay with that. 

She needs to do better, she knows - she wants to. She wants to do better next year, place higher. She’s a perfectionist, and she hates not being quite good enough. But it’s only her first year. Only her first year, she tells herself. And this is the one place where her parents can’t have any form of influence on her, her mentalities. Rin will just practice harder, and she’ll get better. And then she’ll be on that stage, someday. Finals. 

Finals, that play out in front of her, as Alolan Ninetales drops to Incineroar’s Flare Blitz. They’re _good_ . They’re really good, Rin knows, and she’s not yet the best. Not yet. But she watches their calls, their perfectly timed Protects and the Hidden Power-Ice that catches the Landorus-Therian on the switch in. One day, she’ll be that good. That’s all she wants. She’ll be the next Diantha, as Kalos’ players don’t even Top Cut this year. She will though. Next year, she will. She’ll make Top Cut, and then she’ll keep winning. She just wants to get to that stage, that level. Be that _good._ And maybe, one day - maybe she can.

_♢ ------- And she wore it… -------♢_

_August 16th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region_

By the time it’s noon, TCG Masters Finals are finally underway, on Game 2. They’re running slow today, because the Seniors went to the timer, or something like that. Rin wasn’t really watching, and Alain wasn’t either. They just sit, in the middle of the convention center, at one of the tables, judging solely off the crowd’s reactions. It’s not like watching people wave cards around is more interesting than that, anyways. Rin eats lunch, Alain says he isn’t hungry. She can’t make him eat, and he’s probably nervous out of his fucking mind, so it’s fair. But what _isn’t_ fair is that it’s really, really hard to keep a straight face when there’s a 12 year old girl dancing, hopping, and doing bunny ears beyond your kinda-sorta-technically-not-because-you-seriously-need-to-define-your-relationship-

but-still-kinda boyfriend. It’s not fucking _fair._ Because Rin’s getting serious “don’t tell Alain” vibes from her various hand gestures, so she’s not going to _tell_ him and ruin the surprise. Plus, she’s 99.9% sure that the girl is the one that Alain says is basically just his younger sister, so it’s more funny this way, too. Because he’s literally _clueless_ and it’s _hilarious-_

Rin can’t help it. She smiles. She smiles, because it’s too hard not to. Alain stares at her like she’s grown an extra head. 

“Why are you smiling?” Too hard. Too fucking _hard._ She cracks up, and Alain just stares. He just stares at her, and Rin tries to breathe and calm down. Okay. She’s okay. She’s _okay-_

“Boo.” Rin fucking _loses it._ She can’t help it, as Alain just whips around and moves faster than she’s ever seen anybody _move._

“Mairin, _holy shit-”_ She just cracks up, and so does Mairin. 

“Professor, Alain swore!” Mairin yells. Alain opens his mouth, almost to protest, and then he just freezes over. 

“Alain?” Rin asks. But he’s not looking at her, not that she can really blame him. Instead, she’s definitely seeing the resemblance between him and the man who had been standing behind Mairin the whole time. What wasn’t really fair was that _he_ wasn’t stuck trying to keep a straight face the whole time. 

“Hey, Alain. Are you holding up okay?” Okay, so probably his dad. Or something. Rin’s brain is really too fucking _tired_ afer two days of VGC for this kind of shit. Alain just goes still, for a long moment. 

“I’m okay,” he finally says. “I think I’m okay.” Rin, suddenly, shifts back, slightly. 

“Sorry Alain, I can like-” She takes a deep breath, and starts over. Fucking social interactions, having to be so hard. “I can go, if you want. If this is some family reunion or something.” He doesn’t reply for a moment, and just doesn’t look at anyone, blinking three times fast. He mutters something, Rin knows, but she doesn’t catch it. More dodged eye contact. 

“It’s okay, just gimme one second-” He stops. Rin knows, immediately, that he might cry. She doesn’t know why, but he might. He will. She wants to know _why,_ she wants to actually do something-

“Wait, Alain, did you get a girlfriend??” Mairin asks loudly. Almost as if in disbelief. Rin laughs, which she isn’t sure is appropriate, but she _laughs._

“I’m not his girlfriend,” she replies easily. Almost before she can even think about it. Then she freezes, and begins to ask herself, _is that really true-_

“Okay, kinda,” she corrects herself. “I don’t know. Not technically.” That’s true, at least. They haven’t talked about it, probably because Alain doesn’t want to. And if he doesn’t want to, that’s okay. He has a match to win. 

“Okay, so you are. Cool.” Mairin stares at her for a second, and Rin almost wants to protest. Then she decides against it. “I like you. You were nice to him on stream yesterday.” Oh. Yesterday. Right. That was when she lost. 

“You watched the stream?” She asks. Mairin nods. Rin sneaks one glance at Alain. He’s okay. He’s doing better. “Alain’s good. I tried my best, but he’s better than me. Unfortunately.” Mairin laughs. 

“I told him he needed Throat Chop,” she says. Rin goes still, and stares. Mairin bounces, and shrugs. “His Primarina matchup needed _a lot_ of work, and you never know if somebody’s gonna bring out a Hyper Voice Sylveon or something. What else was he going to run? I know he said he was thinking about Protect or Assurance, or maybe Swords Dance. But I said Throat Chop, and he listens to me,” she says almost proudly. Rin just _stares,_ because she swears this kid has got to be smarter than her. 

“I swear, Alain,” Rin says with a laugh. “Have you been teaching her VGC? Because she’s smarter than me, or something, and I got straight A’s in AP Calc last year. I honestly would have gone Swords Dance.” Alain swallows, and nods, looking down.

“Yeah, kinda. Just this past season, since I was on break and stuff. It was kinda the least I could do.” Rin, inside, immediately knows that there’s a lot more to that than he’s letting on. But then he looks up and smiles at her, even if just slightly. “And I took AP Calc two years ago, try harder.” Rin stares at him, and then laughs again. No wonder he’s good. He’s real fucking _smart,_ well then. Okay. 

“Okay, I can’t compete with you, I get it,” she says lightly. Damnit, she knows she smiles way too fucking much around him, but-

She pauses, and then sighs. Okay, she’s clearly forgotten how to be polite to new people. Time to start over. 

“Arceus, I’m sorry. Okay. I should probably introduce myself.” Alain smiles, just a little bit wider. Well, good to know her being stupid makes him laugh. “My name is Rin Yukino, Alain beat me in the semi finals. I was Top 32 at Worlds last year, Top 16 at Z4IC this past year, and-”

“Augustine Sycamore.” The first thing Rin notices, as she shakes his hand and he smiles, is the last name. And the second is the way he cut her off, the implication. It’s the same thing she told Alain just an hour ago, just the day before. The records aren’t the only thing that matter. _Your records aren’t the only thing that matters._ She smiles back. 

“Don’t ask about the last name,” Alain cuts in. He bites his lip. “We’re not related, but he’s basically my dad. The one-” Another pause. Another deep breath. “Y’know. The one with Lance.” Oh. Rin doesn’t move for a second, and the air seems to just go still. Then she forces herself to nod, to smile. 

“Got it.” But she knows the last thing Alain wants is to think about Lance, and the thing that happened when he last made Finals. Today, he just needs to play. 

“I’m Mairin, duh. You already know that.” Rin smiles, and runs a hand through her hair. 

“I do,” she replies. “Alain told me about you.” That’s true. That much she can remember, from when they talked on the roof of the ExCel. She remembers most of it, just in little pieces. Because it was _a lot,_ at 2 AM. 

“Not a lot though,” he cuts in. “You’re hard to describe, Mairin.” She giggles, and nods. 

“I know,” she says. Rin decides yeah, she’s a lot like what Alain said. She’s cute, and it’s hard not to like her. She takes a deep breath, and tries her best. 

“Do you wanna get seats for Finals? I think TCG should be wrapping up soon.” She tries her very best, to be nice. To be friendly. It’s not easy, exactly, for her. But she sees the way Alain looks at her, the way he smiles - and that, by itself, is enough for her. It’s worth it, one hundred times more. 

♢ -------------------------- ♢

Rin knows that if you told her, two years ago - that she’d make it to Top 4 and then fall just flat, and somehow, be happy the next day. That she’d still smile, and move on. She knows that she never, ever would have believed that. And yeah, she wishes she was playing. But she, admittedly, is as happy for Alain as she would be for herself. She doesn’t know why. But she’s happy, watching him, as he sits down for Game One. She can see the tension in his shoulders, in his jaw, in the way he clenches his pen a little bit tighter. She can pick up everything, from the front row. But he looks back out, over the crowd. Meets her eyes, and she smiles. 

_You’re okay,_ she mouths. He smiles, ever so slightly. Then he turns back to his Switch, and suddenly, Team Preview begins.

And as Alain locks in his team, Rin knows. She’s okay. She’s _okay,_ not being the one on that stage. Even if it’s all she’s wanted, for the past two years. Three. Hell, even before her first event. When she settled for online Battle Spot, link battles against Orcus and Sedna during their lunch period. She would watch the streams, watch Leon and Diantha and then even _Alain_ \- and then say it, over and over. _I’m going to be like that one day._ And she’s not there. She didn’t make it. She didn’t _make it,_ and somehow, that’s okay. Top 4. She made Top 4. And she lost, so that Alain could go to Finals. And damnit, she’s _okay with that._

“This is it, this match will determine the _World Champion_ in VGC Masters, as both players get ready to send out their leads-”

So Rin blocks the commentator out, and glues her eyes to the big screen above. Two Pokeballs come, from the opposing end of the battlefield. Dragapult Coalossal. Oh _hell yes._ Alain can play around that. He proved that, earlier today. And he calls it perfectly, sending out Bisharp and Tyranitar. Already, she’s smiling. Already, she’s happy. Because he has a good shot at actually… winning?

And maybe that’s why it’s special. Maybe it’s because, after all these years on her own - she meets Alain. She meets Alain, who she’d idolized for months. Who she just wanted to _succeed,_ because she couldn’t. And then he didn’t. But somehow, she met him here. And then together, they grow. And they get better and better, Alain climbs higher and higher. Higher than he ever has before. And now, somehow - he’s playing. He’s playing in the Finals. Rin’s falling in love with him, and he’s in _Finals._ She doesn’t know how it happened. How she got so lucky. _Why he likes her back._ But in the end, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is this. _This,_ being the roar of the crowd, the smile on her face. On his. On his, when he takes Game One. He fucking _takes Game One._

Mairin cheers. The whole crowd cheers. Mairin then just cheers louder. Rin sees Alain smile, laugh. She just nods at him. _You’ve got this. You’re doing great._ She hopes he understands. Game Two. Into Game Two they go. 

“Let’s see what the players are bringing out Game Two, while Alain Viard is just _one_ game away from finally winning the World Championships-” Rin breathes, in and out. Slowly. She knows that. Alain knows that. _They all fucking know that,_ stupid commentators-

It’s okay. It’s okay _._ And then, of course, Blue leads Urshifu Togekiss. Alain brings Charizard. Charizard Torkoal. Suddenly, it’s a lot less _okay._

“Well, fuck,” Rin swears. Mairin laughs. Rin, immediately, curses at herself. The girl is 12. She _probably_ shouldn’t be swearing in front of her. Oh well. But still, that matchup is _ugly._ Unless Alain has Venusaur in the back and can properly call a switch into a G-Max Rapid Flow, things look pretty bad. It’s a tough position, just from the start. 

And Alain tries. Rin knows that, _Alain tries._ He plays well, and he closes the gap and fights the negative matchup. Rin knows that he’s easily one of the best players at positioning his way around the board, switching at just the right times and maneuvering his Pokemon and attacks just well enough to get them all in the right spot, at the right time. Hell, he can get it all the way down to the availability of a Protect. But at the same time, Alain can prep all he wants against her. He can do everything. But in the end, she’s not Blue. She’s not as good as he is. And she, for one, cannot perfectly time Dragapult Ally Switches. That, precisely, is what costs him the game. Ally Switch. She knows that Alain remembers it - he called one, earlier. But _damnit,_ the fact that Blue so easily risked a Blast Burn based G-Max Wildfire into his Rillaboom, and then called it _right -_ Rin swears, again, as Charizard falls two turns later to one more Breaking Swipe. The tiny sliver of HP just _drops._ And the crowd cheers. She doesn’t. 

Rin watches Alain’s face, the way he evidently swears into his headset, and then scribbles down another something in his notebook. Then he looks back out over the crowd, meeting her eye again and saying something that she doesn’t quite catch, over the noise of the crowd and commentators. She just smiles. She just smiles, and tries to get him to understand. _It’s okay. It’s still okay._ But then he’s looking back at his Switch, they’re in Team Preview all over again-

Mairin grabs her hand. Rin stiffens, for just a moment. Then she breathes, looks at her. Smiles. 

“He’ll be okay,” she says. “He can do it.” And she knows. She knows she can’t promise that, she can’t promise _anything._ She can’t make false promises. But she can try, and she can be the strong one for everyone when they need it. That’s what he did for her, last night. That’s what they do, for each other. And that’s why they do, for everyone they care about. 

Then Alain leads Bisharp Tyranitar, one more time. Urshifu Togekiss on Blue’s end. Game Three. Game Three, of _Worlds._ Final match, of the year. The best season of her life. And Rin can’t know, she can’t tell - what exactly is going on in Alain’s head, at that moment. When he’s going into the biggest match of his life. 

But if nothing, _nothing_ else - _she just hopes he’s happy._

_♢ ------- ...like a queen. -------♢_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i finally sat down and wrote until midnight last night to wrap this fic up before the new year and i did it and i cried and i'm not going to try and explain here as well bc i've spammed so many chats and places already with my thoughts about completing this fic, but... but yeah. it's done. finally. and i cried a lot bc it's been one hell of a ride and so yeah i really hope people have enjoyed


	10. take my hands now / you are the cause of my euphoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But he, never once - he never once asked himself. 
> 
> _Are you happy now?_
> 
> Because if he had, he would have known. He would have turned, he would have stood his ground. He would have _flown._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Euphoria - BTS (Jungkook)

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 너는 내 삶에 다시 뜬 햇빛 _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region  _

Alain sits in his hotel room, at 7:30 PM. August 16th. And he isn’t even sure, exactly,  _ what  _ he’s supposed to be thinking. Should he?

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 어린 시절 내 꿈들의 재림  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region  _

He takes Game One. Blue takes Game Two. And then there’s just one more, one more game and one more shot but also  _ one more place to fail-  _

_ It’s okay. It’s okay, Alain. It’s okay.  _ He shuts his eyes, and lets the world around him just fade to black. It’s just him, his team. Blue. Okay. 

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 모르겠어 이 감정이 뭔지  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region  _

Alain, instead of knowing, just sits there. Doesn’t think.

“That was one hell of a day,” is what Rin says, tracing the edge of her trophy. Alain looks at her, and then back at his own. He smiles. Of course he does. For more reasons than one.

“Yeah,” he replies. Rin stares at him. “I think I’m still processing, though. Definitely still working on the whole  _ it’s real  _ part,” he admits. It doesn’t feel real. Nothing feels  _ real.  _ Nothing feels real, when you climbed so high and then just-

Rin nods. Alain breathes, focuses. Breathes again. 

“I get it,” she says. Does she? Does she really get it? Because… how do you understand? How do you  _ understand,  _ that feeling when everything builds and builds, there’s so much  _ pressure  _ but you know you can’t just crack because if you crack you fail, and then-

_ Breathe.  _ Alain breathes. He breathes, he looks at Rin because she grounds him, every damn time. And then he smiles again. Because maybe he doesn’t mind, whether she truly gets him or not. Because he knows that regardless, she’ll always try her best to.

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 혹시 여기도 꿈속인 건지  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region  _

_ You’re okay, Alain. You’re okay. Get it together. Just breathe, just think, just get ready for Game Three. You’ve got this.  _

He knows that he’s looking into the most important match, biggest 20 minutes - of his life. He  _ knows  _ that. And he knows that damnit, knowing how close he is - it doesn’t make it any easier. But he’ll try, he’ll try and take his fear and his drive to just win  _ one more time,  _ and turn it into the best match he’s ever played.  _ He’ll really fucking try. _

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 꿈은 사막의 푸른 신기루  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region  _

And so Rin may think she knows, and for the most part, Alain wants to say she does. The feeling of all eyes on you, the expectations. And then the aftermath. But it’s hard. It’s so hard, to put it all into words. It’s a lot, it’s a lot knowing how everything just comes crushing down into one blink of an eye, where you either burst out, brighter and brighter, or you  _ explode- _

Yeah, it’s a lot. Alain almost laughs, thinking back on it, now that his heart has slowed three notches and he’s actually able to breathe right. But it’s  _ a lot. _

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 내 안 깊은 곳의  _ _ a priori  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region  _

_ Okay. Stick with the plan for Game One, the Sun won’t work against him as a lead like that. Expect Urshifu again. Bring Charizard, but keep it in the back, and lead Bisharp Tyranitar instead. That worked last time. And okay, okay, let’s see- _

_ Same as last time. Okay, perfect. Play safe, play careful, think this all through. Take your time, Alain. Don’t screw up now. Good, good, okay, that’s a safe play. _

_ Superpower this turn, take care of Urshifu. Then you can switch in Charizard, as long as Bisharp can last one more turn.  _

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 숨이 막힐 듯이 행복해져  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region  _

“Yeah. It’s just hard to put into words, I guess. Really hard,” he says slowly. Rin nods, and places her hand on top of his. 

“That’s okay.” And maybe that’s what Alain likes about her. Maybe it’s that she  _ understands,  _ and that she knows when to give him space, versus when he needs somebody. When he needs her, most of all. He doesn’t know. He just…

She makes him happy. She’s there, when he falls. And so he tries to do the exact same for her, the best he can. He always will.

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 주변이 점점 더 투명해져  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region  _

_ You got this. Just stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. You practiced this. And remember the Ally Switch, remember that. Just take out the Coalossal, just another Max Quake- _

Coalossal drops to the ground. Charizard’s Special Defense shoots up, one more stage, not that he really needs it. Not that it matters.

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 저기 멀리서 바다가 들려  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region  _

“You doing okay?” Rin asks. Alain nods. Yeah. He’s okay. He’ll be okay. He’s just processing, still.  _ Still. _ He’s going to be, for a long time, probably. He’s not used to… this. 

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 꿈을 건너서 수풀 너머로  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region  _

_ Yes. Hell yes. And holy shit, just a little bit more- _

_ ♢ -------  _ _ 선명해지는 그 곳으로 가  _ _ \-------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region  _

And, well - he’s just not used to being this happy.

_ ♢ ------- Take my hands now. -------♢ _

_ August 16th, 2020 - Wyndon ExCel Events Center, Galar Region _

G-Max Wildfire. One last G-Max Wildfire.

“Fucking Blast Burn 150,” Blue swears. He falls back in his chair with a groan. “Fucking  _ Blast Burn,  _ and it’s 150 base power-”

Wait. Wait,  _ holy fucking shit.  _ Dragapult. Just. Drops. 

Gone. In a flash of blue.  _ Wait, holy shit- _

“Congrats.” Blue holds out his hand. “That was a hella good game, Alain. I’m impressed.” Alain shakes it. He shakes it, and then it actually  _ hits him- _

“Oh my god.” Alain slides his headset off, takes out his earbuds.  _ “Oh my god.”  _ The crowd just  _ erupts.  _ He hears Mairin scream in the front row, and  _ holy shit he actually just- _

“And that last Blast Burn-based G-Max Wildfire just barely picks up the KO, and Alain Viard is your 2020 Pokemon Video Game World Champion!” 

Alain signs his match slip as fast as he can, and then just wants to  _ scream.  _ Because holy shit, he actually  _ did it.  _

And  _ fuck,  _ he’s not going to cry-

_ You won. You won, you idiot, you actually fucking won.  _

“And finally, Alain  _ gets  _ to lift the first place trophy, not second or third-” 

_ As if he doesn’t know.  _ As if he doesn’t know, as he looks out over the screaming crowd. At Mairin, at the Professor and X and Y and  _ Rin- _

“And even if you just look at the story - third place last year, and obviously second at the Zone 4 International Championships last season, after the drop-” Even the drop can’t ruin it. It can’t ruin fucking  _ anything,  _ Alain knows. Not anymore. Nobody can take this from him. “There’s always that one player, who always does their best and never quite goes all the way. And then one day, they just  _ do.  _ And this was Alain’s day.  _ This was Alain’s day, everyone.  _ And that was, quite easily, one of the best sets of the entire season.” 

Then he hops off the stage without thinking, and Mairin runs straight into his arms. Same way she did, when Marisso woke up. Same way she did, when he  _ saved him.  _ When he finally fulfilled his promise. And this one - this one isn’t a promise he’s proud of. He’s not proud, of what he said, way back then. To Lysandre. 

_ “I’ll be the best. I promise I will.” _

But in the end, was that even for him? Was that to Lysandre,  _ at all?  _ Or in the end, was it really, truly - just for himself?

_ You made it. You actually made it, Alain. You actually made it.  _

And then he looks at Rin. He almost kisses her, right then and there. He doesn’t, because he can still feel the cameras watching him. He hugs her, instead, and she laughs. She half laughs, half nearly cries. Alain smiles. He smiles like a fucking  _ idiot,  _ because he is. An idiot that just won Worlds. And he’s also an idiot that’s falling in love. 

And then he lets himself laugh, too. 

_ Because I finally did it.  _

♢ -------------------------- ♢

“I’ve been dreaming of, working at this - for a long time. A really long time. And to do it? To actually have done it, today, for the people who care about me and support me, the ones who  _ never let me down  _ \- it means the world. It means everything. And if there’s anybody I want to thank, it’s them. My family, even if not by blood. My friends and my rival, Xavier Rigaud Oshiro. X. And  _ Rin.  _ Thank you. Thank you for getting me this far, thank you for telling me that I was enough. I would have quit long ago, if not for you all. And thanks for telling me to keep holding on, because this - it’s all worth it. To everyone out there who’s afraid, who feels that it’s so, so impossible, that every chance you’ve had you just  _ lost it -  _ I promise.  _ It’s going to be worth it.  _ I believe in you. You can do it. And because if I could, you can too.” 

\-  _ Alain Viard, 2020 Pokemon Video Game World Champion, Masters Division _

♢ -------------------------- ♢

_ August 16th, 2020 - Aloft Wyndon ExCel, Galar Region  _

And so yeah, he’s okay. He’s  _ beyond okay.  _ But he can’t explain, how does one just  _ explain- _

Whatever. He has to understand that he  _ can’t _ . He just can’t. And at the same time, that’s perfectly fine. 

“I’m actually quite okay,” he says, with the slightest hint of a smile. Rin laughs. “I’m doing pretty damn okay. Just…” He can say it. He can say it, because he won’t let Lysandre ruin him, time and time again. It won’t hurt him, not even what he’s going to say. And not even what he’ll quite possibly be forced to explain. Alain takes a deep breath, and just smiles.

“I hope Lysandre knows.” Rin goes still. Alain looks up at the ceiling, leans back. “I hope he knows,” he starts again, “not because I want his pride. But because I want him to see it for himself, that I did it. I did it,  _ finally _ . And  _ I did it without his fucking help.  _ And you know what? I hope he knows, understands - that I did it because I had you guys. The people who actually give two shits about me, and don’t just pretend to. Who don’t just push you, harder and harder until you break. Who don’t take the joy out of the one thing that was  _ yours.  _ And because I have people who care. Not-” He takes a breath. “It’s not because of the psychopath scientists who just manipulate, use,  _ fucking abuse you because that’s what it was -  _ it’s not them. It’s never them. And I hope he knows that everything he did got me nowhere, because the ones who matter are the ones who  _ care. _ ” Rin stares. Alain looks at her, and then he smiles. For real. He can see the way she almost smiles, too. And she hesitates, for just a second, and he sees it flash across her face. Then she kisses him.

She kisses him, and Alain slides his hands down to her waist. He doesn’t know  _ why  _ she kisses him, but he’s not going to complain about it-

“I’m proud of you,” she whispers, pulling back for just a moment. She’s close, still so close, eyes on his. “I’m really fucking proud of you, Alain.” Then her lips are on his again, and he kisses her back. She’s proud of him.  _ She’s proud of him.  _ Why is she… proud of him?

But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, right then, as Alain just lets himself get lost in the way her body presses against his, her hands falling to his lower back. He just  _ forgets,  _ for even just a second. That’s another thing to add to the list. The list of reasons, why he fell for her.

_ She lets me forget.  _

Because when he’s with her, he does just that. He forgets. He forgets about all the Lysandre shit, the pain of losing Lance that he can’t ever seem to let go, all of his fears. It’s just her. And him. And now. 

And that, exactly, isn’t something Alain can say that he’s really, truly felt before. Because here’s Rin, here’s a future he finally sees, untainted with his past of hurt and lies and betrayal. And when every other ending, everything he can possibly see, all leads back to hell - she doesn’t. She doesn’t, because she’s the one thing that his pain can’t take from him. 

Because in the end, his future at the clinic, with the Professor and Mairin and Marisso - it’s all Lysandre. It all goes back to Lysandre, where Alain learned everything. He hates it, and yet, there’s nothing he can do. That’s the worst part. It’s all the same with VGC, it’s the same with the game he loves. Because it’s all Lysandre, it’s all  _ Lance.  _ But Rin - Rin Yukino, the girl with the Gardevoir, all the way back in January - she’s just herself. He can tell her his everything, share the secrets and the pain that he can’t tell  _ anyone  _ \- but she’s still Rin. She doesn’t treat him differently. And maybe it’s her flawless, untouched beauty and imperfections, that seems to make her nothing less than perfect _. _

“You okay?” Then Alain realizes he’s gone completely still, as Rin shifts back to where she sat before. He nods. 

“I’m okay.” He isn’t sure, exactly, how to make that clear. That he froze not because she did something wrong, but because she’s done everything  _ right.  _ “I’m okay, I was just thinking. Again. About… you.” Rin stiffens, slightly. And she’s not paranoid, she’s not afraid. So what does her absolute trust, in that he’s mad at her - what does that say about him, and what he’s done to her in the past? He doesn’t even want to know.

“Look, if I overstepped, I-” And so Alain leaves any and all words behind. Instead, he kisses her first, this time. Rin goes still, for just a second, but then she kisses him back. She didn’t overstep. If she’d overstepped, he wouldn’t have kissed her back. He wouldn’t be kissing her right now. Alain hopes she gets that, now. 

“You did nothing wrong,” he says, breath coming short as they break apart. He pushes her away, slightly. “You did absolutely nothing wrong, Rin. I just…” He pauses, and smiles. “I was just thinking. About how you make me happy.” She doesn’t reply, for a second. Then her mouth curves upwards into what’s nearly a smirk, and she leans in.

“Then it’s a pretty damn good coincidence that you make me happy, too.” And her lips are on his for the third time that day, and the whole world around them just seems to fade to black. For a moment, Alain forgets again. Even the first place trophy, sitting across his hotel room, even his pride. He’s just… Alain. It’s just the two of them, without shields or armor or fear. And he’s okay with that. He’s okay with forgetting, both the good and the bad. He can think about it later. But for now, all that matters is her. Rin. It’s her mouth against his, her hand in his hair and his own on the bare skin of her back. The way she kisses him, needy and almost desperate, and the way he pulls her closer and closer and closer, as if all he needs is  _ more- _

Rin breaks away, breath coming in near gasps as her head falls to his shoulder. He lets her sit, lean against him for a moment. Lets her be vulnerable, because he knows that she’s caught him the same way, too. And he too, lets himself breathe. Breathe, but not think. Just smile. He just smiles, closes his eyes. Then he opens them, presses a kiss to the top of Rin’s head. He hears her breathing even out, slowly, and then she sits back and looks up at him, her typically perfect lipstick smudged and smeared, hair tangled and out of place. She smiles at him, and for a second, Alain thinks about kissing her again. Then there’s a familiar knock on the door, a pattern he knows all too well - and he throws that idea out the window. 

“I’ll get it,” he says. He swings the door open, and Mairin stares up at him. He smiles, easily and calmly. “Hi. You need anything?” She stares at him for a second, and then at Rin, ten feet back.

“Well, the Professor told me to check on you, but you’re clearly doing just fine.” Then she shuts the door in his face, and he can hear her run back down the hall. Alain laughs, and then Rin does, too. 

“You know, despite all the pre-teen sass, I kinda like her,” Rin says. Alain turns, and she shrugs. “She’s cute. She cares about you, a lot. You’re-” She pauses, as he sits back down. “You’re lucky to have her.” And Alain can’t even object.

“I know,” he says, without a moment of hesitation. “I know, I really do.” And he knows he hasn’t always been  _ lucky.  _ In fact, there seemed so many times that he was entirely the exact opposite. He was always in the wrong place at the wrong time, met the wrong people and fell for the wrong tricks. In that regard, he’s far from it. Far from lucky. But then he thinks about the  _ right  _ people - the fact that somehow, through a twist of fate - he met them. It makes up for all the bad, a million times over. And maybe he is lucky, despite everything - because maybe if all the bad shit hadn’t happened, none of the good would have, either. If he hadn’t as good as lost his birth family, then he wouldn’t have met the Professor. Or Lysandre. And then in turn, he wouldn’t have met Mairin. If his world hadn’t shattered after Lance died, after Lysandre Labs shut down and Lysandre went to court - he wouldn’t have taken the year off. He wouldn’t have remembered, why he plays his game. And Rin wouldn’t have approached him, that first day. So he takes the bad shit, he takes the pain and the hurt. He pushes on. And then in the end, he learns. It was worth it. You made it. You made it, all the way through, and now you finally get to be happy.

“And she’s lucky to have you, too,” Rin says. Alain doesn’t move, stares at her from across the room. She smiles, just slightly. “I hope you know that, Alain. She’s lucky to have you, just like I am. You mean the world to all of us, and no, I don’t care if it’s cheesy as hell, but  _ you do.  _ You undermine yourself, a lot. Tell yourself that you’re not enough. But fuck that, Alain, because  _ you are.  _ I want you to know that, I want you to try and get that into your head. Okay?” 

And is he - is he worth all of that? The trust that Rin places in him, that he’s a good person? The fact that she cares? Alain knows he asks himself that, a lot. Whenever he feels bad, when somebody does something for him. When somebody proves they care. He’s stuck asking himself that, all the damn time. Because something inside of him still says that no, he’s not enough. He’s never going to be  _ enough.  _ Not when he’s as broken as he is. But he tries. He’ll try, harder and harder. Because at the very least, he can do something for all of them.

“Okay.” And he does lie. He lies, a lot. To himself, to other people. But lying to Rin feels wrong in so many more ways than one. It’s not just because he knows - just because he knows that she sees him, sees past all the fake and the pretend. His mask. But it’s also because he knows that lies do nothing but bring hurt and pain, and he can’t ever do that to her. He, for one, has been hurt enough by untruths to warn himself against them. And he’s not going to make Rin hurt, because he knows that she’d do the exact same for him. She’s proven that, already.  _ Already.  _

For a moment, they sit in quiet silence. Rin shifts, once. He hears the rise and fall of her breath, and then she turns to him.

“Please tell me if this isn’t something you want to talk about.” Alain goes still. “I don’t want to ruin today for you, okay? If I’m pushing, tell me to stop. If you want me to shut the fuck up, please say it right to my face. I don’t want to bring up anything that you’re not comfortable talking about.” He looks down, and nods. But not because he’s afraid, but rather just…

Well, the same reason he almost cried before his Finals match. When Mairin showed up. He can’t put it into words, exactly, and he still can’t quite... understand. Why they do all of this for him. But he nods, he looks at his trophy that sits on the table. The gold. He doesn’t want to lose this, either, and Rin knows that. But he’s okay. He’s going to be okay. 

“Okay,” he says. For once, he’s not worried about sounding more confident than he feels. He’s not confident. He’s scared, because he’s tired of being hurt and broken. But he trusts Rin with knowing that. She sits for a moment, almost thinking. Looking straight ahead. Then her gaze turns back to him. 

“Do you go to therapy?” She asks finally. Alain stares at her. “No, like-” She shifts, takes a deep breath. Alain never sees her nervous like this. “I’m not really joking. I know it’s a lot, going purely off last night - but it might be something worth looking into. I hate saying this, I really fucking do - but I watched you break last night, Alain. I don’t know if you realize that. And I don’t know if you realize, how much that fucking  _ hurt  _ me.” He flinches, but he just nods. Blinks once, then twice. Rin takes a deep breath. “The fact that you won, you ended my run here - and then you ended up breaking because of it? That hurt me, because I started feeling like I should have won instead. And the last thing I want to do here is undermine your success, and how well you played - but it really hurt. I wanted to win, not just because we all do. But because I felt that if I’d just  _ won,  _ then we could have avoided all of that. I wouldn’t have to sit there, absolutely  _ useless.  _ And then I started thinking that it was my fault, anyways.  _ All my fault.  _ Because if I had just  _ won,  _ then you wouldn’t be hurting like that. And I… I didn’t understand. 

But in the end, I’d have to be stupid to not recognize that it was nothing to do with me. You broke, for some entirely unrelated reason. You were hurting on the inside. And I had to watch the one person I care about just shatter into a million goddamn pieces _ ,  _ and there was nothing I could fucking do. That hurt the most, I think. I watched you scream and swear and cry and  _ there was nothing I could fucking do. _ And that’s one way I can make myself feel like pure and utter shit, Alain. All I wanted to do was help you, and I couldn’t. I can’t help you. But I know that you’ve seen a whole lot of shit, and you don’t let yourself breathe. You don’t let yourself heal. Because this isn’t something that’s just going to go away, I can tell. I can tell, even if I feel like I know next to nothing about what really happened to you. But I can tell that you’re just sitting on it, you’re letting it manifest and get worse and worse. You think it’s getting better - you stop having nightmares, you stop feeling too broken to-” She pauses, swallows. Her voice drops. “You stop feeling too broken to keep on living.” He goes still. “But that's not  _ better,  _ Alain. It’s not. Instead, it plants itself in you. And then yesterday - yesterday, when you realized what you’d just done - it all came back, so much worse than before. And if you keep going the way you’re going, that’s all that’s going to happen. I don’t want that to happen. It’s a given, obviously, that I care about you. A lot. More than I should, a million times over. 

And none of this is your fault, okay? Please don’t think that. You’re doing the best you can, and I know that. But I want you to get better, I really do. That’s all I want for you. And so I want you to know - I want you to know that I care, and that I want you to be able to move on from whatever’s been hurting you inside. That’s all. That’s all… that’s all I wanted to say. Okay?” 

And Alain doesn’t reply for a long moment. Instead, he sits. He processes. He processes, everything she’s just said. And then - and then, well. Then he just breaks.

But when Alain cries - when Alain cries, when he lets himself fall into Rin’s arms, and when he lets her whisper, over and over -  _ “I’m here. It’s okay.”  _ \- it’s not in pain. It’s not in the sheer, utter brokenness that he’s felt for so fucking  _ long.  _ It’s in…

_ So are you happy now? Finally happy now?  _

And he asked himself that, a year ago. Oh wait, no. It wasn’t him. That was to…

Well, he thought it was Mairin. It was never to  _ Mairin.  _ That was too Lysandre, for all of the pain and the hurt and the feeling of sinking and dying in absolute  _ hell  _ that he caused him. All of that which Alain hid, which Alain shoved down his throat. And then he kept going, because  _ he had to.  _ But he, never once - he never once asked himself. 

_ Are you happy now?  _

Because if he had, he would have known. He would have turned, he would have stood his ground. He would have  _ flown.  _

_ I wasn’t happy. I never was.  _

But now,  _ now- _

_ So are you happy now? Finally happy now? _

And… yeah. Yeah, he is. 

He’s still a little bit broken, on the inside. He knows that. And that’s something he has to work towards healing. But slowly, bit by bit - he’ll get better. He’ll get better, if he’s willing to try. And he can’t let one small fraction continue to hold him down. 

“I’ll miss you,” he whispers. Rin stiffens. Alain swallows, forcing his breathing to steady, to even itself out. He lets the tears fall, and then he lets them stop. He takes a deep, shaky breath. ‘I’m gonna really fucking miss you, Rin. I hope you know that.” She squeezes his hand, and smiles. 

“I’ll miss you too.” She looks ahead, across the room. Not quite at him. And she pauses for a second, and then breathes. “But I’ll see you again. I’ll see you again, I hope. I - I know. If that’s okay with you.” And this time, it’s his turn to smile. Past the tears that he used to hide, he used to force down. Because that was weak, everything that made him  _ him  _ was weak. But now, he knows better. He can cry. And then he can pick himself up, let himself smile. And he can keep going, because  _ he wants to.  _

“Yeah,” he whispers. He takes a deep breath. “Yeah, no. Let’s do that.” She almost laughs at him, he sees it cross her face. She doesn’t. Instead, she just looks back at him. She nods. 

“And everything’s going to be okay, you know. I know it doesn’t always seem like it, and I know  _ I  _ don’t usually think this way - I’m not this optimistic, like, ever -” He smiles, again. “- but still. You’re gonna be okay. I want you to get better, I want you to focus on what matters to you. I’ll just… I’ll be here. I’ll be here when you need somebody to help you hold on, to keep you going. And I guess… all I can ask for is that you do the same? The same for me?” 

And Alain knows. Rin isn’t… Rin isn’t perfect. Nobody is, because hell everybody thought  _ he  _ was but that was entirely fake and he was a broken mess on the inside anyways, but-

Alain breathes. 

Rin is not perfect. Neither of them is. He has his demons, Rin has hers. She doesn’t know all of him, and, likely - he’s got a lot to learn about her, too. And there’s a lot that she doesn’t say. But he’s okay with that, and she is too. She has his back. And, in return - he’s gonna have hers to. That’s all it is. 

“Of course,” he says. “Of course. I know that-” He pauses. “I know that you aren’t perfect. I know that you try to be, and I know that you’re really fucking perfect to me sometimes - but you’ve got problems, I’ve got problems. There’s pain and tears and whatever the hell this is - but I need you. Not in a creepy possessive way because we don’t do that-” She laughs. “-but I don’t know. I don’t know how to describe it. Considering that just a few days ago, I knew you as nothing more than a girl who threatened the entire Series 6 Meta with a Gardevoir, it just feels… weird? Like never seeing you again? Because we’re friends, you kept me going this weekend and you were there - hell, you’re here  _ right now  _ \- on the best day of my life. And I don’t think, to be fully honest - I would have gotten through this weekend without you there threatening to kick my ass the whole time.” And Rin laughs, she really does. She laughs, and  _ damnit her eyes when she laughs- _

“I do try,” she says. “But I get it. I get it, but-” She stops for a second, clenches her hands together in her lap. “It’s kinda funny. I never thought that I’d… know you. For real. And not like… this.” She looks at him, out of the corner of her eye. Alain gets it. “Because I know I mentioned it, and I know it wasn’t… the best conversation in the world. But I really looked up to you, Alain. I looked up to you, and I just… wanted you to succeed, because I couldn’t. I wasn’t good enough, but you could be. That gave me hope, I guess. And obviously, you took an incredibly reasonable and even more well deserved break this past year, which resulted in me trying to follow your footsteps and be just as good as you. Honestly, I did better than I had expected, because even if I flopped at Internats and didn’t win here, the season went pretty damn great - but that’s a side note and nobody really cares. Anyways, yeah. It’s not really related, but I just wanted to get that out there. And I doubt I’m the only one. I can’t be the only one who looked up at you, and saw somebody that they wanted to become. You inspired a lot of people last year, even if it wasn’t all fun and games. And obviously, you don’t have a responsibility to do any of that - but what you did this past year? The break? And then the fact that you came back and  _ won?  _ I can’t believe I made Top 4, and still believe I haven’t caught up to you yet.” He laughs. 

“You don’t have to. You’re doing just great the way you are.” Rin rolls her eyes. 

“That was cheesy, but thanks.” She smiles at him. “But anyways. Here’s… all I wanted to say. I’m off to college, you probably are too. I hope I’ll see you again, you’ve got my number and we should hang out sometime. Like… a date or something. An actual one.” He nods, smiles. Two days ago, that would have felt weird, coming from her. Coming from anybody. Right now, it doesn’t. Somehow, he finds that the thought… just makes him happy.

“Yeah. We should,” he says, and then he nods. “I’m off to college, I’m not sure where you’re going but I’ve gotta get through all four years, and then it’s probably veterinary school for me after that, because Sycamore says I’m basically qualified to work for him at this point but I should probably get a degree anyways, so-” He looks at Rin, and then stops. “Sorry. I’m rambling.” She smiles, squeezes his hand. 

“You’re fine.” She looks across the room. “I guess it’s nice, knowing what you’re gonna be doing with your life. I - I don’t, not really. Wish I did. Nothing… clicks for me. I don’t know why. But it’s fine, I’ve got time, so-” 

“Yeah. You’ll be great.” Alain cuts her off, and smiles at her. “Just keep moving forwards. You’ll figure it out someday, okay?” She nods. “But okay, for now. One more night, and then that’s it. For now. Let’s do something fun, not worry too much about what comes next. I’ll get better, I guess I could try. Try therapy, like you suggested. But that’s all I need to know right now. Instead, let’s just do something, I don’t know-”

“You know what?” Rin interrupts. Alain stares at her. She smiles. “It’s kinda funny. I know this is just… just a game. It’s just a game, isn’t it?” He nods. “But the thing is… you belong here. I don’t know if that’s just me - but you belong here. You’re good at this game because you love it. Because it’s… because I think it’s natural for you. You like all the work that comes with it, even if that’s been nearly ruined for you before. But this is… this is your thing, isn’t it? This is your thing?” He stares. “Pretty sure this is your thing, Alain,” Rin says. “You could have a future here, too, if you wanted.” 

And then, suddenly - Alain gets it. 

_ It was worth it, Viard. You made it. You won the goddamn World Championships, you’re the best. You actually are. And Lysandre did - he almost ruined it for you, like he ruined everything else. You’ll see Lance, in every finals you play. Every finals you miss. But this is… this is what you do. This is the thing you do, because you love it. And the pain, all the second guessing and the times you just wanted to quit and give up and forget - it was worth it in the end. You figured it out, you got it all back. You made it to the top, and that’s not even the most important thing. But you figured out that this game, no matter what - it’ll make you happy. It’s going to make you happy. And that’s the most magical thing about finding that one thing you really, really love.  _

_ That you always will. _

And so Alain stands, takes a deep breath. Mirror image, of last night. He holds out a hand. Rin, without batting an eye, takes it.

“What’ve you got now?” She asks. He smiles. 

“You’re right, you know.” She stares. “I made it. And I think I’ve learned, that yeah - this is it. This community isn’t always kind, they don’t always care - but in the end, I belong here just as much as I do in the place that I call home. Because it makes me happy, it makes me…” His voice trails off. He takes a deep breath. “It makes me feel like I actually belong. That I have a place here, and that I’ve worked hard for it, I’ve earned it. And then, suddenly - I can have a voice. I can lift others up, make them stronger. Give them courage. I guess I can be their idol like I was yours, that’s fine too. But suddenly, the strength I have gives them strength, it helps them all keep going and inspires them to get better and better and find that hell, this is what they love too. That’s magic. That’s magic, because it’s exactly what this game has done for me. And suddenly… I can do it for all of them. And that’s all I want.” 

And then he goes. He goes, Rin right behind him, down thirteen floors. The lobby is bustling, they’re all still wide awake. There are matches, dozens of matches. Balloons and merch and so many  _ people  _ but for once Alain’s  _ okay with that-  _

“Alain?” Rin closes her hand around his. He just smiles, and takes a step forward. Across the room, he sees X turn. And then Blue. And it’s nothing dramatic, it’s not the swiveling of dozens upon dozens of eyes suddenly on him. But he knows. He knows they see him, because hell, he’s a  _ Champion now-  _

But they see  _ him,  _ they see the shining, shining gold.

And so Alain knows. He knows that it doesn’t belong to him, not just him. It’s his, it’s Rin’s. It’s X’s and Mairin’s, and it’s  _ Lance’s -  _ but finally, finally. 

Finally, Alain gets to wear the crown.

_ ♢ ------- You are the cause of my euphoria. -------♢ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **lyric translation:**
> 
> You’re the sun that rose again in my life  
> A reincarnation of my childhood dreams  
> I don’t know what these emotions are  
> Am I still dreaming?
> 
> There’s a green oasis in a desert  
> A priori deep inside of me  
> I’m so happy, I can’t breathe  
> My surroundings are getting more and more transparent
> 
> I hear the ocean from far away  
> Across the dream, past the woods  
> I’m going to the place that’s getting clearer  
> Take my hands now  
> You are the cause of my euphoria
> 
> ♢ -------------------------- ♢
> 
> that's it. that's it, that's the whole thing. i learned _so much_ from this fic, and i've said in a lot of other places what... what i've learned, how much finishing this fic means to me. but i'm proud of this, i really am. it could be better, there are parts that i don't like. things i wish i'd done better. but it's done. i learned. and i know i never should have done it the way i did. 
> 
> this fic was my nanowrimo, and in the end, i think that was my mistake. please, never - do not sacrifice your mental health for a hobby that's supposed to be fun. you will not get the results that you want, and that is the only thing i can truly blame for the many mistakes and regrets i have regarding what i've written here. i didn't have fun with this. i made myself write and write and write and keep on writing - but it didn't produce good results, and i know that. this could have been so much better if i'd written when i actually wanted to write, not when i would break down at the thought of touching the document. but in the end, i took december off, i took a break. and then i finished! so i'm really happy that it's done, and i hope that at least somebody out here read and enjoyed this :D thank you all for reading, it means so much! <33
> 
> _"Fuck the rules, because she wants to see the stars._

**Author's Note:**

> So I should probably specify that I don't actually play competitive, live VGC myself. But everything in this fic is as accurate as I could make it, and I've spent hours upon hours of watching vlogs, gameplay, and streams. (Seriously, it's been a bit unhealthy over the past year.) However, I do plan on getting into ranked with the introduction of Series 7, I'm just a bit busy at the moment!
> 
> But thank you for reading, and i really appreciate every one of you guys! Comments and kudos are much appreciated if you enjoyed! <3


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